Struggling with living apart

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
8047 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I dont think you should be so down on yourself – theres no shame in playing by your family’s rules and saving a TON of money for your future home- so own it.

Or “live in sin” and own that. But either way- he’s right. you need to make a decision and make the best of it. Sounds like there won’t be a “perfect” option till your wedding but that’s okay! You just need to be grateful for the upsides of whatever you choose and don’t dwell on the rest. 

Post # 3
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If your wedding was in 2015, I would tell you to suck it up and wait. But it’s much further away than that.

You need to look at this a slightly different way, are you prioritising your family’s expectations above the health of your relationship? Will your relationship suffer without being able to spend the night together for the next 20 months?! Will you really be able to spend enough quality time together? Will you be able to plan a wedding and do whatever DIY you want in this house with your aunt without her butting in? 

And even though you are saving money on rent, will your FI be less financially well off living with a friend? 

Plus, a or two years after you are married, will people care that you lived together beforehand? No, they most likely won’t even remember. 20 months of disappointment from family sounds like a small price to pay to ensure the health of your relationship. 

Post # 4
Member
6507 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t think it’s ridiculous to feel the way you do but your FI is right, you need to make a decision and then stand by it.

I ‘disappointed’ quite a few family members (and friends) when I moved in with my FI (now husband) and I had to put up with a few mean remarks but I kept my head up and wouldn’t change my decision for anything. I was not about to do the whole roommate thing and it would have stretched me financially to find a place on my own. I also knew if I had my own place that I wouldn’t even use it (I would always sleep over at FI’s).

I know it’s hard but decide based on what YOU want, not your family. Unless they are going to completely shut you out of their lives I would choose to live with your FI. I would rather deal with a little disappointment over putting up with your aunt’s guests (I’m an introvert as well so I kind of understand this) and not being able to sleep over at your FI’s.

Post # 5
Member
7219 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I do think you need to give up trying to please your parents on ways that require you to diminish your relationship. 

I know your parents will judge ( lots of southern baptists in my family), but they also love you. They will get over it. You are engaged. 

I would tell them that you respect and love them, but you have made a decision. Lay out the decision and enjoy your life. 

Also, if it helps, there really isn’t anyway to keep them from judging. That is their problem. You can resoect and honor them in appropriate ways to be a good daughter without giving up important time with your FI. 

Post # 7
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m in a similar boat. FI and I both live at home, with our parents, but that’s changing very soon. He wants me to live with him, and I think I want that too, but my family would hate it. I know my wedding is closer than yours,but we’ve been together 3 years and I want to start life with him now, not wait 250 days, which seems like forever.

Post # 8
Member
2131 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

LadyBlackheart:  If you don’t like living with your aunt now, it’s not going to get better. You shouldn’t make yourself unhappy for the next 20 months or so because it might upset your parents. You’re right – you’re an adult; you need to do what makes YOU happy. Your family will get over it.

Post # 9
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m almost 29, and would still hate to feel like I disappointed my parents, so no judgement.

I think you need to look at this from a different perspective. Your relationship with your parents is very important…but this man is going to be your husband. That is the most important relationship. So, to preserve that relationship (and I would argue that living together does that more than never living together before marriage), you might need to make your parents unhappy. It’s an unfortunate consequence, but your focus should be on your marriage.

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