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In an article in the Miss Manners column, a reader suggested that strapless gowns and tops are inappropriate attire for someone at functions such as weddings, unless that someone is the bride. Miss Manners agreed that guestes should not wear strapless clothing. However she also seems to think that strapless gowns on the bride are disrespectful and cliche. She says: "But you have undercut your conviction by conceding that the strapless wedding dress -- now a bridal cliche -- is appropriate. Who should take the ceremony seriously enough to dress respectfully if not the bride?"
Am I missing something?? Since when are strapless wedding gowns inappropriate or disrespectful? I was under the impression that they are formal enough, and in most cases, are modest enough for wedding ceremonies.
Has anyone ever heard of strapless gowns being called inappropriate/disrepectful??
Here's a link to the article:
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=22384236
Sounds like some old-fashioned advice to me. I think she's just saying that brides should cover their shoulders at the ceremony (which I guess is true in a conservative religious environment?). I wouldn't take this seriously... no one else does, so if this is good manners, it's going the way of the dinosaur.
I don't see anything wrong with strapless dresses for the guests OR the bride. A LOT of women's formal wear is either strapless, has spaghetti straps, or is a halter. Besides...that's why they sell boleros and wraps...
That's so strange. I have never heard that they are disrespectful except maybe in a very conservative church.
Perhaps if the dress were revealing, then I would understand it being disrespectful. But I have seen a lot of strapless dresses that show a whole lot less than some dresses with straps!
I agree with Miss Manners. I had a hard time finding a dress precisely because I felt a strapless dress was inappropriate for a church wedding. I had the same issue with spaghetti straps and with halters, or anything with a really low back or a slit up to the thigh. (For a civil ceremony, I have no such convictions). I don't know if I would go so far as to say that it is outright disrespectful, but I know I wouldn't wear a strapless topp to church on a regular Sunday and don't see why being in church in a wedding is any different.
For the reception though, anything goes! I am seriously considering buying a few of the gowns I saw for opera visits because they were THAT downright gorgeous.
Some call it old fashioned, but I feel like it's disrespectful to be wearing strapless in a church (unless I absolutely fall in LOVE with a strapless dress, I will have at least straps). I'm letting my bridesmaids pick out their own dresses, but I am going to ask them to either not buy strapless, or buy a shrug to wear during the ceremony. Our church isn't really even that conservative, but it makes me uncomfortable! Of course, I'm uncomfortable with strapless in general so I might be biased.
If it's slutty, then it's disrespectful. If all the proper bits are covered up and it's not too revealing, go forth. :p
Perhaps she could also offer some advice as to wear to shop for more respectful dresses, as 90% of what is offered in bridal shops is sans strap.
Do what is right for your personal beliefs, venue, and ceremony. The blanket generalization that all strapless dresses are inapropriate is what's disrespectful to me.
At some Catholic churches the bride is not allowed to wear strapless, actually, nobody is allowed to wear strapless.
That's actually true, I forgot about that. I've never been in a catholic church where bare shoulders were allowed, actually.
To each their own - it really depends on the ceremony and the couple!
hm, i'm having a catholic ceremony at a co-cathedral, my gown is strapless (and conservative) and it is allowed. i went to 2 catholic weddings this summer and both brides wore strapless as well. i've never heard of bare shoulders not allowed in the church...maybe its a regional thing?
agree with future mrs... but i understand church rules etc. and i think that sophisticated dresses.., i think it's also okay for a guest to wear strapless as long as it's done in good taste...
At our groom's dinner, our pastor (we're Lutheran) mentioned a story about a couple his friend married. They had planned to get married in a different Catholic church at first, but the priest refused to marry them because he heard the bridesmaids would have strapless dresses. They offered to add straps or change the dresses, but he still refused, saying the very fact that they had even considered the strapless dresses meant that he wouldn't marry them. I guess it depends on the particular church.
I agree with Marci, though...there are a lot of strapless dresses that show a lot less than some of them with straps/sleeves. I think it should depend on the dress what is appropriate and not.
Most religious denomination (Catholic, Mormon, and many others) feel that it is disrespectful in a church setting. Outside of that environment though, it's up to the individual. Some people don't care for that particular style and feel that it is inappropriate and thus don't wear it themselves but generally they keep their mouths shut when other people wear such attire, as long as it isn't revealing stuff that doesn't need to be seen in public.
Like many have said, I agree it depends. If I wore strapless or my bridesmaids or any of my guests it would be extremely inapropriate and disrespectful. I am have a strict orthodox wedding and everyone knows it. I have no problem with strapless with a shawl though.
Several years ago I remember my Grandmother being shocked when she saw my cousin wearing a strapless dress at her ceremony. Since then she's been fine with strapless dresses my sister and other cousin wore...I think its old fashioned, but you should check with your church to make sure they allow that. A cute bolero at the ceremony will take care of that problem if you fall in love with a strapless dress!
I am Catholic and you can wear what ever you like. Australian Catholics are pretty left wing though.
I can't stand reading Miss Manners. I think a lot of the advice is old fashioned. My grandmother has some pretty old fashioned views, but even she laughs at the advice sometimes. I think it's ridiculous to call strapless dresses disrespectful. I get the whole church appropriateness on a case by case basis, but I don't think that advice was on point.
I'm getting married at my University church by a Catholic priest and he never mentioned any dress restrictions. I've also worn a strapless dress as a guest to a friend's Catholic ceremony at the Princeton U chapel, and that bride wore a strapless dress as well.
Let's face it, strapless doesn't mean revealing. You can have a strapless dress that covers up more of your breasts than a V-neck or scoop neck top. My strapless dress was sweatheart cut but sat up high, so there was very little to no cleavage.
