Post # 1
My MOH and I have been friends for over 10 years. It was kinda understood that she would be my MOH. When my FI proposed and I told her she automatically started talking about her being MOH. I didn’t really ask her. But even before that, our friendship has seemed a bit strained. We have talked about it once before but things haven’t really changed. Lately it has just been feeling more forced than anything.
At this point I don’t know what to do. At times I feel like I don’t really want her to be my MOH because I kinda expect something different from a MOH. She should be my best friend, not once my best friend whose friendship is fleeting.
What should I do? Try to talk to her again? But what if it still doesn’t change? Then what?
What would you do in my situation and why?
Post # 3
why is the friendship strained? can you work on repairing the friendship and doing non-wedding things with her for awhile? I’d see how she acts then.
Post # 4
Is this a friendship you value? Maybe just take this out of the context of your wedding and work on rekindling your friendship–doing whatever it is you all like to do together. I lost a friend over getting engaged, I think she was jealous or didn’t know how to deal with it and she basically stopped talking to me. Weddings bring up all kinds of weird issues for people so who knows what is simmering with her. It’s also possible that she is having her own issues completely unrelated to the wedding. If you give her a chance and really talk to her, hopefully things will get better.
Post # 5
Perhaps have co-MOHs, with CLEARLY DELINEATED ROLES. I suggest this because:
- I TOTALLY understand what you mean when you want your MOH to be a best friend
- I think it’s important to honor friendships, both old & new
- I have some regrets about NOT asking my old best friend to be my MOH/in my wedding party (she’s a mother of three young children, lives two states away & we haven’t seen each other since her first child was born 6 years ago…but we still talk occasionally & she & her whole brood are looking forward to coming to my wedding – I thought asking her to be my BM or MOH would be overburdening to her, now I kinda regret not asking)
If you delineate roles, you can have the “best-friend” MOH that you envision & respect the expectations & truly pure intentions of your (former?) best friend.
Post # 6
Why is the friendship strained? Good question. I am not too sure.
It is difficult to get together because she lives in my hometown, 2 hours south. In the past she used to come visit often because she wanted to get out of the city and go out here in town. I almost feel like our friendship was based on going out in the past and now that I am engaged I can’t go out all the time so she doesn’t really relate to me anymore.
In addition, I don think that she is jealous of me and my life, but I think she is disappointed with hers and it makes her bitter towards me. And when I try to talk to her about things she shuts me out. But aren’t that what best friends are for…to talk to?
One of my other bridesmaids, who is also one of my best friends seems to have more of an interest in my wedding. We talk about dresses and she feels sad when she can’t go with me. Whereas, this weekend, my MOH was here in town and she knows how much I’ve been wanting her to go dress shopping with me and she couldn’t make time for it. Instead she met up with another friend and went to the mall. Things like that just frustrate me. I want her to be interested in my wedding because I feel a MOH should be…
Would it be bad of me to ask her how she is feeling abot our freindship, because I can’t be the only one thinking that our friendship is strained.
Post # 7
You should probably talk to her about her ability to fulfill her duties. You can let her know that you’re kind of pissed off that she blew you off while she was in town. Talk to her, see if anything is going on in her life that is causing her a lot of stress or making her act out of character.
I don’t agree with the Co-MOH idea. In no way should you promote another BM and keep her as an MOH out of pity/previous obligation. Your MOH should be someone who is not only one of your best friends but someone who’s willing to support your marriage with their time and effort. Whenever you have someone in your bridal party as a charity case or out of obligation and you aren’t entirely happy about them being involved… things never pan out or end well. Many of the bees can share the same sentiments and it ain’t pretty.
I went through a similar dilemma when having to chose my bridal party so I can relate to how you’re feeling. In the end I decided to not include the person in my bridal party and couldn’t be happier with my decision. It’s just for the better and now I’m a sane bride as opposed to being a stressed out bridezilla.
You should go with your gut, that’s my advice. Give her another opportunity and if MOH’s behavior is still the same then start considering whether or not you want her to be in the bridal party.
Just know that by asking her to step down, you are pretty much going to put the kaput on your relationship. But then again… if you haven’t been that close in recent time you’d just be speeding up the inevitable anyway. Just the way you talk about your friendship with her doesn’t seem like anything positive is coming out of it.
Good luck. Hopefully things can be resolved without having to burn bridges.
Post # 8
It sounds like your MOH would like to have her friend back (you). Don’t forget that we brides to be end up only talking about weddings, or else we are with our FH and have no room for our friends. It’s only natural that they would prefer the company of somebody more emotionally available.
