- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
Sorry about the novel – I just need to rant.
Holy crap, my wedding is sneaking up! Only 81 days to go, and still so much to do. Yikes.
I have had a tremendously large amount on my plate for the last few weeks and I’ll be the first to admit that I am going a tiny bit batty.
In addition to wedding planning (which is basically all my job, as fiancé doesn’t want to help – he did help with the invitations a bit, to his credit), which I feel like is its own full-time job, I work sporadic hours somewhere between 20 and 30 hours a week, do the majority of cooking and cleaning for myself and fiancé (and sometimes our other two roommates), have a correspondence course I’m trying very hard to finish up, and, as the best part, am stuck at home all the time with my fiancé’s 11 week old puppy. The puppy has been the breaking point. I was doing fine until we got him, and now suddenly everything has gone to shit. I love sleeping and used to enjoy 8-9 hour nights, and now I am lucky to get 7 hours (and there’s usually an interruption in the middle of the night to bring him out to pee). I can’t even go to check the mail or take my own dog for a walk, go for a jog, pick up some supplies for a DIY, etc. because the puppy can’t be left alone. He’s not trained for it and panics if he’s left by himself. Since fiancé and my other two roomates both work long hours during the day as well, that leaves me stuck at home, with a puppy trying to chew up my wedding crafts/shoes/phone chargers, from 6:45 to anywhere between 2 and 6 pm, by myself. There are so many other little, frustrating complications too (our schedules are pretty opposite because I usually work evenings so some days we don’t see each other at all, keeping puppy from ruining stuff usually means I can’t get things done, if I work during the day I need to find a dogsitter, etc.) and I am so. bloody. stressed.
The icing on the cake has been my fiancé leaping down my throat about the fact that I’m so stressed. I try to explain why I’m freaking out, and he never really sympathizes, just gets frustrated at me for being a bit indifferent/cold. I have so much else going on, sorry I can’t really sense when you could use a hug, babe.
I wouldn’t say I’m mad at him, but I am getting mad at me. He makes me feel so guilty and selifsh for not finding time to pay attention to him. Last night, when we went to bed (19 hour day, got into bed for midnight, I had to work that evening and it ran late), I asked him to cuddle up and he said something along the lines of, “I think that’s the first time in two weeks you’ve asked for physical contact.” Way to make me feel horrible…
I don’t know who’s at fault here, if anybody. I kinda feel like he’s being insensitive to how much I have going on, but I also feel I must not be managing my stress well because he keeps complaining about my behaviour. I think the biggest problem is that him complaining about it just makes me want to be close to him even less. I don’t feel like he’s trying to understand just how much I have going on. He works hard enough and is definitely the breadwinner (for now), but there’s still something infuriating about him coming home, playing flash games all evening, and complaining about how I don’t appreciate him enough while I’m writing a test for school or hand-painting our escort cards.
I’m not looking for someone to take my side, I’m just worried that the two (the stress and the coldness) somehow aren’t related, that I’m growing tired with him or growing to resent him, and I’m not going to notice until it’s too late that they have nothing in common and I really am just not interested in him anymore. I think that sounds crazy, even from my vantage point, but what if it’s not? I don’t really get the same lovey-dovey feelings as I did earlier in planning, but I’m always so tired and there’s always so many other things to think about that I just keep telling myself it will get better as my workload lessens. Is it normal of me to care less about him because everything is demanding so much time and attention? How will I know if I don’t get a break? >_<
Anyone else have a couple of tense weeks/months leading to the wedding? Please help 🙁