- 8 years ago
- Wedding: May 2010
I am a regular poster on here with a high post count (Buzzing Bee) but I have gone incognito to ask this question. I have been wanting to ask you all about this for a while but didn’t want to put such personal business out there online when my picture and name are a part of my profile. I wish I could talk with a friend about this, but I don’t have any close girlfriends who would understand at all. I am really hoping I can get some constructive advice here.
I have been married for several weeks now, and let me first say that I have the most wonderful husband. I know most women think that, but I really love my husband and we are really happy. Marriage thus far has been such a joy. However, the one thing that I have always struggled over has gotten much worse since we have been married — I have serious jealous, insecure feelings about my husband’s sexual past.
Now, he doesn’t have any sexual history that is that unusual. He has had 9 partners other than me, one of which was a long-term relationship. I understand rationally that he didn’t know he was going to meet me, and that I can’t blame him for sleeping with other women before we were together. Still, the thought really upsets me, often to the point that I cry. I try not to think about it, but whenever I do, I get very worked up and it makes it hard for me to feel close to him. I mostly think about whether the other women were better in bed than I am and if they shared the kind of tenderness and intimacy that we share. The thought of him being intimate with another woman in the same way that we are intimate literally makes me want to be sick, even though it was in the past.
What made me finally bring this here was today we were having a lighthearted, immature conversation about shock porn videos (like 2 Girls 1 Cup) in the car, and he mentioned “squirting” videos. I said I didn’t think that was a real thing, and he was like, “…Well, I’m pretty sure its real…” and then I pressed him, “Who? When?” and couldn’t stop myself from asking more details. Then, of course, thinking about it made me very upset, to the point that when we got home I went in the bathroom to cry. The idea that he has shared something sexually with other women that he has not shared with me makes me feel inadequate, even though I know in my mind that is irrational.
When I collected myself, I told him we have to put a 100% kibosh on conversations about past sexual experiences, even if that means that he has to intentionally not tell me something. I told him I felt like that would be the only way for me to not get upset, and he agreed and apologized.
However, I feel like I need to do more than just ignore it — I need to try to come to terms with it and overcome my feelings of jealousy and insecurity. I’ve actually considered seeing a counselor because this is such a big issue for me. Have any of you dealt with this? How do you cope?