@mayflowerbride13: It will be hard and maybe a long road. I hope the company works out for your sanities sake. Could your SO get a second job in the meantime too?
I hate taking money fro people too. Especially when you don't know when you'll be able to pay it back.
@subtlebee: No, he can't because he does snow removal so he is on call 24/7. The reason he left his other job is because it was another snow removal company so it was competition. his partner (FSIL's husband) already had a job as a mechanic.. so that wasn't a problem for him to keep. I just feel neither of them thought this out, and it's fine for FSIL and her husband because they live with FMIL but nobody thought of repurcussions for us/me. I'm SO furstrated and pissed and hurt and TIRED. I am almost tempted to call off the wedding and tell him we just can't afford it, and then take the money my parents were going to give us as security. They basically said here is your money, either have a wedding or do what you want.
It's such bullshit. I didn't sign up for this. nobody included me in any of those decisions. and I'm the one suffering the consequences.
ETA: And it's not that I have a problem taking peoples money, it's just htat she gripes about how hard off she is all the time, and she got laid off for winter until after our wedding, and she went on and on bout how she couldn't afford to pay for our open bar (that she INSISTED WE HAVE)... but now she can make FI sign a contract and give us money for this? no. No. My parents will gladly help with no strings attached. They are generous people and don't throw it in your face after like his shithead madre.
this wedding has been so stressful for you. Do you think you'll resent your FI by the time it comes to walk down the aisle? If so, maybe you SHOULD think about taking the money from your parents and having a completely different wedding than you're planning right now (courthouse, etc)
@Caroheart: Honestly, If I didn't get the chance to walk down an aisle and wear my dress... I might resent him more. It's the ONE thing of the damn wedding that's what I want, not what everyone else wants. I'm just soooo tired.
@mayflowerbride13: Hmm... I have a friend who does customer service work online. He does it becasue he has another job that he has to be able to do whenever as well. The online job allows him to be flexible and do the work wheneve he has time.
He should look for work like that. Where there is a will, there is a way! You shouldn't carry the burden alone!
@subtlebee: He doesn't have the skills needed for customer service. He has a temper, and crap spelling/writing, so online customer service, not an option.
I'm just.. over it, I don't know if I want to/can marry a man who is only thinking of himself. And yes, he was so sweet the other day, but if he thinks that making financial decisions that affect MAINLY me, without discussing with me.... I just am not ready for that. I'm too young for this shit.
Did your FI discuss this business venture with you before starting it? He needs to man up and get a job that pays on the side. This is just getting ridiculous. All the people I know that do snow removal have other jobs - even in the winter when it snows!
@mayflowerbride13: Well perhaps tell him this calmly. Ask if he can come up with a second option for money while the company gets off the ground.
If this all seems like too much effort then perhaps it is best you end the relationship. Whatever you decide, just besure it is what your heart and mind are ok with. A few dark days now might be better than dark days for the rest of your life.
Oh I'm so sorry! That's terrible and you have every right to be upset!
I'd sit him down and tell him that he needs to get a second job, why is it fair you have to work 2 jobs to support the both of them when he's bringing in no income? He needs a slap to the back of the head to wake him up and make him realize he has to help support himself and you.
@MrsWBS: Nope. He kinda just informed me after the fact...
@subtlebee: His second option, will be his mom. so it'll be a loan, which isn't income.. it's just bullshit. I just don't know...
@pinkgreenandyellow: he knows. he just can't get a job, nobody will hire him and the job market here is absolute garbage. He gets all depressy like "i feel so bad I can't support you I feel like less of a man" so I took a second job so we'd be a bit more stable... but like I'm pissed he didn't think this through, I think if he HAD thought it through and we had talked about it, we could have developed a plan... and if he had thought it through and hit a snag, it's understandable... but they've been at it since november... and only just started discussing getting paid now. and what, we have to wait til JAnuary?!?!? because his partner says so. His partner with no fucking responsibilities right now. UGGG IM LIVID
@mayflowerbride13: Well since his mom isn't giving the loan freely and without a time limit thats a bad option. Dang. I feel for you.
@mayflowerbride13: ugh that is so not okay.
You guys have a mortgage together so financial decisions need to be made together.
Also, before you start a business and quit your "real" job to get your businss off the ground, you need to have a significant amount of savings to cover you. No business makes a profit immediately. He's already set you guys and his business up for failure in that regard.
@mayflowerbride13: I went through this with my FI a couple years ago. We were living together and I have a 4 year old, my mom was living with us and was basically our in home nanny so I paid her for staying home and watching my child. He and I worked together but our boss was getting bad on drugs and getting bad toward her employees. When she started name calling and pushed me we quit that night together. We then went and got another job at the same place but FI quit and when he quit I quit because it was so far away and would be rediculous in gas prices for just one of us to drive out there every day. So I find another job and FI starts looking. I got my job the first day, and I know that's not typical but for me it is.
