- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
So…I really thought that I was the type of girl who was “cool” with strip clubs. Really, I thought I was. As it turns out, I’m not really. I’ve recently discovered this – as in about an hour ago discovered this.
I…I feel like SUCH a prude, or like I don’t trust my FI enough to let him go to a strip club for his bachelor. And, I’m not sure if I am one or both of these things. Perhaps you guys can help me work through it.
My FI has, from day one, said to me that he does not like strip clubs because they make him uncomfortable. Which hey, I understhand. They’re kinda awkward even at the best of times, though when I was younger I used to go with groups of people because it was “cool” for a chic to like strip clubs. Still, it was always difficult for me to watch a boyfriend (whoever it was at the time) get a lapdance from a stripper, so I guess I wasn’t as “okay” with it as I thought I was at the time.
Anyhow, the FI has been to the strip club maybe twice since we’ve been dating. All fo the times, he went because A) it was his work taking him out to lunch for his birthday or B) one of our friends dragged him out to one when I was out at my bachelorette – having dinner and drinks
Now, while I wasn’t terribly thrilled, “A” was a non-issue, mainly because “A”was during the day, with his boss from work, and not his idea. “B” is a little trickier for me. This friend – Gary Stu – loves strip clubs, always goes/used to go to strip clubs as his main place to go to drink and hang out with friends, and only dates strippers because they’re easy to take home. He’s not monogamous in the least – he is single right now – but even when he was in a relationship, monogamy wasn’t his thing. Fine, that’s Gary Stu and not my FI. He didn’t get any lapdances, but I dunno – I found out after he went so it’s not like there was anythign I could’ve said about it.
Still, the fact remains that I realized that I’m uncomfortable with the thought of another woman who is probably more attractive than me and a whole helluva lot more naked than I’d like sitting on my FI’s laps and purposefully giving him a “tease”. It just…god, it makes me so upset and jealous and I know that’s an issue that I need to work through. Still, it’s how I feel. (and for the record, I freely admit to having terrible self esteem and issues with my weight -ie: how I think I need to look to be pretty, etc. – so the thought of my FI going to a place where attractive women are walking around in skimpy clothing makes me feel like so much less than.)
Right now, we just got into a huge argument about the bachelor party. Since we’ve been engaged, I’ve said I don’t feel comfortable with a strip club. And FI has said I don’t like that stuff either, so I’ll just go out to dinner and go to the bar and drink with friends.
Except…a little while ago, I was on the phone with him and he mentioned who was going to be there – Gary Stu and a few others, who pretty much go to bachelor parties because they expect to go to a strip club. Sort of joking and sort of panicking, I said, “You’re probably going to end up at a strip club.” To which FI replies, “Yeah, we’ll probably end up at one.”
Excuse me? WTF?! What happened to all of your convictions about not having to go to one to have a good time?
His argument is that that is what people are expecting and he’s not going to just have the most boring bachelor party ever because I don’t want him to go to one. Then it came up that he is doing it because that is just what you do at your bachelor party and that going out to dinner and having a drink is something guys just do on boring old Friday night. He claims he’s going because he doesn’t want to endure the merciless flak he’ll get from the guys who want to go to a strip club if he says that he “can’t” or “doesn’t” want to go.
My issue, besides all of my insecurities I have about strip clubs in general? That he is basically telling me, that against his better convictions and whatnot, that with the right group of people he will allow himself to be “pressured” into something that he doesn’t particularly like. I just don’t know if I can buy the argument that he’s doing it for other people – it’s a strip club! It’s not…I don’t know, saying that you will run 5k or fast or give up chocolate for a good cause, because you’re doing it for other people.
I just…and yes, I got mad and didn’t handle it the best way I could because I’m having a very hard time with the fact that he won’t or can’t or whatever stand up for himself to put his foot down and say, “No strip clubs – if you don’t like it, too bad” to these guys. I mean, why is that so hard? He knows if he goes out with them he will HAVE to go to a strip club, or, as he put it, he’ll eventually be worn down enough that they’ll goad him to going to one and….then what?
What happens after that? If they can goad him into that, “wear him down” as it were, what’s going to happen inside?
I might’ve been okay with it if he didnt’ phrase it that way, or even…god, I just don’t know, I don’t even know if I’m making sense here. I’m just so angry about it, the fact that he says it’s just what you do. Where in the handbook does it say that?
So anyway, he’s now changed all his plans and is going with a different group of people to dinner and a bar, because it makes me happy. But he’s sulky about it, it’s his plan B, and now I feel like a piece of shit. I want him to be happy, I want him to have the bachelor party he apparently wants to have – I know I flipped out initially, but if he actually WANTS to go, I can trust him with that — because it would have been HIS decsion.
He won’t say it to me, that he wants to go. He keeps saying that he’d be pressured into going and will give in. And it’s THAT that makes me uncomfortable – not to mention the fact that strip club connisiure Gary Stu will/would’ve been there and I really don’t trust him at all. It’s the fact that he admits that he can be pressured into something like that, then what else will he be pressured into.
I indicated this and he got very upset (kinda started crying) because he thought I trusted him more than that. And now I feel doubly terrible and he won’t go to the damn strip club, and I feel like such a huge bitch and that I’ve ruined his bachelor. But…isn’t that what he always said he wanted to do, from the start? Just go to dinner and have a few drinks? I guess I felt blindsided or something.
God, I feel all turned around about this. Now I want him to go because I don’t want to be the one to have ruined his bachelor party, but all my standing issues about strip clubs remain.
This feels stupid. I feel stupid for even bringing any of this up, but there you go. I had to get it out, I guess.