Stranger at my own wedding?

posted 3 months ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
76 posts
Worker bee

Your wedding day should be one of the happiest days of your life. It doesn’t sound like you will be happy with this type of wedding. Why not elope? It doesn’t have to leave you feeling empty. You can do it any way you want to. Alone or with immediate friends and family that you know will support your marriage. You can even wear a wedding dress and hire a photographer, all go out to dinner after, whatever you want. How much money would you be out for canceling the venue? What about a very small destination wedding or elopement to make it feel more special?  

 

Post # 3
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

ainafeaiel :  you say that some of your cousins can’t afford to attend and some can afford it. I think you’ve already sorted people into categories based on your perception of their finances and therefore one group will attend and one won’t. However, you are making assumptions about your cousins and their finances. They need to travel to reach your wedding and therefore it will cost a lot of money. It isn’t for you to determine how they should spend their leave or money. If one cousin would prefer to save for a trip, that is her right. Yes, you can be upset that someone you love can’t make it to your wedding but you can’t take it personally because what they chose to do has nothing to do with how much they love you. Their decisions to not attend don’t make you less worthy or less important. It just means they have their own lives which are taking precedent (as they rightly should). I think you may have expected too much from relatives who don’t live nearby.

The second thing, we all think the wedding will make people lose their bad habits but it doesn’t. It usually makes them worse. You mention you know your sister is flakey, then her responses are to be expected. It sucks when someone who should be close to you and excited to turn up just isn’t. It sucks that your experience isn’t fitting into the typical sister getting married experience. You can’t really bring this up if she’s now got an illness but if you were expecting it anyway, you should add it to your mental list of shit she’s done and try to move on (she’s your sister you can’t really call her out on it).

If you haven’t seen your friends in a few years then this is a great opportunity to catch up with them, meet their partners. Sometimes we need an excuse to meet up with our friends. A wedding is a great excuse. These people are willing to travel and see you.

All of this to say – there is something about being surrounded by your loved ones on your wedding day. They’re people you haven’t seen for years, yes people you’ve never met but they’re all there just for you and your partner. Even if these people haven’t interacted with you two as one unit, they still turn up and celebrate that. Sure, not all will be there and it is ok to be sad about that, but those who are? What you need to decide is if those people (including your parents) mean enough to recover from the disappointing feelings you’re having of reality vs expectations. Only you and your partner can decide if this is worthwhile.

You will not be a stranger at your wedding. You can’t be a stranger when you have people in that room who love you. Also just because people can’t be in the same room as us, it doesn’t mean they don’t love us. You’ll be surprised the way that people who can’t be there show you they love you. We received cards, calls, emails and FaceTimed people who couldn’t be there in the day. 

The finances are a separate issue, only you and your partner know what is important, the state of your finances etc. Are there areas you can cut back in? If your partner’s job is going to close next year, get them to start looking at skills courses, make sure they update their CV and start looking (not necessarily applying) for jobs to understand what the current market is like and what skills the market is seeking at the moment. Getting your first job is hard, have you considered applying to fixed term positions? It is always easier to get a job when you have one already, so could you apply to admin jobs in the meantime? 

Post # 4
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Have you already sent out the invites? I wouldn’t cancel it. I think you can still have a good time. It will be good to see the friends you haven’t seen for a while. We are only having about 30 people at my wedding and only like 6 of my friends can come. I’m looking forward to seeing the ones I haven’t seen for a while. Small weddings are lovely and less stressful. Maybe focus on the people that are going to be there and think about what would make your wedding day special for you and try to make that happen. For example have a spa day before or a mani-pedi. Do something to take care of yourself and help you feel beautiful on your special day.

The only people who need to be there are you, your fiance, the officiant and witnesses if you need them (in my state you have to have 2 witnesses there). Everything else is just extra. 

Post # 6
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Hey there,

Hold tight, everything is going to be okay! I was drawn to your post because I said the EXACT same thing to my fiancé a couple of days ago – “I feel like I’m going to be a stranger at my own wedding!” FI’s family is very big and tightknit, I have a very small family. We tried to split our guest count 50/50, but I already KNOW that the wedding is going to be mostly his/his family’s guests. I have already gotten numerous (expected) rejections to our save the dates that have already gone out. We are fairly young and a majority of my guests are from out of town. It isn’t a great situation to be in. If I could do it over I probably would have eloped but that probably would have caused a LOT of family drama.

Here’s what my partner said that reassured me: No matter who comes and who doesn’t come, weddings are a joyous occassion. As the bride you will still be the “star” of the evening, even if they aren’t your guests. And even if only a few of your family members/friends can make it, you will be surrounded by people who will love and support you. Chin up because I’m confident it will be okay!

Post # 7
Member
1874 posts
Buzzing bee

I just wanted to offer another perspective on your cousin saying she’s savin for a trip. If that’s how she wants to spend her money, that’s her choice and it’s unfair to be upset by that. She may have already started planning and booking, so it isn’t a case of “go later” – I’m saving to go to Italy in June, but I certainly can’t cancel as I have already spent over 20k in flights and accommodation. My saving now is for food/spending money. You said it was tactless for her to give you the details, maybe, but if she considers you close family she may have just been open and honest with you not realising it would cause a problem. 

 

I definitely think you should look more into an elopement, just you and him. Do away with the drama and the feelings of anxiety. Bugger the judgement (which is I’m assuming an issue with your future in-laws? They aren’t super happy about the age gap?). Go and get married and enjoy your day together. 

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