- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2015
The last post I made regarding living together before marriage was 9 months ago. http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-feel-so-conflicted/#axzz3AgYHTR8L
But things are different now. He proposed back in June and I said yes, of course. We have already picked a venue and a date. April 2016.
As for our living situation, I currently live with my aunt. I moved in with her late January of this year. My lease had ended and my unemployment benefits ran out. So living with her became necessity. But now I have a job. And I can afford to get a place with my Fiance if I want to. However, I can’t afford to move into a place of my own. And I refuse to do the roommate thing again. I would rather live with my aunt then with a stranger. As for Fiance, he lives with his parents. But he’s getting ready to get an apartment with a friend of his next month.
When I wrote that last post, I was much more determined to “live in sin” with my Fiance. But I guess the idea of actually living together wasn’t that real to me then so I felt a sort of false confidence.
I still would love to live with my Fiance. Living with my aunt until we get married in April 2016 seems so….difficult. I am an introvert and a very private person and my aunt frequently has guests over. And since she only charges me $200 per month, I feel like I have no right to say anything. Plus the “guests” are her own daughter and granddaughters. People that I find rather annoying. But again, it’s her family, her house so of course, I keep my mouth shut.
But what keeps me from actually moving forward into getting a place with Fiance is fear of my family’s disappointment. Mainly my parents and grandparents. But my parents especially. I was kind of an awful teenager and disappointed my parents a lot when I was young. So I feel the pressure to be a good daughter. My family is also super conservative and strong southern Baptists. I would get a LOT of flack if I moved in with Fiance before we were married.
I just feel very unhappy. I’m unhappy with myself for not being a stronger person, not being strong enough to ignore my family’s reaction. I am about to turn 27 years old and the only thing stopping me from moving in with Fiance is my family’s disappointment. I know it’s ridiculous. And the thought of living with my aunt also makes me unhappy. For she is conservative as well. And since I have moved in with her, I have not been able to spend the night with Fiance one time. (Not counting when I went to Florida with Fiance and his family). And the thought of living with her until we get married just fills me with dread.
And I can’t keep bringing this up to Fiance. After all, I made the decision to live apart. He wasn’t thrillled but since he loves me, he agreed. But he also wants me to stop bringing the topic up. Last night he told me “You can’t keep waffling on this. Either we get a place together or I need you to drop the subject.” And he’s right.
I just wish things were different and that I was a stronger person. So go ahead, ridicule me in the comments, I probably deserve it.