- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2009
I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but the discussion thread about strippers and bachelor parties got way out of hand & for some reason-this has me pretty upset. I was reading the follow up thread today (interesting because I am mentioned by name in some follow up postings) and I was sitting here in tears. Seriously-tears in my eyes. I’m really struggling to figure out why I am so upset and after talking to FI about it, I’ve come to this conclusion.
For us, as a couple, it’s not about strippers, lap dances, etc.-it’s about the sancticty of our relationship & respect for each other. (I’m just thinking/talking/writing out loud here, so bear with me.) I meant what I said, that we both feel that cheating begins with the eyes-a strong opinion and I know that it is MINE/OURS. I certainly don’t expect other people to share it, honor it, or agree with it. I don’t want anyone thinking that I’m stodgy or a prude or anything like that-but in addition to understanding why people do the things they do, I think it’s also important to understand why people feel the way they do.
I know that I’ve said several times on various boards that both FI and I were in previous marriages where we were cheated on. I hope to God that none of you here every have to face the pain of infidelity. I know that some of you have-those of you who have willingly & openly shared it and others who keep it to themselves. Again, repeating this is just how my FI and I feel. When you are cheated on in a marital relationship-it rocks you to the core. Everything you believed in, trusted, thought to be true-I mean, you took VOWS with this person. When I found out that my ex had been cheating and the extent of the infidelity-it was terribly painful to realize that those intimate moments that I thought he and I shared-he was sharing with several other people. I know that my FI feels the same way. The reason I know, is not assumption, not because I have hen pecked him, not because he needs to feel the way I do to keep the peace-he feels this way on his own. He found out about his ex-wife’s infidelity in a very humiliating way and when he and I talk about it, he shares how scared, but how ready he is to take this step together.
The reason it is so hard? Because faith is a fragile thing! No matter how strong your love, no matter how much you believe in your fiance’, no matter how secure you feel-once infidelity has happened to you, it is very difficult to completely forget those feelings of hurt, abadonment, fear, and vulnerability. It is possible to meet a partner who completes you, who you trust, who you are ready to say “I give my heart to you”…but it is still a scary thing. We’ve both done this once before and gotten terribly hurt.
For us, as a couple, strip clubs and strippers and dancers and all that goes with it is more than harmless fun-it is a poignant reminder of those feelings. I have to know that what he and I have together is special and just for us. Some of you may feel that is an extreme statement-but all I’m asking is that you understand where we are both coming from. He says he doesn’t want to share, doesn’t want to see another woman’s naked body-out of respect for our relationship, out of a deep seated desire to keep intimacy, well, intimate. That is reserved only for each other-not only each other’s bodies, but each other’s eyes as well.
I think it upsets me how easily things get twisted around, well, maybe not twisted around, but blown out of proportion and misunderstood online. (I also think it’s alot easier to say inappropriate things on a message thread or on a posting when you are not looking at a person’s reactions, body language or emotional response.) Words are powerful things and once you put them out there in black and white-especially on the internet-especially in a public forum-they are forever.
I read all of the posts that everyone wrote-every one!
I have found Weddingbee to be a wonderful resource for me for “wedding stuff”. When my friends are all my age (to be 39 on Thursday), they are WAY past getting gaga over dresses, flowers, etc. Not that they aren’t happy for me, they are-totally happy for me. One of my best friends is throwing a rockin’ couples shower for us with a tailgate theme in a couple of weeks, FI is getting baptized at our church (I am/we are Methodist, he was never baptized as an infant and wanted to do so before we got married) when my friends are “done” hearing about wedding stuff (you know the look, the glaze that comes over their eyes, their determination to change the subject, etc.-I’m kidding, but kinda not!) when that time comes, I know that I can log on to weddingbee and read about everyone elses’s wedding stuff, share my own, and know that I am amoung kindred spirits. 🙂
So, if you’ve read this far and this long-I apologize for not being more succinct…I’m just posting these feelings. Some of you may think I’ve slightly lost it (with I do’s less than 6 weeks away, it’s entirely possible!!!!) or gone totally wackadoo-I assure you that I have not. I guess the upset feelings I had when reading the thread arose from maybe feeling not quite understood, that maybe an element of explanation was needed.
My apologies if anyone is offended by this. Just sharing my thoughts and feelings…because that is what we are all here for.