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HI Everyone,
I just found out that my Fiancé during his bachelor party weekend went to a strip club and had multiple lap dances. They even un buttoned his full button up shirt. I love him more then anything and I know he feels the same way. He said he is sorry but I just can’t get it out of my head. I believe he is sorry. I’m trying so hard to feel better about this. But I can’t seem to get over it. He is the sweetest man I have ever met, but how could he do this to me? It hurts so bad. Can someone help me deal with this? How can I get over it?
If he's sorry, why did he do it in the first place? That's the question I would ask him. Had you talked to him about it before this? Did he know you'd be upset?
I think it's not just about getting over it but fixing any communication and understanding problems so there aren't problems in the future.
Did you two talk about this before the B party? I think it's a really hard situation if you didn't, because even though to you that was clearly crossing a line, he may have just thought it was B party fun.
There's not much you can do if you didn't set limits beforehand except express to him that it made you uncomfortable, ask him not to put himself in a similar situation again, forgive him, and move on. He's expressed that he's sorry, and while it hurts to think about, it's over and he is your husband, not some stripper's.
Did you know he was going to go? Had you guys discussed strip clubs before?
Give it some time, it wasn't an act of betrayal, just a bachelor party. If he'd known it woudl bother you, i doubt he would have done it.
We hadn’t talked about it ,but I thought he knew. I didn’t even think he would have gone in my wildest dreams. His friends were buying the dances and he said he didn’t buy any,,,,I don’t know how he would have thought I would think its ok to a Lap Dance…I mean its not the strip club it’s the girls all over him god knows how may times….
Yeah, I don't think you can get too upset if you never discussed whether this bothered you or not. Maybe FI thought you wouldn't care? Some of the ladies on here (myself included) are okay with strip clubs, so maybe your FI thought you were too?
You can't expect him to just "know" how you'd feel about this if you didn't have the talk beforehand. You can fix the issue now, but if you haven't talked about this as boundaries, you'll have to just take it as a lesson learned. give it some time and I doubt it'll seem to be a big deal.
His friends just took him out for fun to harass him, not intentionally hurt you. I doubt the lapdances were as bad as you're imagining. He thought it was okay probably b/c it's a relatively normal thing to do and you never told him otherwise. And I doubt the girls were all about him, anyways, they were doing it for money, it sorta takes the buzz off it, I'm sure. And if your FI was uncomfortable, he could have stopped it, so I doubt it went too far.
Yeah I think he thought I was ok with it. But its the Lap Dances...Not the strip club...I just want to get over it. It is just lingering in my head.
I don't blame you one bit for feeling sick about it. I would too! This is the man you are marring for goodness sakes! Ask him how he would feel if nasty naked me were all up in your sh*t at your bachlorette. I guarentee he wouldn't like it. I think it is rediculous that a man's friends think that a bachelor party is a good time to pretty much force their friend to cheat on the woman he is about to marry. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I do consider this a form of cheating. He wasn't tied down to that chair. I guarantee you he could have refused or walked away.
Agree with EJS.
@MisHRB and Lovebird: These ladies are doing their JOB. They're not attracted to your man or trying to steal him away. Guys pay them to give lap dances same as I get paid to sit here and write financial proposals.
If its a one time occurance and you aired your feelings about how it made you feel I think your work is done. A bachelor party doesn't go on-- its one night and nothing else happened. My SO went to a strip club for the first time about 4 months ago and his BOSS of all people paid for him to have a lap dance--- it made me slightly uncomfortable but when i put it perspective-- that he came clean with me about it THAT night because he wanted to be honest I was grateful. He doesn't frequent strip clubs and has no desire to go back any time soon (i wouldnt be hurt if he went once every NOW and then.. you know bachelor parties or something) but as long as he was honest. I get to keep him at the end of the night and he doesnt "have a problem" or "desire" to go so i don't see it as an issue.
But everyone is different! Im glad you told him it upset you but unless he does it again i think the issue should rest -- he loves YOU and youre about to get married! Congrats!
Yeah true...You guys are really helping...I cant thank you enough. He keeps saying he is sorry, i believe him. Its so out of his style to have done something like this. Its just hard to swallow the event.