It also depends on your shape. Women with huge chests might not feel comfortable in a conservative place with a strapless dress on. My chest is 33", so I don't have that much to cover up.
I agree with Chicagobride. As a busty girl, I found strapless dresses to be the only ones that didn't show an obscene amount of cleavage. The v-neck ones were WAY worse. And If I had to pick between showing my shoulders and showing my chest in church, well I can tell you I'd be going for the more modest, strapless gown. Strapless is no more cliche than wearing a white gown is, or wearing a long gown is.
I think that's absolutely ridiculous. Respect has nothing to do with appearance. I never agreed with this whole clothing equals respect. Then again I'm a liberal feminist. Someone could have the most conservative clothing in the world and still be disrespectful. My dress is strapless and that's how it's going to be. I'm a strong Christian and respect the church. The person who wrote that probably has severe issues with sexuality and her mother and God knows what.
that's so old fashioned to think that because you are bearing your shoulders that you are a disrespectful. personally, i don't look good in strapped (or sleeved gowns). i agree with everyone else, unless you are wearing something extremely revealing that is strapless, then it should be no problem. of course you can always wear this instead because it has straps it MUST be OK:
jenny-packham_03a.jpg (26.8 KB, 51 downloads) 2 years old
Well, it may be old-fashioned, but different locations choose how 'old-fashioned' they want to be. Catholic churches call it disrespectful, so therefore it's disrespectful. Now, I'm not Catholic; I'm actually an atheist, but I would never enter a Catholic church with bare shoulders. I live in Italy and in the summers I carry a scarf with me at all times in case I want to go into a church. I also don't enter church during Mass, because it's disrespectful. I wouldn't go and cause a scene, but it's not my place to disrupt a worship service whether or not I agree with any part of it.
I don't wear white to weddings because some brides may find it disrespectful. It's easy enough for me to wear something else. I dont' wear my leather mini-skirt either because it would distract from the purpose of the event.
I think anything that would potentially distract others from the wedding is disrespectful. In some contexts, as seemingly trivial as it may be, that means strapless dresses.
Seriously?
Buah ha ha ha. I think there are FAR more things that can be considered disrespectful than baring your shoulders. Again, this is highly dependent upon location, church, personal beliefs...some are very conservative and some are not a big deal!
Somebody can look just as disrespectful and gross by wearing an ill-fitting outfit WITH sleeves (tight, short, bright? yuck) than something without.
I actually am an avid ready of Miss Manners and saw that article when it came out. I just sighed, because there are so many old fashioned rules it's impossible to please everyone. According to Miss Manners registries are rude too.
I think nowadays strapless bridal gowns and cocktail dresses on guests are perfectly acceptable attire. As long as your church is okay with it, you're fine and shouldn't feel ashamed because it used to be inappropriate or disrespectful.
I think that strapless is fine as long as it is tasteful. I would only think it was disrespectful if someone was wearing clothes that screamed hoochie.
My mom is of the "strapless = immodest" school of thought, too. It is somewhat old-fashioned, but a lot of more religious/conservative people believe that strapless dresses across the board are a revealing style that shouldn't be worn in a church setting. I am not even getting married in a church but my mom still forbade strapless.
I think people are starting to realize what many of you have said - many strapless dresses are more modest than a lot of dresses with straps or sleeves. I actually have to wear a tank top under most of my V-neck dresses! Still, I think the idea that bare shoulders are inappropriate is still prevalent in the "old school".
I'm not Catholic, but I am having a church wedding in a different denomination. It never occurred to me to ask about any restrictions. I plan to wear a strapless gown and unless the Priest says anything (and it's not in the marriage booklet), I'll just go with it. I am wearing a veil and blusher, so maybe that helps too.
BTW: on Say Yes to the Dress I've seen women buy strapless gowns for their Catholic weddings and not mentioned anything about covering up or wearing a bolero. It's obviously not a consistent rule of thumb everywhere.
I've never heard of this before. We're likely getting married in a church, so I guess I'd better ask if the pastor has any problems with my strapless dress before we commit to the church. It's a United church though, which is pretty liberal, and my cousins have been married in strapless dresses in Catholic churches, so I can't see there being a problem. Actually, I don't think I've ever been to a wedding with a bride *not* in a strapless dress.
I'm (still, endlessly) in the middle of writing essays and reading and re-reading multiple texts, so my brain is overloaded and I could be wrong. But I read this:
"But you have undercut your conviction by conceding that the strapless wedding dress -- now a bridal cliche -- is appropriate. Who should take the ceremony seriously enough to dress respectfully if not the bride?"
as
"In your argument that only the bride should wear strapless, you've agreed that strapless is okay. And if it's okay for the bride (who presumably is the one with the most stake and vested interest in taking this ceremony seriously) to wear strapless, then it's okay for everyone else to. Follow the bride's lead, etc."
It read to me like Miss Manners only concern is that she thinks strapless dresses have become "cliche."
Then again, I've been behind my computer in my office all day, eating peanut butter from a jar and drinking endless cups of coffee, so my synapses might not be firing correctly..
I agree with Miss Manners to a certain degree. In certain environment settings it is disrespectful - but to blanket ban strapless gowns? That's kind of the other end of the extreme scale to me.
potatochips, I actually think you are right. Mrs. Manners was actually trying to tell the writer that if the bride is not disrespectful in a strapless dress, then the guest isn't either. It was the writer who had an issue with it, from what I gathered.
There are still people / cultures / religions that object to strapless dresses, but I think they are an ever-shrinking minority.
That is so old fashioned. But then again, whoever wrote that advice probably got married in the 80s with a full lace sleeve dress with poufy shoulders... cringe.
As far an strapless dresses being cliche, uhm... no. Trendy, maybe. But I don't think a strapless dress is cliche at all.
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