(Closed) Strained friendship with MOH

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

why is the friendship strained?  can you work on repairing the friendship and doing non-wedding things with her for awhile?  I’d see how she acts then.  

Post # 4
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Is this a friendship you value? Maybe just take this out of the context of your wedding and work on rekindling your friendship–doing whatever it is you all like to do together.  I lost a friend over getting engaged, I think she was jealous or didn’t know how to deal with it and she basically stopped talking to me.  Weddings bring up all kinds of weird issues for people so who knows what is simmering with her.  It’s also possible that she is having her own issues completely unrelated to the wedding.  If you give her a chance and really talk to her, hopefully things will get better.

Post # 5
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Perhaps have co-MOHs, with CLEARLY DELINEATED ROLES.  I suggest this because:

  1. I TOTALLY understand what you mean when you want your MOH to be a best friend
  2. I think it’s important to honor friendships, both old & new
  3. I have some regrets about NOT asking my old best friend to be my MOH/in my wedding party (she’s a mother of three young children, lives two states away & we haven’t seen each other since her first child was born 6 years ago…but we still talk occasionally & she & her whole brood are looking forward to coming to my wedding – I thought asking her to be my BM or MOH would be overburdening to her, now I kinda regret not asking)

If you delineate roles, you can have the “best-friend” MOH that you envision & respect the expectations & truly pure intentions of your (former?) best friend.

 

Post # 7
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

You should probably talk to her about her ability to fulfill her duties. You can let her know that you’re kind of pissed off that she blew you off while she was in town. Talk to her, see if anything is going on in her life that is causing her a lot of stress or making her act out of character.

I don’t agree with the Co-MOH idea. In no way should you promote another BM and keep her as an MOH out of pity/previous obligation. Your MOH should be someone who is not only one of your best friends but someone who’s willing to support your marriage with their time and effort. Whenever you have someone in your bridal party as a charity case or out of obligation and you aren’t entirely happy about them being involved… things never pan out or end well. Many of the bees can share the same sentiments and it ain’t pretty.

I went through a similar dilemma when having to chose my bridal party so I can relate to how you’re feeling. In the end I decided to not include the person in my bridal party and couldn’t be happier with my decision. It’s just for the better and now I’m a sane bride as opposed to being a stressed out bridezilla.

You should go with your gut, that’s my advice. Give her another opportunity and if MOH’s behavior is still the same then start considering whether or not you want her to be in the bridal party.

Just know that by asking her to step down, you are pretty much going to put the kaput on your relationship. But then again… if you haven’t been that close in recent time you’d just be speeding up the inevitable anyway. Just the way you talk about your friendship with her doesn’t seem like anything positive is coming out of it.

Good luck. Hopefully things can be resolved without having to burn bridges.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

It sounds like your MOH would like to have her friend back (you). Don’t forget that we brides to be end up only talking about weddings, or else we are with our FH and have no room for our friends. It’s only natural that they would prefer the company of somebody more emotionally available.

I didn’t understand this concept either and would b*tch about a friend of mine. Then my MOH got engaged… and I basically lost her. She’s always with her FH and/or speaking about him or something about her wedding and I have no friend anymore.

But overall I’m glad I got to see the other side of the problem.

Post # 10
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh Jackie, darlin, are we twins?  Are you me??  Because I am not kidding you, I have the SAME EXACT situation with my MOH right now.  I read your original and subsequent posts and somehow, I know exactly what you’re going through.

And boy, doesn’t it suck?

I don’t enjoy getting responses from other posters that suggest that we only ever talk about our wedding, or that we only ever spend time with our FI, that maybe we’re neglecting our friendships, etc.  I know that I have worked very hard to maintain my friendships throughout my engagement, and I have worked hard to not be the bride who only talks about her wedding.  I totally understand where you are coming from in all of this because I am going through it too. And my wedding is only a month away! 

It has been a very emotional couple of months for me, realizing how this friendship is not what it used to be.  And realizing that I have done everything in my power to keep it intact, but when it comes down to it, it takes two people to maintain a friendship.  And the idea of losing that friendship is incredibly painful, because this is a person who has been an important part of your life for years.  It can be worse than a breakup actually.  But you need to ask yourself if this friendship is worth it to you. 

If you feel that talking to your MOH may help the situation, then by all means, talk! I know that was not an option with my MOH because she was not receptive and it always ended up with me apologizing for something. I got tired of it.  She is still my MOH because I just can’t bring myself to ask her to step down 1 month before the wedding…that would be an explosive end to the friendship and I prefer to just distance myself over time.  I don’t think she has even noticed the distance, to be honest.

I guess my main point is that you aren’t alone in this.  There are some of us out here that know how you are feeling because we’re feeling it too.  We know that it is not you, or anything you have done (or haven’t done).  But like Bunny said, you have to go with your own instinct and handle it how YOU think is best.  Just know that we’re here to support you, however it pans out!

Best of luck!

Post # 11
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Why can’t you go out now that you’re engaged?  She’s probably just sad she doesn’t see you as often and probably thinks you’ve changed.

Post # 12
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

@Jackie – Hopefully something good can come out of your convo with MOH. Maybe thing can be worked out and you can move on. She is your friend so you should at least give her some chances before coming to harsh conclusions. I’m sending some good vibes your way. 🙂

It’s a hard thing when you see a friendship on the fritz, esp. if you were close before. But there’s only so much you can do and people just grow apart sometimes. My wedding has been an opportunity for me to really evaluate my friendships with people where I’m in similar circumstances as your relationship with MOH. The whole process of leaving people off the guest list, me chosing to exclude someone from my bridal party and also stepping down as BM (which I’ve written about here) for your exact same sentiments,  it’s been a big eye-opener for me… in a positive way. You reach a point in your life where your tolerance for toxic relationships is very low and you have higher expectations for friends.

 

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