(Closed) Struggling with insecurity…help? (Long, sorry)

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3901 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

1) your SO isn’t your ex. They are different people and your need to recognize and accept that.

2) You can’t guarantee that he will love you forever. No one can. You do the best you can in the moment, and go from there.

 

Post # 4
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LadyBlackheart:  ((HUGS))  You know, I think everyone on planet earth struggles with this from time to time.  Being insecure, needy and afraid is all part of the human experience. 

I’ve felt the same way you do, even about my own husband.  I love him so much!  The thought of him leaving me would be devastating.  And every time we have even a minor disagreement in the back of my mind I have to admit I get a little worried, because I’ve had relationships fail in the past, as well, just like you have.

I think it does get easier with time and the longevity of the relationship to feel more secure.  I’ve only been married to my husband for a little over 8 months and we’re coming up on our 2 year anniversary of being together in July.  So, in many senses our relationship is still very new and we’re still getting to know each other.

The bottom line is we’re all insecure about some things some of the time.  Even your BF is insecure about something in his life, although he may not admit it.  You don’t have to be perfect or feel completely secure to be happy.  In fact, as WB proves on a daily basis, even those who do feel completely secure in their relationships get blindsided by a break-up that was unexpected.  It happens. 

Have faith in your relationship but even more, have faith in yourself so that no matter what happens you will know you’re a strong woman who can make it on her own, with BF or without him.  Of course with him is preferable!  🙂  And do all you can to make your relationship healthy and happy.  All you can do is your own part.  Tell him every day how much you love and value him.  Learn to speak his love language and do for him those things you know he needs and wants you to do.  Do you part to make the relationship the best you can and then, no matter what happens, you will know in your heart you did all you could to make it work. 

I think that’s the best any person can do in any relationship. 

Post # 5
Member
9693 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@LadyBlackheart:  Don’t punish your current partner for the sins of your past partner. It is hard to do, because the past can scar you. But you will end up sabatoging your own relationship. If my FI were so insecure that he constantly questioned me and our relationship, it might make me start to do the same. I’d think, well, if he seems to think I should break up with him, maybe there is something to that.

I would start keeping a journal about these feelings rather than bringing them to your partner. Everyone feels insecure sometimes and you just need an outlet to get it out. He may not be the best outlet in this case. Or perhaps you could talk to someone to work on your own self-esteem issues. Nothing in life is guaranteed and there is no man in the world who can give a 100% absolute set in stone that he will love you forever. Relationships are risks worth taking.

Post # 6
Member
9693 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Sunfire:  Excellent advice, as always. You have to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I know I could make it on my own – I just wouldn’t want to 😛 But having that confidence in myself to get through anything really helps.

Post # 8
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You can never gaurantee that someone won’t break up with you – even after you’re married. The sooner you realize and accept this, the easier it will be on you.  

Are you a dependent person? I onlny ask because in previous relationships I was very dependent on my SO and also had the same feelings as you fearing a break up.  I worked very hard before I met my DH to get to a place where I was okay with being single and alone so I wouldn’t be dependent on a SO again and wouldn’t be afraid of a breakup (since those feelings cause fights and lead to a self fulfilling prophecy!)  Of course I would be devastated if we broke up/divorced, but I know now that I am not dependent and would be okay.  It has really helped to eliminate that feeling of being afraid of breaking up, which often leads to holding things in that bother us out of fear of starting an argument.  All in all, it’s just not healthy and doesn’t foster an honest, healthy relationship.

Post # 10
Member
2381 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

There are no guarantees.  There’s no magic number of how many fights a year is “ideal”.  And seriously, can you imagine life as a fake perfect “Oh snookums, I love you SO MUCH and I love it when you leave the wet towel on the bed!” couple?  Bleh!  You fight FAIR, which is hugely important. 

It’s good to be prepared to be on your own in a worst case scenario.  Every person should be.  But there’s a difference between passively knowing that you’re financially and emotionally ok by yourself versus actively anticipating that situation.

Everyone is afraid at some point.  I worry sometimes that I’ll get old and fat and he won’t love me anymore.  But I can’t let that consume my life.  You just have to move forward and keep on being the person he loves.

Post # 11
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@LadyBlackheart:  listen to @Glasgowbound:  she is making sense. 🙂

 

My first serious BF used to do some seriously emotionally abusive stuff, including (but not limited to) right after we had a fight or I did something he didn’t like he’d give me the silent treatment and eventually surprise me with ‘I still love you, really, it’s just that I love you less now.’

 

Took me years to get over that and happily, I am with someone who would NEVER do stuff like that to me. Oh and that guy is married to a bizarre, cranky, demanding woman now… Don’t assume your current BF will do what that first guy did – you’ll work yourself up over nothing. In fact you should talk to him about what happened to you and I am almost 100% he’ll tell you that the guy was a jerk.

Post # 12
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@LadyBlackheart:  I used to get scared too.  After a string of bad relationships in my 20s where the fights were unproductive, the men silent, and break-ups resulted, my brain got ingrained with this pattern in order to explain it away, if that makes sense. And patterns repeat themselves, right?  I carried this constant fear, like oh have to be careful with my fights because it might push the guy away. 

With my current SO, things are different.  I know that he wouldn’t suddenly leave me because of one fight.  Even when we’re fighting, I can tell that he still loves me.  I don’t have technical advice to give you, but I’m sharing my experience to show that sometimes you’ll just know and you have to trust in that.  It sounds like you know that your SO will stick by you but you don’t fully believe it yet.  So start believing!  And don’t bring it up that you’re afraid he’s going to leave you after every fight because it reinforces your SO’s frustration at your lack of confidence in him and the relationship.  I still get scared sometimes but keep it to myself and get over it.

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