@hotchildinthecity: I'm not saying anything against those women. They can do whatever they want. All I'm saying is that when I am in a relationship with someone, I expect that they will abstain from participating in any activity where they allow another women to touch them sexually. I hold myself to the same standards, so I don't think it's asking too much he do the same.
I think you guys need to have a heart to heart since you have different views of what's acceptable and hadn't previously discussed it. This way he can explain why he thought it was OK and you can explain why you're not alright with it. It'll be good to discuss what boundaries you put up for other people - emotional cheating vs physical cheating and all that fun stuff.
You can't help what hurts you and so your feelings shouldn't be dismissed but at the same time he's not a mind reader so these things do need discussed.
For starters, welcome to the hive.
I'm with the other ladies, had you discussed before hand what was appropriate and what wasn't?? If you hadn't, then really there is nothing to actually be mad about. He didn't know
If you did, then i recommend having a long talk with him. Explain your hurt and what you're going to do to fix it.
I guess you guys are right...He really is the greated man I have ever met and would do anything for me. He didnt know. He knows now thats for sure. I cant thank you all enough.
Thanks for the welcome this is a great thing to be apart of I am realizing.
I'm guessing his buddies planned the bachelor party. It probably wasn't what he would have chosen to do, but I know with stuff like this sometimes the guy is just out of the loop until the night of or he's just letting his buddies plan it.
I just need to get it out of my head and move on, I think it will just take some time.
I have never been to a strip club so I dont know what they are REALLY like..
@mishrb12: I just wanted to say that I agree with hotchild. I'm one of the ones who is ok with stripclubs. In my mind, it's really no different than going bowling or something - just entertainment. So the fact that there are some of us who think that way, and you all had never discussed your thoughts on it, he may have just thought you were one who thought that way too. Now that you have talked about it and he said that he wouldn't have done it if he had known it would upset you, I don't think you have to worry about him ever going again!
I agree with most of the other posters...it was a one time thing and pretty much accepted as a rite of passage during the bachelor party. If it did upset you, talk it over with your FI and explain to him why it bothers you and make sure you set boundaries for future events. I honestly don't think he thought of it as a betrayal or I am sure that he would not have done it.
Yeah they went to AZ to golf and go to the Seahawks Cardinal game...he didnt know about the strip club.
I was actually okay with strip clubs until I went to one. I am NOT okay with them. (all my husband did at his bachelor party was drink and drink and drink). You need to talk to your fiancé and come to an understanding together.
What about a Lap Dance are you guys ok with? I would like to hear the other side of the story maybe I could agree?
@honeybun: You should read Candy Girl by Diablo Cody (the woman who wrote Juno) It's a REALLY interesting look at stripclubs. She takes a year off and becomes a stripper so she can write about it. It's hilarious, raunchy, and really interesting.
@hotchild - I have that book! Great read, it was really interesting seeing her perspective.
My husband would be terribly uncomfortable with a strip club....I sort of laugh a little at imagining his discomfort, lol. I think a stripper would scare him =]. We were at a topless show in Vegas once and he was like, "ahhhh" the whole time.
But seriously, I'm so apathetic about this, I don't even care. I have a cousin who is a cocktail waitress in Vegas and she has lots of friends who've danced in the day...when I think of strip club i think of Vegas ones though. Some of the ones around here are kinda icky. But still, I have zero insecurities about myself or my relationship and if DH went to a strip club and ended up with a lap dance, I'd just say, "ew, you smell like stripper, go shower!" and probably make him some breakfast to nurse his hangover. I just don't care, really.
I know if he got one and it was going too far, he'd stop it himself. So, to me, I'd know that it was just harmless fun because at some point, he would have stopped it and I trust his judgement and am ok with what he's comfortable with. I am just apathetic in general about this.
@MisHRB: I guess it just doesn't mean anything to me. It's a complete disconnect from our love and our life, and just entertainment for guys in my opinion.
