(Closed) Strippers at my Man’s Bachelor Party…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

I feel bad for you. This topic has been discussed ad nauseum. Maybe if you browse the old threads you can glean something that would make you feel better.

Post # 4
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I really hope you and your FI can sort this out.  You have to decide first, is this a deal breaker?  If you decide you still want to proceed with the wedding, you guys need to think about how you can work past this. 

 

Post # 5
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Oh my gosh, you might be opening a wormhole here! There are so many different feelings about strippers and bach. parties.

I’ll try and concentrate on how you’re feeling.

There’s nothing that you can do to change the situation. You can’t go back in time and what’s done is done. He went, he had a lapdance (which by the way, I’ve never heard of a groom going to a stripper club and NOT having a lapdance–that’s what all his friends buy him; it doesn’t necessarily mean that he was jonesing for it, per se). It sounds like he was upfront about it with you and doesn’t sound like he has much to hide.

You need to recognize when you are thinking about him and the stripper and STOP. Or, do what I do which is hold the thought and then change her face to look like my fourth-grade teacher (which then becomes funny-weird). Trust me, the images in your head are far worse than what went on in real life.

Okay, now *I* might be opening up a real wormhole here, but here’s the explanation I’ve gotten about the experience of a stripper lapdance from DH (I’m hoping that knowing a little more about what it was like from his perspective might help you deal with the probably unlikely scenarios in your head): DH has been to strip clubs (he didn’t have a bach party, but he’s been to them as a guest) and had laptaps before and when I ask him about it he’s like, “I mean, it’s nice, I guess, but mostly it’s just kind of weird.” Which I take to mean: it’s not sex, which is weird, and it’s not intimate, which is weird, and it’s not with someone he knows, which is weird. And then the kicker, which was “I don’t know how you’ll take this, but I sort of started to superimpose your face onto the stripper’s after a while because it was more fun to imagine if it were you and not just some girl.” Some girls might not like being told that; I personally took it as a good sign. Don’t know if my story helps any but I hope it does.

It’s okay if you’re hurt and it’s okay to experience all the feelings you are feeling. But at the end of the day, you have to forgive your FI, if you want to marry him. Trust that he loves YOU.

Post # 6
Hostess
11299 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Ah sending hugs {{o}}

I know what it’s like for your mind to race and I can see why you’re upset. I know what i’m saying wont comfort you but I think you need to think of it in a lighthearted way in that yeah he’s a man he’s bound to do something like that on a bachelor’s party and remember it’s YOU he loves.  

 

Post # 7
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Sorry to hear how upset you are about this and I do completely understand how you feel and would probably the feel the exact same way as you do. But the harsh reality in your case is that its already happened. its not like he is about to go to the strip club and get the “special treatment” he’s already been and done it, so theres really  nothing more he or you can do about it, other than to try very hard to put it out of your mind. IF you had specifically told him not to do and he still did it that would have been a different story but I guess he was under the assumption that you were ok with it? and didnt realize it would upset you. Its easier said than done but there really is no other way to get over this than to stop thinking about it.

Post # 8
Member
738 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I completely & totally understand. My FI hasn’ t had a bachelor party yet but the thought of that happening to him is disgusting. I know that’s what “bachelor parties re all about” but, really, is that what it’s come to? Bachelor parties are ALL about women grinding and shoving their boobs into strangers faces? It’s quite a sad concept, actually.

Post # 9
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Very well put Prewitt & JennyWi.  It hurts right now but I think it will heal quickly.  Most importantly he told you about it and didn’t hide if from you even though he probably knew you would be hurt.  AND he did apologize because he understood that it hurt you.  Think of it as him watching a porno…? Or as JennyWI said it, it was your fourth grade teacher hehe. 

Only you can make yourself feel better on this one.  Remember that he loves you, he came home to you, and he wants to MARRY you. I would have been more hurt from the “just text me” after skydiving then the lap dance. But I’m more sensitive on the little things lol.

Brush it off, but maybe in the future you should talk about things like this and about what you both are comfortable with.

Stop crying deary you’ll be ok <HUGS!!>

Post # 10
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

This is exactly why FI and I have established boundaries for situations like these.  I told him what I was comfortable with – strip clubs/lap dances, and what I was NOT comfortable with – no strippers in private rooms, no strippers coming to hotels, etc.

My heart aches for you because I can imagine how it would feel.  But in his defense, if he didn’t know it would bother you so much, he was probably clueless. 

I don’t really have any advice for you 🙁 Just virtual hugs and warm thoughts.

Post # 11
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Oh I feel for you, sweety. I hope you and your FI are able to work everything out. 

Post # 12
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am sorry and completely understand. However while you have this image of this skinny pretty girl grinding all over your fiance I have a different image for you. Strippers are not usually pretty or hot actually a lot of them are pretty gross and as far a grinding all over and being into your FI, she is getting paid to do it and probably has a blank stare on her face. She is not an ugly girl not touching your fiance and can’t wait for it to be over to collect your money.

Please noone come back with an attack on how you know a pretty hot stripper. I just wanted to share a different image that is actually the case the majority of the time.

Post # 13
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Our wedding is in March next year, and quite honestly the whole Stripper thing at a guys bachelor i TOTALLY disagree with.  For many MANY reasons which i won’t bother really explaining now…so i can completely see where you are coming from because i would feel the same, i know i would.  I would probably not even talk to him for a while because just looking at his face would be enough to envision the WHOLE thing and i dont think i can handle it.

So dont feel bad, you are not alone in this one!

I just dont see the point in WHY a guy would WANT to see another girl in barely nothing before he is about to marry his supposed love of his life?  i will take it as an insult if my Fiance has a stripper or goes to a club.  & he knows that. 

Post # 14
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

@roxy821: agreed. I was going to say this as well. Many strippers are not very attractive and do not have the best bodies. Also, I have gotten a lap dance before and frankly its just awkward. It is kind of funny actually because all the girl who is doing wants is your money! She doesnt care about anything else. Im sure he didnt do it to hurt you and Im sure he would have been open to a conversation about it if you had laid out ground rules beforehand. A part of marriage is forgiveness so this is a good place to start! I would definitely be milking this though as a way to not do chores or to go to a nice dinner or even get some flowers!!!

Post # 15
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

ah so sorry 🙁 atleast he was open and honest with you about it! I know it stinks and it’s hard to get those images out of your head! Hugs

Post # 16
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

roxy821  & PitBulLover  Do have good points. DEF. a different way to look at it!

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