Post # 1
I need some input bees…
I understand that most men aren’t exactly gung-ho about planning weddings- especially the small details. My FI has only shown interests about the venue, food, getaway car, and bridal suite (seems like what’s typically on a man’s brain I guess ).
But the issue I’m facing has to do with his reactions to everything else. When we first got engaged and actually began the planning process, I couldn’t stop thinking about the details! When I get excited, I talk. A LOT. Well, after a few times of bringing up my excitement, my FI flat out asked me to stop bringing up the wedding! I expressed how much this hurt my feelings, and he apologized. I understood from his POV, and refrained from talking about it as much as before, and he was kinder about it when I did bring it up.
However, with the details that I need his opinion on, he refuses to help. That forces me to make a decision myself. Not a problem-BUT if I do something he refused to help with and he doesn’t like it, he voices his opinion, and expects me to go with a different choice. ex: after we both agreed on the venue, he later expressed that he thinks the distance is too far and that he wanted to look at more options- AFTER we paid the deposit, with less than 6 months until the wedding. (I told him he could work that out by himself if he wanted it, so he could see how difficult this is) Luckily, he didn’t take action.
My point is just that I feel like he shouldn’t get to say yes or no on things that he refused to help with in the first place.
Keep in mind- I am a full time student for pharmacy and planning this entire wedding by myself. According to him, he doesn’t seem to see why I’m so stressed out… This has sparked numerous arguments, and sometimes I feel like he’d rather not get married. Did he forget that HE was the one who asked??
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017
How far away is the planned/probable wedding date? If it’s over a year from now he probably feels it’s too early. Also how long ago did he propose?
Perhaps he’s stressed with other things at work or in his own social/personal life?
More details please and in the mean time vent here to avoid further arguments with him!!
Post # 4
The wedding day is now only 4 months away! It’s coming fast, and it’s crunch time with the smaller details, which is why I’m feeling the stress.
He proposed about a year ago (early April 2012).
He does work full time, which is why I understand that he can’t help with most of the planning, but it upsets me that he’s acts almost annoyed when I ask for input. Then he feels obligated to tell me when he doesn’t like something I decided on.
Post # 5
@MrsYoshida: sorry, my last comment was meant to be a reply.
Post # 6
I’m having similar problems with mine too. He doesn’t want to hear about it every second, but he wants a say in everything and we seem to be polar opposite opinions on every single thing. So we come to an agreement on something, I plan it, put all the work into it and he finally tells me he never liked it and just agreed to make me happy. Well, that didn’t work very well since it started a fight, did it? we’re also 4 months out and pretty much have NOTHING planned. he wants to cut the guest list in half, not use the venue we picked. We have no clothes. I’m so frustrated and sick of replanning everything. We’re on reception planning #5. I spend so much time and he doesn’t get it at all.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2013 - Franklin Plaza
I am sorry to hear about your situations. I don’t know if this will help or not, but this is what I’ve found works well for my fiance and I. We try to turn all of the planning stuff into dates. For example, tomorrow we are going out to the bakery to make some more cake decisions. After we are going to grab ice cream somewhere. We are going to our venue on Sunday and afterwards are going to walk around downtown after and find fun places to take photos on the day of.
For other small things that we can do at home, we sit down, throw on a show, open a bottle of wine and pull out the wedding binder. Also, we don’t do a lot at once. We make it a goal on one of those nights to get one thing done – like tonight we are going to make the food choices for the reception.
I hope this helps!!!
Post # 8
What if you guys schedule a time to talk about it?
Like make an appt to discuss wedding details. Then he can enter into the conversation knowing what he’s going into and you’ll be able to get his say on certain things.
“Okay SO, first matter of business: personalized napkins, yes or no?”
*write it down*
“Okay, next order of business: first look?”
This has been working pretty well thus far for SO and I. We refrain from any sort of wedding talk any other time unless it’s pertinent or comes up organically like he had an idea for a first dance or something or wedding pie.
We even set deadlines for ourselves. Like, we had to choose a venue by this date, have appointments with at least 3 caterers by X date.
I know it’s not ideal for every couple but for us ADD kids, it really keeps us on track and focused and able to meet deadlines. Otherwise, we’d both be totally lost and overwhelmed.