My FI is coming home to ME. He's not going to have sex with a stripper, bring her flowers, or laugh at cheesy horror movies with her. He's not going to give her cats medicine when they're sick, open jars, or get that freakin' thing from off the highest shelf ;o)
I say boys will be boys and this is just one of those things they do.
@lilyfaith: When I read these arguments, I always think that book would change a lot of women's views on that particular profession ;o)
Can I just say ditto to EJS? Because those are my exact thoughts LOL. A girl I was friends with in high school is a stripper now, and I know she doesn't "want" these guys. It's just her job. Then she goes home to her regular life where she hangs out with her boyfriend and her cat. FI went to one last year for a friend's bachelor party, and I ended up picking him and one of his friends up when they were ready to leave. And I'm pretty sure when he got in the car I made some remark like "Did you get tired of boobies in your face?" LOL
IMO..I don't think it's about being OK with a lapdance as much as it is being OK with where my FI and I stand in our relationship. If he wants to go with his boys to a strip club and has a lapdance while he is there...I am not going to jump up and down about it and accuse him of being unfaithful to his vows. He knows what the boundaries are in our relationship and what each of us is comfortable with the person doing/not doing. A lapdance is just that...a lapdance.
Yes there are strip clubs that allow the dancers to take it too far...but my FI would put a stop to that...I know that without a shadow of a doubt. It's not even "priming the pump" for when he gets home b/c he doesn't even view a lapdance as sexual...it's just entertainment with his boys...they egg each other on but none of them cross the line or encourages him to cross the line b/c they respect me and our relationship as well.
ha, i've never heard of a lapdance as "priming the pump"!!!
Hmmm i bet DH wouldn't mind if i came home from, say, shopping, and wanted to jump him, haha. I jest =]
@Hotchild, I've been wanting to read that book for awhile now (i love controversial and personal reads!) and it's on my list officially while i recover from surgery =].
I think that may have been the book one of my friends was reading at one point. I'll have to borrow it!
@EJS: You'll love it! And if you haven't read them yet, definitely get Chelsea Handler's books. I laughed out loud on the subway while reading them.
Good luck on your surgery :o)
@ejs4y8...LOL..I got that phrase from one of my friends who hates strip clubs. She always says that she doesn't need her husband coming home jumping her b/c some <insert anything derogatory here> primed his pump.
I'm not into strip clubs or male strippers and FI isn't into it either, however it is something that we have definitely discussed beforehand. I'm sure your FI is sorry and just didn't know that it would bother you. Especially like you said he didn't even know about the strip club until it was already happening. I would feel like you - I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it for a while - but don't let it affect your relationship. It's not a reflection of how he feels about you or his respect for you if he didn't know you'd be uncomfortable with it. I think probably if a guy was getting readt to go to his bachelor party and his lady hadn't mentioned a word about no strippers, he would probably assume that it was fine.
@hotchild - I so want to read that book. Also, i love chelsea!
@hotchild - um, I think we have the same taste! Haha, My Horizontal Life is one of my favorite reads as well. Love Chelsea.
To the OP, I just wanted to put in that there are so many things that have happened in my relationship with R that are basically your situation: I figured something was assumed, because it was so obvious to me. It wasn't obvious to him, so he unknowingly did said wrong thing, I felt hurt, he apologized, and didn't do it again. That's just basic communication, and really has nothing to do with the strip club or lap dance themselves.
I'm kind of torn about this issue (strip clubs in general). I've been to several strip clubs for work, and I have no problem with my boyfriend going (or getting a lap dance).
BUT I had a number of friends who were strippers (I used to work at a punk venue), and almost all of them were taken horrible advantage of by the strip club owners. All of them ended up on drugs, partially to dull their work experience, but mostly because the owners would push them on the girls. See, if the girls ended up hooked, then they would go into debt with the owners and the owners would basically have free strippers. That's leaving aside the fact that several of their coworkers were sexually assaulted by guys who figured "what the hell, she's just a stripper."
The Diablo Cody experience is a really different one, because (if I recall correctly) she did it because she wanted to, not because she had to. Most strippers call girls like her (including a girl I know who stripped for research for her Women's Studies thesis- for real!) "tourists."
So I don't know. It's complicated.
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