- 4 years ago
A little background…I had an on again/off again relationship with my ex-BF for over two years. I just could not take his potty mouth, selfishness and crazy behavior another minute (knocking on my bedroom window at midnight, anyone?) On the good side were attracted to one another, he was one of the smartest guys I had ever known and in many ways, he did have his life together. However, when he had to leave out of state for work, the strain was too much.
I had many misgivings from the beginning about him, but held on, thinking things would either change or get better. I knew from the get go he was not the one for me but I hung in there way too long for reasons I can’t explain. In the two years we were together, I think he only met two of my friends….never my family. Any talk of being serious was rebuffed on his end. I am at the stage in my life I would love to settle down, but he is commitment phobic. Eventually…I was the one that became commitment phobic with him! When he would talk about seeing how things go with a view to giving me a ring, I panicked inside.
Things deteriorated when he left and thought it was OK to text me once a week. I didn’t stay with him for over 2 years to end up getting the crumbs. In the beginning, I put a lot of effort into our relationship, but eventually I gave up and figured if he really wanted to be with me, he’d make the effort. He did make the effort, but it was always with a view as to what HE’D get out of it. (e.g., if we went out to dinner, which he always paid for, he would always expect “something” in return, if you know what I mean.)
The final straw was when he texted me a photo of his hand next to two baggies of pot. I don’t fault anyone for being 420 friendly, but I personally refuse to be with someone who can’t pass a drug test in order to gain and keep employment. Not gonna fly with me. I blocked him off my phone. He was supposed to come home in June and I haven’t heard from him since. As far as my emotions go regarding this breakup, I have been disappointed and I naturally miss him, but I feel a sense of relief like I dodged a huuuuuugggggeeee bullet. I know intellectually, he was the worst person for me to be with and I have no regrets as far as that goes.
I had a dream last night that he came back, knocking on my window. I let him in and he confessed to me what while he was away, he cheated on me. He seemed like he was absolutely gutted about it and ashamed to admit it, but in my dream I told him angrily it was totally over. He was upset…begging me to give him a second chance.
When I woke up, I felt very disturbed by this. I was awake for over two hours, feeling very pained at heart. Why would I be so upset over a dream like this…..especially since any and all feelings I have about him now are purely negative?