I only made 8.5 an hour when I got this job. It took him 5 months before he got a job. And although I love my FI dearly it drove me nuts, absolutely nuts! He would tell me how bad he felt that he couldn't find a job and I alone had to support myself my child my mother and my BF at the time on a 8.5 an hour job and it was really hard. Really hard. I would get stressed a LOT back in those times.
But I never made him feel bad about it because well at some point in our life we do need that time to take and figure out what we want to do and how to do it. Your FI knows and made a not so good judgement but lesson learned (I hope) not to do that to you again. I frustratingly supported my FI when he was trying to figure it out. 6 months later he supported me for 4 months while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do.
I'd as nicely as possible sit down and tell him just how his decision is effecting your life. When you get married your income will be combined, he needs to understand that he's got to put his family first when making decisions like these.
Putting this out there to you ladies who have so far been so helpful.
Is this a big enough issue that you would leave?
I mean this in the most gentle way possible, but I think you might want to consider postponing the wedding while you decide whether you really want to marry a man who makes financially irresponsible decisions without consulting you. Financial issues are a major cause of divorce, and I doubt this will get better after the wedding. You're already engaged and have a mortgage - you are well past the point where you should both be making those big decisions as a couple.
Eta: I think the worst part is that he doesn't understand why you're upset. If he doesn't get that, I don't think he's in the right mindset for marriage. He might be a perfectly lovely guy, but that doesn't mean he will be a good husband. If his attitude is that you're not entitled to input or veto power over his MAJOR financial decisions, I definitely would not marry him. Not until that attitude changes.
@KatieBklyn: I agree. I'm nervous to marry someone who isn't thinking of me at all/doesn't seem to think I have any business knowing anything. even though I'm in charge of all our finances/financial planning.
I don't know, sometimes I think I'm just too chicken shit to leave.
@mayflowerbride13: Honestly, reading some of your previous posts in conjunction with this one, you should have left this boy a long time ago. I call him a boy because that's what he is. You are most definitely not dealing with a man here!
Oh man, I'm really sorry. You've been having the worst time of it with this. I really hope it all works out for you, I wish I had some useful advice to give.
@Obx1008: I hate it. I feel like we take Two steps forward, one step back, one step forward, two steps back... I know he is trying... but sometimes I can't help but feel he's just a total moron. and I HATE that I can type that and not hesitate. He is trying but I honestly just don't think he KNOWS what he is doing. :(
I've been following your posts for a couple of months now. It seems like you guys have a multitude of problems that you're trying to work through before the wedding. I feel like if you're in the right relationship, it shouldn't be this hard. If at this point you're not 100% confident that this is the man that you want to marry (and the family that you want to marry into), then I think it's unfair to both of you if you stay.
Mayflower: I've been keeping up with your threads for a few months now, and I notice that you've mentioned considering leaving a few times.
It doesn't matter how big or small your "issues" , the fact is that you've thought about ending your relationship several times now, and you need to acknowledge to yourself that you're not 100% sure about marrying FI.
You need to focus on your own feelings for a bit here. There will always be issues and disagreements coming up in a marriage, and unless you can truthfully say "for better or worse" on your wedding day, I don't think you should go through with it.
The little that I know about you, I suspect that you'd feel free, and overjoyed to be in charge of your OWN life if you decided to end your relationship and be your own person.
@pinkgreenandyellow: our finances are already combined... and I have tried to talk to him and he just doesn't seem to think he was wrong. at all.
@UberClaire: @MissNoodles: I hear what you guys are saying. but it's hard, and I'm scared.. becuase I don't know if I will be happier on my own, I don't know if I'll feel free/like I made the right choice... I don't know.
@mayflowerbride13: Try to talk to your fiance. Don't make him feel like he is less of a man... but let him know you expect him to pull his weight.
As for the wedding. Have a very small one (doesn't need to be courthouse). Then hopefully a large reception later.
I am just wondering, out of curiosity, when you say your FI cannot get a job, is that because lack of skills and experience on the resume. I assume the market isn't the final excuse because you found a second job...I am sure he can too.
I guess you guys need to have a BIG talk ahead. You need to figure out how your household is going to run before getting married. You don't want it to get in the way of your marriage...it can be one of the biggest factors of why ppl break up, and I am sure you are not getting married to just get divorced right after because of money issues that should be discussed before the marrage.
Also how big is your current house? Maybe you should look into renting out a room (is there a university or college near by, students always need rentals!) or you can rent to a young professional.
Maybe if you have a basement you could rent that out...(if it's not liveable right now rent out a bedroom till you have a little more cash...fix up the basement then rent). This is a great way to lessen your monthly bills (an basement rental will also raise the value of your property as well). These are options.
