Weddingbee boards

Hi bees! I really need some honest, constructive feedback, because I am starting to think that maybe I am becoming a bridezilla! My FI is getting frustrated with me asking his opinion and then being upset when he doesn't like something. I just am really struggling with having the wedding I have always envisioned and incorporating what will make him happy too.

Some background: we're planning a June 2010 outdoor, daytime wedding at my parent's home in the country. We're having a morning ceremony in the front yard and then a tented brunch immediately after. My "keywords" are: relaxed, intimate, informal, family-oriented. I want it to feel like an elegant family reunion. I grew up with Southern weddings that are very "backyard BBQ" style, so while I want it to be a little more fancy than that, I want it to be warm and relaxed and condusive to mingling, rather than a traditional, formal event.

FI, on the other hand, is used to much more formal weddings - think church weddings with dinner & dancing at a banquet hall. While that's lovely, that's not very "me" and not what I would like. From the first moment we talked about marraige, he has known the "down home" (literally!) feel I desire.

While he says he's on board with the greater concept, everytime we talk about a detail, his opinion is that it is too casual or too country. For example, he doesn't like having Adirondack chairs for people to relax in, because its not formal enough. Because of this, I have been incorporating more formal aspects to the wedding plans & not even considering some things I like that I know he'll think are just way too casual.

One thing we've gone back and forth on, as well, is attire. He would like to have all the men - wedding party and immediate family - in tuxes, and he wants to wear a white bow tie. I think this is tacky for a daytime outdoor wedding. He likes to dress up a lot, so I understand why he'd rather wear a tux than just a suit, but I feel like he & his guys will look silly next to my bridesmaids in sundresses! He also hates the idea of the ring bearers wearing eaton suits or khaki suits instead of tuxes.

How can we compromise on this? I guess my main question is really - how much should we? Is it okay that I don't really want to? I feel like most brides have their idea of their wedding, and I sometimes resent him for encroaching on it. But then the other half of the time, I feel guilty for feeling that way! HELP. And thanks :)

Oh yuck.  I think I'd feel the same way about, "Why does he have to care so much?  Most guys don't care."  But if you look on the bright side, I think that part of his personality you'll probably enjoy.  He'll still want to look nice when you go out after you've been married for years.  Not like a slob, or someone uncoordinated.  Also,  keep focusing on the part where you're super lucky to be marrying your prince. 

Where there's a will there's a way.  Unfortunately for you, you've had to make some compromises on your vision.  But it's right to compromise because it's his day too.  I've seen really cool weddings that incorporate casual or rustic (think barn or log cabin) with super elegant.  Can you do this with your parents' estate?  Also you mentioned the tux being too formal for the daytime.  Can you change it to the evening?  Of course I love candles.  So I'd be on top of that.  I'm not sure what type of tux he's looking at, but I think a rather simple tux would be OK for the daytime.  But I agree that it might seem awkward to have tuxes and sundresses.  Can you kick up the BM dresses to be more formal, but simple?  Keep them knee length but a more sophisticated fabric?  And your husband can be in a tux.  But the GMs can be in nice suits with matching vests and ties, with the BM colors?  Maybe he can keep the ring bearer in a tux, to look like a minigroom??

Could you do a formal cocktail hour, and a relaxed dinner? Maybe the tables can be understated but with unique centerpieces, that make him feel like it's a traditional formal wedding.

I think there are possibilities for you. 

Thanks so much for the encouragement, hive! I know its a great thing that he's involved, and you're right - the fact that he's "dapper" is one thing I love about him! :)

I really do what this day to be special and comfortable for both FI and his family. We are having a assigned seating at round tables like a typical wedding reception for that reason, something I would have rather forgone for the sake of mingling. I wanted to have the lounge-y chairs in a seperate hanging out area. The thing is, the handful of things he's very against, he's just against them and unwilling to compromise. He might say he's okay with something after we've discussed it, but I know he doesn't like it at all.

I don't like the "mini-groom" ring bearer look. I don't even really like tuxes. But I'm thinking we might do him in black tie, groomsmen in tuxes with long ties in the wedding colors, and the ring bearers in vest outfits - basically a three piece suit without the jacket. What do you think of this?