I didn’t understand this concept either and would b*tch about a friend of mine. Then my MOH got engaged… and I basically lost her. She’s always with her FH and/or speaking about him or something about her wedding and I have no friend anymore.
But overall I’m glad I got to see the other side of the problem.
Post # 9
@ Bunny22 – Great advice. I feel kinda evil even contomplating asking her to step down, but I cannot really fight my feelings about our friendship, anymore. I will try talking to her once more and see if things change. I guess as a bride I never really delegated any duties to her, and didn’t really know I was supposed to.
@ Gionetto – I am not the type of person who just talks about my FH all the time. I live with my FH but everytime she comes to town I make time to go out with her, but the only time she wants to go out is at night and to clubs. During the day she doesn’t seem to just want to hang out. And despite that, I still go out with her and leave my FH at home. And as far as being emotionally available, I’m not sure I understand what you mean. I always try and talk to her about her issues. In fact, sometimes that is all we talk about and don’t really have time to talk about any of mine…
Post # 10
Oh Jackie, darlin, are we twins? Are you me?? Because I am not kidding you, I have the SAME EXACT situation with my MOH right now. I read your original and subsequent posts and somehow, I know exactly what you’re going through.
And boy, doesn’t it suck?
I don’t enjoy getting responses from other posters that suggest that we only ever talk about our wedding, or that we only ever spend time with our FI, that maybe we’re neglecting our friendships, etc. I know that I have worked very hard to maintain my friendships throughout my engagement, and I have worked hard to not be the bride who only talks about her wedding. I totally understand where you are coming from in all of this because I am going through it too. And my wedding is only a month away!
It has been a very emotional couple of months for me, realizing how this friendship is not what it used to be. And realizing that I have done everything in my power to keep it intact, but when it comes down to it, it takes two people to maintain a friendship. And the idea of losing that friendship is incredibly painful, because this is a person who has been an important part of your life for years. It can be worse than a breakup actually. But you need to ask yourself if this friendship is worth it to you.
If you feel that talking to your MOH may help the situation, then by all means, talk! I know that was not an option with my MOH because she was not receptive and it always ended up with me apologizing for something. I got tired of it. She is still my MOH because I just can’t bring myself to ask her to step down 1 month before the wedding…that would be an explosive end to the friendship and I prefer to just distance myself over time. I don’t think she has even noticed the distance, to be honest.
I guess my main point is that you aren’t alone in this. There are some of us out here that know how you are feeling because we’re feeling it too. We know that it is not you, or anything you have done (or haven’t done). But like Bunny said, you have to go with your own instinct and handle it how YOU think is best. Just know that we’re here to support you, however it pans out!
Best of luck!
Post # 11
Why can’t you go out now that you’re engaged? She’s probably just sad she doesn’t see you as often and probably thinks you’ve changed.
Post # 12
@Jackie – Hopefully something good can come out of your convo with MOH. Maybe thing can be worked out and you can move on. She is your friend so you should at least give her some chances before coming to harsh conclusions. I’m sending some good vibes your way. 🙂
It’s a hard thing when you see a friendship on the fritz, esp. if you were close before. But there’s only so much you can do and people just grow apart sometimes. My wedding has been an opportunity for me to really evaluate my friendships with people where I’m in similar circumstances as your relationship with MOH. The whole process of leaving people off the guest list, me chosing to exclude someone from my bridal party and also stepping down as BM (which I’ve written about here) for your exact same sentiments, it’s been a big eye-opener for me… in a positive way. You reach a point in your life where your tolerance for toxic relationships is very low and you have higher expectations for friends.
Post # 13
@ Chillmer – I think you misunderstood. It’s not that I can’t go out. I do go out with her everytime she comes to town. And I do make time for my friends, it’s just not all the time because I think that as a good financee and wife you can’t go out all the time and leave the FH at home.
@5292010 – I am sorry that you are going through the same thing I am. Let me ask you this, if you had a year until your wedding would you still have kept you MOH in your wedding?
I’m gonna talk to her, see how it goes, and if it doesn’t get better in 6 months, I think I might have to ask her to step down.
Post # 14
Just another point proven.
My MOH was coming to town because we were going to walk in the Race for the Cure. After, we were going to go and look at all the dresses that I’ve liked.
So as we were discussing the race, I suggested we come home, shower and go have breakfast and her response was, well as long as it’s quick cause I’m going up to Austin.
Ugh, I am so upset. She says she forgot but she knows that I’ve been wanting her to go with me to look at dresses. As anxious as I am to hear my fellow bees feedback I want to hear it from my MOH and best friend. I feel like her role as my MOH isn’t important to her. All she is concerned with is going up to Austin to party.