Struggle with sister in law. What to do

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
592 posts
Busy bee

That sucks. I have conflict with a few cousins of my SO, so I know how awkward it can be. 

The family isn’t doing any favors for her by letting her be disrespectful, on one hand. On the other if she’s old enough to move out then she can’t be disciplined the same as a disrespectful dependent. 

My heart breaks for her, and for you. She might be lashing out as there is a possibility she is jealous of you and the devotion you receive from her brother.

As far as the family meeting, prepare in advance. Sit and think/feel the situation fully. Set aside the resentment or jealousy you feel towards how the family treats her and your complaints about the sisters current actions against you and your relationship. Plan out what you’d like to raise with the family/sister and use empathetic lead ins (such as, I don’t understand why you feel this way but I’d like to listen to you about how you I feel.) And let her air her opinions. Then, calmly present your feelings after validating hers. Don’t be dismissive of her thoughts(even though they might be immature or harsh from the sound of it) but also don’t back down from presenting your own thoughts. Talk the points over with you FI first, before her or the fam, just to make sure you’re both on the same page and he will back you up if need be.

If it still doesn’t improve, than just make peace with the fact you tried. You don’t owe endless efforts of peacemaking to someone who doesn’t want it. And when you know a difficult get together is on the horizon, mentally prepare by relaxing before hand and putting yourself in a good mood. Resolve to stay in that state all night. If SIL comes at you directly, brush it off with a laugh and a smile and if need be a tailored polite response and go on enjoying the company of your FI and his other family and forget it ever happened(or ,at least act like it in the moment!)

Best of luck!

Post # 4
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Haruyou:  this is not an ideal situation. I don’t know how much a family meeting would help- I would be concerned it might make everything worse. Honestly, she sounds like an immature spoiled brat and that’s not going to change (if ever) until she grows up. I would ignore her and cross my fingers he grows up eventually. It might also help if your FI stood up for you. If his sister is being rude to you and the parents aren’t saying anything, he should tell her that she’s being rude. You two are a team and you need to be on the same page. Hugs and good luck OP!

Post # 6
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think you need to leave her alone and let it be. She is CLEARLY extremely extremely immature and doesn’t know at all how to act like an adult. You don’t need to have a relationship with someone like that, and the more you bug her with Facebook and trying to be buddies the more annoyed she’s going to get. Be the adult and just stop caring about this stuff  and her shitty. Let her act any way she wants. Whatever way she does act completely is on her and has everything to do with her, not you. It’s truly not personal no matter how personal it feels like it is.  Maybe when she grows up and realizes you don’t care about her antics anymore you guys will be able to build something. 

Post # 7
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

It sounds like she’s a bit immature and much of it could be for her age.  If you guys are 24 and she’s 5 yrs younger that makes her 19?  I wouldn’t expect much from someone that age in terms of respect and kindness, especially now a days.  Sounds like her parents need to make her be a little more responsible for herself, that will definitely teach her to respect and be curteous to to others real fast!

Post # 8
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

I agree that you just need to leave her alone for now. She clearly doesn’t want a relationship with you, and any attempts you make to foster a relationship will probably make it worse because she is so ridiculous. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but I think you should just ignore her as much as possible from now on!

Post # 9
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Leave her alone.  She doesn’t want to be friends with you…she doesn’t have to be, it’s not compulsory.  When I was in my early 20s, I tried to be friendly with my then FSIL…she made it pretty clear she didn’t approve of me.  So I left it alone.   25 years later, all I regret now is that I cared so much about it back then…

However, she does need to be civil.  If her parents are incapable of making sure she is, when she starts up with her childish crap, both you and your FI should leave.  Even if it is only a few minutes in.  If the parents object, just calmly state that you and your FI have jointly decided you are no longer going to put up with her crap.  

Post # 11
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Haruyou: She sounds like a 19-year-old idiot and hopefully she’ll mature. Treat her like the kid she is – being super indulgent and polite. Don’t let it bother you, she is still a child (not all 19-year-olds are, but she is).

Post # 12
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Ummm there’s nothing you need to do.  Based on what you told us this chick is really, really immature.  Let her dig her own grave with the weird shit she’s saying.  Just give her a weird look next time she says something stupid and ignore her. Eventually, as she grows up, she’ll stop from not getting a rise out of you anymore.

Just let her be an idiot.  The universe tends to unfold as it should.

Post # 13
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

She actually sounds like she’s in love with her brother. The comment where “she doesn’t even want him back” just makes me think that even more. Some ppl are just disgusting and rude. Ignore her.

Post # 14
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Haruyou:  my own 19 year old brother has been acting a lot like this lately. I totally get where youre coming from because I too have tried everything. I cannot even imagine how poor FI feels about him right now… 

Unfrtunately, the best thing you can do right now is stand your ground when she’s being an ass to you and just sit back an try to deal with the rest. It sucks but alas, I am slowly learming that not ALLL teenagers are nice to be aroun 😉

Post # 16
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Haruyou:  Totally understand how it’s hard to ignore. She sounds like a difficult person and it’s unfortunate that she her behaviour hasn’t been pulled in. I agree with PPs to just let her be her own idiot self. Everyone around her knows what she’s like.

On the plus (???) side, at least she’s up front about it and you know where you stand. Better than her behaving passive aggressively. That suuuuucks, and that’s what I experience instead.

It’s easier to confront or defend yourself/stand your ground, or make any decisions regarding that relationship when something is that obviously in your face.

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