Strange shower situation

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
42089 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

FutureMrsAgain:  It’s not strictly an office shower if you included friends/family. Some of them may in fact be wondering why they were invited when they have not received an invitation to the wedding.

Have you kept your plans a secret? Would most of them not know that you are planning a local celebration to which they will likely be invited? Is it possible to get the invitations to the local celebration in the mail before the hostess needs the rsvp’s for the shower?

Post # 3
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

FutureMrsAgain:  I agree with your FMIL, I wouldn’t invite people to my shower unless they were also invited to  the wedding. It seems gift-grabby, even if they are invited to an after-party. If you will be inviting people who aren’t invited to the wedding, I think it needs to be explicitly expressed by the host that no gifts are to be given, although I’m sure most people will do it anyway.

I’m glad you were honest with your boss and told her that doing the follow-up made you uncomfortable. As the host of the shower, that’s her job.

Post # 4
5160 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

FutureMrsAgain:  Normally you don’t invite people to a shower if they aren’t invited to the wedding, but if this is a shower will ALL people from your office I think that’s a different situation.  It’ll probably be a lot less gift oriented (probably one big group gift) and it’s a bit more like an office social event than anything else.

Post # 5
11598 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with your FMIL – it’s rude to invite people to a shower and then not to the wedding.  Basically, it’s an invitation to a party where they are basically obligated to bring you a gift, and then you don’t allow them the opportunity to witness the wedding ceremony. 

As for the follow-up — if your boss opted to host the shower, then it’s her responsibility as the host to follow up with non-responding invitees. It’s deifnitely not something that should have fallen to you.  I’m glad you told her it made you uncomfortable.

Post # 6
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I think it’s ok if it’s expressed that you’re having an intimate destination wedding then a big party when you get back. At least it’s common here. Most wouldn’t be able to go to the destination anyways. I think it would be inappropriate to invite someone to your shower who isn’t invited to either.

I also agree it’s the hostess’ job to follow up with guests to see if they are coming or not. I would be uncomfortable asking people as well.

Post # 7
17 posts

I would say try to invite all of the shower guests to the post-wedding party.  Agree that it’s bad form to only invite some of them to the post-destination bash.

She meant well and sounds caring, but I nevertheless think it was pushy and uncouth of your coworker to insist on throwing you a shower when you didn’t want one.  Props for sharing your feelings with her about following up with the invitees. I wish I had been more firm with my well-meaning friends when they insisted on throwing me a shower in spite of my wishes.

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