Post # 9
@subola: thank you for that idea. I love it!
unfortunately that doesn’t work as well for my FI And I. I have tried similar approaches, but if I begin talking about the wedding, he acts annoyed and sometimes I can’t even tell if he’s actually listening to me. The only time he doesn’t act that way is if HE finds it interesting (the car, etc.) Anything else he says ‘whatever you want. It’s your thing’. I feel like this is OUR thing, and it’s not whatever I want, because he’ll disagree if he doesn’t want it. Lol
sorry about the rant… I’m just irritated
Post # 10
I am all about schedules and deadlines. He is not. Anything wedding (unless he finds it interesting) he gets an attitude. And he has no sense of deadlines and structure. I have it all worked out on a timeline and tell him what deadline is coming up and just says (okay we’ll be fine), and then he puts it away and doesn’t even touch the subject again. If I wasn’t paying attention to what we need and when, I swear NOTHING would be done lol
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
Ugh this would irritate me too. I would have blown up at him a lot time ago and told him that he can either contribute from the start or shut up, or else there will be no wedding.
Post # 12
@KsoontobeN: Something tells me that this isn’t that uncommon. Most people have no idea of what goes into planning a wedding unless they’ve done it themselves or have been a part of it in some way.
My SO seems to think that he’ll be able to get ready 5-10 minutes before the ceremony, go to the altar, say a few words and then party til the sun comes up. Catering? Why should we pay a caterer? We’ll just do it ourselves!
I had to shake my head and give him an “Oh, honey, no.”. Seriously, I’m thinking about dragging him to the next wedding I’m shooting just so he can see how much goes into it.
But, I digress. If he doesn’t care or doesn’t want to talk about it. Just go ahead and do it without him. If the big stuff like the venue, the caterer, the DJ are all planned out; then there’s really not much for him to decide. Just be sure to let him know what you’re doing.
“Honey, I’m ordering personalized napkins for the reception.”
I mean, you said so yourself, if he disagrees or doesn’t like it– he’ll let you know.
I’m sure he thinks he’s just being “laid back” and letting you do your thing and that sucks because you end up feeling like you’re picking up the slack. Still, you can’t MAKE him care about this stuff– just work with his disposition.
And then come here and bitch about it all you want because I KNOW there are girls here who can totally relate to you.
Post # 13
Lol trust me I have blown up and broken down… he just doesn’t see the importance of it like I do.
And sorry, but I have to get this out! It has driven me NUTS! Choosing the wedding colors together was pretty easy. One of the first things that got done. He wanted black, gold, and ivory. That’s it-just those three colors. Throughout the planning process, I found it very hard to color coordinate in a nice way (girls dresses, etc) I didn’t like the idea of their dress color being tied down to gold or black! So, I took the liberty of adding dark purple! This has made everything SO much easier with color coordinating and it is looking great! But now… FI has acted like he has a problem with me adding another color besides the original 3. I explained my case, and he said ‘okay, but you only get a little’. I have tied the purple in perfectly so far. He rolled his eyes when I told him the girls dresses would be purple… I mean, c’mon, REALLY?! How do I handle this without punching him in the face?! (Not really, but sometimes I wish I could haha)
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
@KsoontobeN: Honestly, I would go to counseling with him. It sounds like he has some major control and communication issues that you guys should sort out before getting married. What happens when you have a kid and have to decide what to name him?
ETA And I’m sorry, but “you only get a little”????!!!!??? He is being awfully controlling for someone who won’t help. If you don’t stand up for yourself and find a way to compromise with him I’m afraid that this will become a bigger issue once you are married.
Post # 15
July 6th Brides!! The Countdown begin. It really is crunch time! I am completely with you. My FI is the same way! No worries, I know it can be very stressful! I am planning it completely on my own as well. I pretty much have to annoy him till he will “get stuff done” I don’t think men comprehend “time” when it comes to weddings. I have asked him for 2 weeks to get me the addresses of the people he was wanting to invite. I have sent all of my family “save the dates” already. But I have never met his dads side of the family (they are the ones he is inviting & and live 10+ hours away). It’s a weird situation b/c he isnt close with his family at all. Me on the other hand, we are all super close.
Guess all we can do, is just ask their opinions and continue to let them know whats going on! Hang in there!! It’s almost party time!
Post # 16
@KsoontobeN: I feel the same way sometimes. FI doesn’t ever tell me to “stop” talking about the wedding, but I get the “I don’t care” thing a lot. Sometimes it’s the little detail stuff too that I don’t really care about either, but at some point, a decision has to be made!! Not fair that it all falls on you…
Registering for gifts was like pulling teeth. “Which set of silverware should we get?” “I don’t care.” “Well I don’t care either so I guess we’ll just close our eyes and pick one at random!!!!” Ugh..