@mayflowerbride13: While I don't know you or your relationship in depth, to be honest, I would NOT marry someone who was so irresponsible with finances. I remember reading several of your threads, and this is not the first time he has been completely irresponsible/unrealistic about money. Money is one of the main causes for stress in a marriage, so I don't think it's a good sign if you already have these type of problems with it.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like your FI knows enough about finances to be running his own company, it sounds like he is just sort of floating. If he can't see why he is wrong with how he is handling things, I don't see how you can realistically expect improvement.
Best of luck with whatever you choose.
I think you have to be realistic about the sacrifices you will have to make if you marry this guy. You will probably always have to carry the bulk of the responsibility. You will have to be the breadwinner, the bill payer, the checkbook balancer. You might continue to find yourself taking on second and third jobs while your husband sits at home, waiting for money to magically appear. You may have to borrow money from your insanely controlling mother in law. I don't know about you, but a guy would have to be really beyond amazing for me to commit to a lifetime of that. I don't want to worry about paying the bills and possibly losing my house because my fiancé can't control his temper long enough to hold down a customer service job. You know? Oy.
Whatever your decision, I'm wishing you a lot of luck, peace and strength. This is not an easy position to be in.
Thanks for all your words of wisdom, ladies.
I talked to my FI and had him talk to hisbusiness partner and see if he can get a cheque earlier than Jan 11, which he can. A big part of FI's problem is that he doesn't like to ask if there's a possibility the answer might be "no" so to him it is just easier not to ask. I told him that he can't be scared to ask because even though there is the possibility of it being a "no" there's also a chance it could be a "yes" and the benefit outweights the negatives.
He is also going to look into some online jobs. soooo... that's something!
@mayflowerbride13: Where do you guys live? What did you both go to school for?
@peachacid: We live in Ottawa (Ontario) I've gone to school for professional writing and event management... currently finishing my business management online. He went to school to be a chef....
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So, I was talking to FI last night, asking when he’d be getting paid exactly since yesterday he mentioned he’d probably get it next week… and asking approx how much it would be.
When I got home he informed me that he and his business partner decided to wait until Jan. 11. Why? Because that way they don’t need to do a T4 for this year. And that he’d only get around 500$.
I’m livid. I’m so livid. I’m pissed right the F off.
You would think, that this is something they would have thought over/planned BEFORE.
FI doesn’t get why I’m upset… his mom “offered to help”- contract in hand, of course (indicating interest if we take longer than x to pay them back) I told him NO, because I don’t want to feel pressure to pay them back within a set timeframe, especailly when I don’t know what his income is.
I mean we’ll manage it'll be tight, but we'll manage… but I’m so mad
My first cheque from my new second job will be $240 next week… my following one will be roughly the same because I have reduced hours over the holidays… and I just got my 1000$ from my main job, and will get approx another 1000$ on Jan 1.
I’m just SO MAD…I had talked to his partner before kind of candidly and asked him if he would have started the company the year that he and FSIL had their wedding. He said hell no. And I said, and you guys were both living at home at the time, right? He said ya.
So he wouldn't have started the company the year of his wedding even though he was living at home... and had no real expenses.
So explain to me… WHY FI would .. the year of our wedding, WHILE WE HAVE A MORTGAGE TO PAY ALREADY
And not take a pay until January, because they are too lazy to do a T4? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! It’s easy for his partner to say that’s a good idea, because he still has a frigging day job AND LIVES WITH FMIL and FFIL… but I feel like nobody is thinking about my/our well being.
I’m pissed.
I want to cry, I don't know what to do.
AND.. SORRY I don’t want FMIL money, because she claims not to have any, and she bitches ALL THE TIME about how stressed she is.. and oh they owe so and so money and so and so.... But also if they have money to give, THEY SHOULD HAVE SHELLED OUT FOR THEIR GODDAMN OPEN BAR
I’m so mad
I’m SO mad.
SO MAD.
WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE’s BRAINS?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?
AM I WRONG HERE?!!!??? OR was it a stupid idea to be so impatient with the company thing? FI should have worked another year to save before that, or wait for me to find a stable job. (MY CONTRACT IS UP IN JUNE!!!!!!)
Now THERE IS NO WAY I will be going back to school in the summer. Because he didn’t save. and all the savings I had, I had to give him to pay off his business phone/gas for his truck and other business expenses (lawyer fees etc) I’m so angry. I can’t believe how stupid and selfish he is being. AND IM MAD Because I made us reservations for our fave resto. Tonight because he was supposed to get paid next week and we’d have a bit of wiggle room, now I need to cancel and I ‘m so goddamn bitter I want to throw shit and cry.
WHAT THE HELL. Sorry this is so long, but AUUUUGH