Struggling over boyfriend's past….

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

You’re beingirrarional. Everyone has a past. Key word, past. Not present. Not future. You said yourself that he cannot change his past, and you need to let this go. Everyone makes mistakes, and you shouldn’t measure your partners by yourself. Everyone is different. You definitely need counselling by yourself, and maybe as a couple if that’s what you both want. That being said, you need to start focusing on the life that you both have together, and the new life that you have created. If you hang on to what happened before you even met you will ruin what you have now, believe me. Look forward to the future. You cannot change yesterday but you can shape tomorrow.

Post # 3
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Look at it statistically.  You’ve been sexually active for one year.  He’s been sexually active for 9 years.

your avarage is 2 partners per year, his is 1.4. 

Think about it.

Post # 4
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I know it’s hard, but you just need to try and forget about it if the relationship is going to be a success. To be honest, when it started reading I thought it would be a lot worse! I thought you were going to say he’d been with hundreds of girls or something. 

if you really can’t forget, you should break up with him and find someone less experienced. 

Post # 5
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I think you’re being really unfair on him. Why should he regret any of his past? It’s made him who he is today.  It’s not even a wild, crazy past for a 24 year old man. I mean, you’re young and inexperienced with relationships so I can understand you being dramatic. But you need to try and get out of your own head because you have a baby on the way that you should be focussing on. Try researching “mindfulness” for some ideas on controlling your thoughts. Seriously, just let it go. 

Post # 6
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Oh wow, I somehow totally missed that you were pregnant! Congratulations! 

Seriously, in that case I take back my advice on ‘just breaking up with him’. You should focus on working through this. His past is his past, and it really isn’t anything that out of the ordinary for a young guy in this day and age. Focus on your future together and your child. Wishing you all the best! 

Post # 7
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

XOSMarieOX:  I think you’re being completely ridiculous! 😀

Everyone has a past.. seriously who cares if he was with 1, 10 or 25 girls before you..it makes absolutely NO difference to your present life with him! You’re being really unfair towards him… he’s HUMAN.. people make mistakes, do stupid things, and if you’re a normal person all that just makes you grow up and turn into who you are now. 

You need to cut this guy some slack and just live your life with him and totally forget about his past. 

Post # 8
Member
958 posts
Busy bee

If he and his girlfriend had separate bedrooms when they briefly lived together, and he moved out just because he “wanted out of his mom’s place,” it sounds like it was more of a roommate situation with someone he happened to be dating than true romantic cohabitation.  I’ve been in that situation before, as well as living with a romantic partner, and the two situations result in a VERY different set behaviors and interactions.

Post # 9
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

And FYI he shouldn’t regret ANY of it. All of it was a learning experience that’s made him the man that you fell in love with… so be glad for it.

Post # 10
Member
7400 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Either you find a way to deal with how you are feeling or you leave. It is totally unfair and immature to hold his past relationships against him. 

Post # 11
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

I think that the counselling may be helpful but possibly just for you initially. The issues are all yours and rail-roading him into counselling which is just for your issues could make him resentful.

good luck with your pregnancy (ps the hormones are only going to get more crazy from now on in, including when little one arrives so I would definitely face everything now then put it to bed… For good!)

Post # 12
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

XOSMarieOX:  Honestly, he doesn’t sound like a bad guy at all. 13 isn’t anything astronomical even if he started at age 15. Also, the “cheating on his ex” thing – he broke up with her the next day so that tells me if he DID end up doing something so stupid (and it sounds like he was unhappy in that relationship anyway) he would correct it by ending it or telling you what happened – which if it happened, wouldn’t you want to know? He sounds like a pretty reasonable fella, I wouldn’t sweat it. Just because you may have started a little later than him doesn’t make him a bad guy for doing what he did. And if you’re both happy now and things are great, let it be great!

Post # 13
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

XOSMarieOX:  I’ve slept with more people than my fiancé and it makes absolutely no difference to anything.  It has no bearing on how much we love each other or how committed we are to each other. It’s just sex, some people have had lots some people haven’t,  it doesn’t matter as long as he’s honest which it sounds like he is (especially given his behaviour when he kissed another girl and came clean straight away). The issue is all in your head and you need to find a way to move past if you don’t want to ruin your relationship

Post # 14
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

My boyfriend has also had a past (40-50 partners, several threesomes, a pregnancy that ended in abortion, living with a girlfriend he cheated on for four years).  In fact, he says I’m the only girlfriend he hasn’t cheated on.  Is that a red flag?  Yes!  But, until I see otherwise, I’m trusting that he actually feels differently with me, as he says.  We were both raised in divorced households with traumatic events (him moreso than me).  I attribute the majority of his negative behavior to the way he was raised.  The women in his family believe that all men cheat.  They’ve been expressing that concept to him forever.  It’s only natural for someone to pick their cues up from expectations they’ve been taught by family. 

However, I’ve had a large number of partners (not as much as my boyfriend but more than your boyfriend!), and I don’t feel like it’s a “stain on my past” or anything.  Sometimes people just take a more windy road to get to the present than others, and I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing.  I had trouble at first accepting some of the parts of my boyfriends past, but I’m also grateful that he feels comfortable discussing it with me, and not hiding it.  I would just try to let it go and focus on your current life.  That’s all that matters.  And raising your child so that it doesn’t get the messages that lying, cheating, violence, etc., is acceptable. 

Post # 15
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I actually think you’re being really egotistical. You asked questions that weren’t really your business and you now have the gall to shame him and take his past personally. It has nothing to do with you. 130 people, id get the ick. 13? Get over it. 

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