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I heard the SAME thing. We had a 2+ year engagement for financial reasons. We would have loved to have gotten married last summer, but we wouldn't have been able to afford it.
I too thought it was rude that people kept asking. It's really none of their business and I'm not going to inform them that it was about money.
I made my standard answer, "Why rush?"
BTW, I also feel you on people getting engaged & married before you. A friend who is younger, has been with her FI less time, etc. got engaged this summer and gets married in 3 weeks. And had the audacity to complain that her dad "only" gave her $40,000 towards the wedding. I ignore people like this ;o)
I getting married about a week before you, and I've had people ask me that too - and it's really not any of their business! Just tell them that you're waiting until your are more financially stable, and leave it at that.
The way I look at it, I'm getting an extra long engagement so I can really enjoy it! I'm hoping planning won't be as stressful for me, because I have so much time to do it!! I'm sure people who are asking you questions aren't trying to imply that you have doubts - just try not to let them get to you...you guys are doing what's right for you and that's all that matters!
You don't have a long engagement at all! I think 1-2 years is average. Ours is longer, because of school reasons. We wanted to be completely financially independent before getting married, as that's an important marker for both of us. People still asked, "well, why get engaged so early then?" like it's any of their business.... it's not! It's between R and me.
Somehow when it comes to weddings, people take an engagement as license to meddle. Just smile and say "this is what works for us." I really don't think any more explanation is necessary.
Well dang! I wish we had a longer engagement! I was almost exactly a year (by two days) and it didn't feel long enough to get everything done, have everything I wanted, etc. Have the people that said that never planned a wedding?
You're right, it truly is no one's business, and you shouldn't have to justify your reasons. Your reasons are very mature and responsible!
I would just tell people, "Oh, I know, it's pretty far off, but it was right for us and our timeline!"
We had a 14-month engagement, and that was because he proposed in July, and we really wanted a fall wedding, but couldn't get one together in just a few months. And the wait killed me. If I had people asking about it, it would have stressed me out, too. I'm sorry, hun :(
13 months is long?! Oh goodness. That's not long, you're "average' as far as i'm concerned! You don't have to justify yourself to those people. Just shrug and say, "eh, there's no rush" and smile
@ HotChildIntheCity - $40,000 budget?!! That's absolutely insane. Thanks though for the advice! I like the "why rush" response lol.
@ Amanda.Lynn - Thanks girl! That's a good point, we will be able to enjoy it longer and hopefully planning won't be a stressful, we definitely have time to enjoy it lol.
Thanks ladies :)
Awww that's super annoying. I think hotchild's response is a good one and I don't really have advice to offer but to say that I simply do not understand why people say some of the things they say? Like why do you CARE how long someone else's engagement is? Why would anyone even question that to begin with? I don't get it at all.
Not that my or anyone else's opinion matters at all, but I think you and your FI have perfectly good and responsible reasons for doing things the way you're doing them.
@hotchild - oh ONLY $40K? The nerve of that man....
We did a 15 month engagement and it flew by. Don't let anyone bug you about this... just stick to your guns! It's your wedding, career, relationship and life!
I got engaged 2 months ago, and our wedding date is May 21, 2011. And yes I get those comments too, so I feel your pain! My fiance and I are paying for the whole wedding ourselves, and quite honestly even planning a very budget affair, we need time to save! We would also like to trade our condo for a house soon after the wedding. Also, I'm starting grad school May 2010 and will finish May 2011. It's an accelerated Masters program so it's not really possible to take a break for a wedding and honeymoon, and we don't want to split up the wedding and honeymoon.
So... we could either get married BEFORE May 2010 (which we probably wouldn't be able to afford to do, and also I'd kind of like to enjoy being engaged for a while longer than that... both of us have ZERO doubts so why rush it?) or we could wait until May 2011. We decided to wait. Do I sometimes wish our date were sooner? HELL YES - I wanted September 2010 originally. And people's comments do get annoying. I went to my first bridal show yesterday and all the vendors pretty much gave me the brush off, saying I had tons of time to plan. (Which - not really, because we're trying to plan as much as possible before I start school and lose all my free time in May.) But financially and school-wise, this just makes the most sense for us.
