Post # 1
Hello all –
My partner and I have been together for nearly six years now and had a small commitment ceremony in October of last year. My family has been exceptionally supportive of us and flew in from out of the country to come to our ceremony. My partner’s parents on the other hand have been rather cold during our time together and did nothing to help with our ceremony. We accept this and try hard to remain on good terms with her family even though they are less than receptive.
My partner’s sister will be getting married next year and since her engagement announcement, their family (and more specifically, her parents) have been very eager to show their support and excitement for the engagement and wedding. They are prepared to spend a great deal of money on the wedding and often exclaim that they’re excited “their daughter is getting married”. What is perhaps most grating is the level of involvement and emotional attachment that her parents are showing for the straight wedding and the non-existent support we have received since we first met.
The difference in attitudes is beginning to wear on us, especially since we know we’re going to be dealing with a year of constant email and Facebook inundation about how wonderful the joys of straight marriage are. My partner is also a bridesmaid so is expected to help with all manner of planning, dress fittings and the like.
We are genuinely happy for her sister and the family and want very much to be supportive, but are already getting rather tired of all the talk. Her parents are not receptive to discussions about it either, so there’s no sorting it through that.
Has anyone else had to deal with this sort of situation?
Post # 3
@thirdeyeopen: I can’t say that I’ve been in a similar sort of situation, but that sounds like it sucks for you, and especially for your partner! I couldn’t imagine how frustrating it would be to have to listen to them fawning over her sister when you guys didn’t get as much attention/support!
Post # 4
@thirdeyeopen: I would be incredibly hurt if I were your partner and my family was acting this way. I think what it boils down to is that you can only be the bigger person for so long before it starts to really take away your happiness. Sometimes certain people or situations need to be cut out because the joy they bring no longer outweighs the pain. Im not saying that cutting family out should be the go to response. I would probably be handling things the same way you two are at the moment. But I know that in this situation I would be heartbroken. I think the best thing you guys can do is to continue to support one another and focus on being part of the family during her sister’s happy time. But after this is over, I would be reconsidering how closely I was tied to my family if they acted this way. I would take it as a direct insult to my relationship and my partner. If this was a husbands family treating a wife this way, everyone would be saying that he needs to stick up for his family (meaning his wife) and that he needs to make it clear that being treated anything less than equal and with respect will not be tolerated. I feel the same here, because it is no different. I understand that your wife’s family are not receptive, if that is how they truly feel than she needs to make it clear that you are her family now and either they are going to act like family and be supportive and loving or they can take a hike.
Post # 5
I can completely sympathize with what you’re going thru and it’s not easy. I am lucky and very thankful that my future wife’s family is completely accepting of me. Her coming out and the acceptance of her life as she needs to love it (I dont like to say lifestyle) was such a struggle. And I’ve been told it was a welcome relief to have someone come along and love their daughter/sister the way I do.
That being said, you cannot force someone to accept your relationship or be happy for/about it. I’m sure they love their child to pieces but that doesnt mean they have to support her decision to be involved with a woman. This could go against everything they believe and surely not what they saw for her future. I’m sure it’s a stabbing pain to see the joy, excitement and participation from her parents towards her sister especially because that’s what your wife desired most during her special time. Love and acceptance is all a child really wants from their loved ones SO you two have to make a decision after all is said and done. Continue to stick around and be hurt by the lack of acceptable and barely minimal tolerance OR build your own family filled with everything the relationship with her parents is lacking. You cannot replace them but you can provide her with the love and support she desperately needs. It will be difficult but TOGETHER you both will get thru this.
Also, she can always hide FB posts from family and friends so she doesn’t have to see the constant reminders/updates about this wedding and also filter her emails so they go to a specific in box and she can deal with/read them when she’s ready.
Post # 6
@thirdeyeopen: Wow, that’s got to feel really terrible….and I can see why you and your partner would feel this way. Some people just cannot get down with the party when it comes to same sex marriages and partnerships…which is sad, because I honestly do not get how it affects them at all…but anyway, you can’t make them love it anymore than they could make either of you love someone else…so you just have to work around it.
I guess my only advice, is be as involved as you want to be, if that means your partner steps down from the bridal party, or acts only in a perfuctory way that limits her exposure to all of this joy and happiness, which hurts her terribly, that’s fine. Keep the family members off your feed and in essence, bury your head in the sand until its over…you can’t stop it or change it, but you can control how much of it you have to stomach.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@thirdeyeopen: I’m so sorry, that sucks. Someday soonish this bullshit will change!!
In the meantime, you just have to remember how lucky you are to have found your life partner and to have had a special ceremony linking you two together for life. Ultimately that’s what really matters, not the excitement of various family members.
Please try not to punish (even subconsciously) your sister-in-law. She and her fiance deserve to have people excited about their wedding just as much as anyone else…
Post # 8
I can’t even begin to imagine how frustrating that is :-(! There’s a VERY fine line between being happy for their second daughter to get married and becoming overly pushy about the fact that she’s marrying a man, as long as they don’t cross that line then they should be fine but from the sound of it I doubt it :-(. If I were your partner and they were my parents I would be very open and honest with how I was feeling, especially because they didn’t offer 1/2 of that excitement over my own wedding. They may not change but at least they’ll KNOW how you’re feeling!
Post # 9
@thirdeyeopen: I don’t know if this is the right thing to do or not, I feel when ppl are closed minded these things it just gets me angry so I am sure it does for you both as well.
I would have a sit down with the sister personally. Mainly b.c. you want to make sure she is aware you both love her and are happy for her, tell her how you feel truthfully (nicely to her) and let her know b.c. the wedding is a whole year off that you are going to talk to your partners parents.
It’s cruel and mean the way the parents treated you acting like your wedding was nothing but this one that just b.c. they sign papers is sooo much more and b.c. its a man and women its just hurtful to you and your partner.
I would have a talk with the partents the sister of course is not the prob here its the partents they need to hear how they make you both feel maybe they are unaware maybe they are fully aware
altertively have a sit down with the sister and express how bout both feel, I am willing to bet she is worlds more understanding then the rents are. Just maybe ask that they take you off face book shares for the partys and that she maybe personally text you partner for things they need to do as sisters … tell her bc you both love and support her want to be there for her but what the rents are doing is really cutting you both deep emotoinally …. sisters tend to be understanding and have better insight on how each other feel
I think as long as you tell the sister that you are supportive it wont hurt her feelings she will get it you both will be with her all the way help just don’t want to see the rents gushing when they completely ignored your wedding …. She is a girl she knows weddings mean alot to us no matter who you are marrying she will get her sisters hurt feelings completely it shouldn’t matter who you marry it should matter you found love with someone who respects and helps you grow as a person I am really sorry that the family is being so horrible