Bottom line: people can be sort of clueless and thoughtless. I for one think your reasons for waiting make a lot of sense. I think you'll enjoy the process more if you don't have to worry as much about the financial aspect of things.
@nurselindsay and kittyachi: JUST from HER dad. They also have contributions from her mom, and his parents. And she kept complaining that it wasn't enough. Ugh.
We had a few reasons. We bought a house first. Then a couple family emergencies and health issues came up that delayed our planning. We also wanted to be in a good place financially and didn't want to rely on anyone to do this for us.
We got a lot of flack from random relatives, people who really should shut their traps, and eventually I started replying with "Great. Let's do it tomorrow. So you're paying for it? When can we expect the first check?"
That usually puts people in their place. A lot of people open their mouth without thinking. Some just are clods.
Now that we've set a date and people ask "why were you engaged so long?"
"We wanted to pay for it ourselves. We wanted to be in a good place financially. Our parents are nearing retirement age and we'd prefer they kept their money for their retirement."
Anyone who balks at a young couple wanting to start their lives off financially stable is a jerk.
Seriously, in the grand scheme of wedding planning and the stress that goes along with it, let this and other small stresses, roll off your back. You'll be happier and glad you did.
Kimmers - I'm in the same boat with you as far as trying to get planning done as soon as possible. I don't actually start back RN school until May but I'm working over 40 hours a week & finishing up the rest of my basic courses before beginning back the RN program so, once that begins, there won't be much time for anything! I know you can't plan everything up front, but I can at least have the big stuff out of the way and just begin visualizing the rest of the things that I would like. Seems we think alike! lol
Hotchildinthecity - I just can't for the life of me imagine why someone would want to spend that much money. I'm very thankful that my parents are paying for our wedding and even though I don't have to, I'm trying to help out financially in any way that I can. But to me, you could put that money toward a house or something! You can have a beautiful wedding for a fraction of that cost.
People said that to us too, and ours is 11 months! Sometimes people just don't get it and say things without thinking them through. Now it's only 4.5 months away, so it's not as far, but before I usually would just say something about wanting to make sure we had enough time to plan and the proper budget to support our big day. People usually shut up then! You're average and I wouldn't let it get to me if I were you. I know plenty of people who had looooooong 8-10 year engagements!
We haven't really run into that problem but when all is said and done we will have had about an 18 month engagement. I don't think it's long at all. You need time to plan these things and to get money saved up to pay for it.
Chachacha - I hear ya. I don't want it to be thrown together and saving up money is a huge issue. The frustrating part is, the people that have been saying things to us aren't even family! They're pretty much just "aquaintences" that we hardly ever see & stuff. Which makes it even LESS of their business to butt in ours. lol. I'm glad no one has given you a hard time about it though :)
I have no idea why people are so opinionated about weddings! I'd just do what lilyfaith did and say that's what works for us. No matter what you did people would have an opinion. We had a short engagement and had the why the rush, you get knocked up. grrrrrrrrrr. No matter what you choose people have word vomit when it comes to weddings even normally good people.
We got engaged in June 4, 2009 and are getting married in October 30, 2010. So our engagement ends up being 17 months. I dont think theres any problem with a long engagement. We chose to make our that length for similar reasons to your, money and school. He's in the military and I'm finishing my degree, so we waited on our wedding date so that we would be in a better place in our lives.
No one has given us a hard time either, our families are glad that we chose a long engagement. I'm sorry that this person is hassling you. Just tell them it was a personal decision.
Why do you need to justify your decisions to someone else? Especially someone who is simply an acquaintance. Just do what you guys feel right about.
We had a 16 month engagement, and it was relaxed and perfect! Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it-- I normally would just respond "What's the rush? Being engaged is fun!" People really don't need or expect a long response about finances, logistics, etc.
I agree with the others who cares and it's not that long. We are doing a year long engagement simply because I love the flowers in the spring time and the venue only had April dates open. So whatever your reasons don't worry about if you are doing the right thing. You choose that date for what was right for you and your FI at the time. Enjoy the down time of being engaged because around the 5 months till the big day things start to get crazy!
Anyone else start getting the "when are you having a baby" comments yet?
oh yeah, my Mom and her FI have been engaged now for 3 years. When people ask her when they plan to get married she says, "why ruin a good thing?" LOL they've both been married before and live together so I see her point. To each their own!
i kind of wish our engagement was longer! we'll end up having about a 9.5 month engagement, and it's going so fast!
I had the same problem you did -- except ours was a 20 month engagement -- so you're totally average in my mind too!! It will get SO much better once it becomes 2010 ... people just dont realize that a year is really only 12 months ... once you can start answering "January" rather then "January, not this January but next .... YES 2011" ... for some reason the January dates throw people off!
Good luck!
@ HumarockBride - that's exactly what it's been!! People are so confused. I say "Not this January, but next January" and they're like "oh, you mean of 2011?" I'm like, why is that so hard to understand?! Haha. It gets old. I can't wait to be able to say "January" :)
in my (uneducated) opinion.... a "normal" engagement is anywhere from 8-18 months. I got married the same day as you I think (I feel like I saw somewhere you got engaged oct 23 too?) and we are planning a january 2011 as well. We've gotten a little bit of that look but I guess I have a more exact answer than you do: we're buying a house this spring, then my brother gets married in the summer, and his mom gets married in the fall, so we need to wait until winter! It isn't ideal but its life. The rest of our lives won't stop for a wedding... we need to fit the wedding in when it works for us!
I think it's psychological. We didn't run into this, and our engagement is 18 months. However, we got engaged in 2009 and are getting married 2010. People would ask when's the wedding, and when we said, "next year," they didn't stop to think about months.
If you get engaged in 2009 and married 2011, people just think, "two years?!" and it's different to them somehow. At least for me -- it's hard for me to look at the dates and realize 2011 isn't that far away anymore.
CorgiTales - How funny we got engaged on the same day & our getting married the same month! & I agree, life isn't going to stop for us, so we just have to have the wedding when it's best for us!
Mitla - I agree, it's hard to believe 2011 is so close!
We are having a 13 month engagement (almost done now!) but it was necessary for us to get things planned and paid for. We are starting our marriage with no wedding debt (just school loans :( )and that was important to us. The majority of our friends were married within 6-8 months of getting engaged and we wanted to take our time, plus it was important to us to get married outside of the school year as I am going to be a professor and we'd like our anniversary to not be during school time. People will always have an opinion. The important thing is for you to do what is right for you.
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I'm really stressed out and irritated, I need to vent. This isn't really even a major deal, but when it's that time of the month, I guess anything can be a big deal haha.
Ever since me and my FI got engaged and set a date, January 15, 2011, everytime someone asks us "so, when's the big day?" when we tell them, we get the "why the heck are you waiting so long" look or someone says "why on earth would you want such a long engagement?"
First of all, I don't think it's anyone's business how long we wait to get married. Would we like to get married sooner? Of course. But he and I both think we'll be more financially stable if we wait a year. I'm an LPN and I'm going back through RN school, I'll graduate in May of '11. He's in accounting school, and working part time, currently looking for a full time job. Even though we make okay money now, we think if we wait a year, we'll be able to save up a good bit of money. We're both young and still live with our parents, so we should have no problem saving money. It just bothers me when people make comments like that because here we are trying to be financially smart and save up money and we get people's crap about it.
Not to mention, 14 months isn't even really THAT long. Of course it's dragging by for me, but people have longer engagements than that.
I guess it just bothers me because I have like 5 friends that are getting married before me and I see people getting engaged and having really short engagements, and it just makes me wonder, are we doing the right thing? We're not waiting so long because we have any doubts, we've been together almost 4 years and I love him more than life itself and couldn't imagine my life without him, and he feels the same exact way. It's purely because of money. I'm already stressed out with working full time and going to school full time, not to mention planning a wedding, I don't need the stress from others on my plate too :[
I could really use some advice, bees. Thanks for reading :)