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I don't know. If it's such a big deal to you, he should probably be willing to compromise and not see her. On the other hand, he's marrying you, not her, so i would tend to say just relax and let him hang out with his friend. If there are some deeper trust issues there (which it sounds like there might be), I would talk to him about that before the wedding.
Livvie,
Believe me, I would love to just let it be. I've got my other bridesmaids and my Mom (because of course I went to them for advice, too) saying, "Nuh-Uh," and I really do just want to be ok with the situation and enjoy my wedding day.
I think it really gets to me because of course, she's gorgeous, intelligent, and creative, and I sometimes start feeling-self conscious around her, when he's ensured me that he's marrying me, because he loves me.
I think I'm leaning towards just leaving it how it is, and trying to deal with my own self-consciousness.
Thanks for the quick response!
I agree with Livvie, and I will say that when was dealing with jealousy over a guy's ex that I had to keep hanging out with - he had a REALLY hard time "getting" my feelings, since he didn't feel jealousy the same way. In his head, it's all old history, I'm now really his. It took a lot of explaining - and fighting. And it's not trust issues, it's that I have jealousy issues, and yes that's my problem that I'm working on, but something he needs to respect b/c when it comes down to it - soemthing that causes me pain is to be avoided.
That said, I'd agree with the Bachelor party in general, but I think it's fine to have her with his group on the day of - I mean, she is on his side of things. Not that I'd think the "guys" would want her there?
Finally, I think the fact that he wants the 3 of you to hang out very telling - that you can rest assured overall.
Which side will she be standing on? If she's standing on your side, then why don't you ask her to get herself dressed and made up in the bridal chamber and then afterwards tell her she is welcome in either your room or the groom's? This way she will feel more included in the "girl time" and you'll get to know eachother better/do some bonding, and she will also get to spend some quality time with her good friend the groom. Everybody wins.
If she's standing on his side, I would offer the bridal chamber to her as an option for getting ready, but otherwise let her hang out with the groom.
It sounds like you are worrying that there may be some vestigial feelings between these two, but at this juncture you're just going to have to trust them both or go crazy, right? Good call on moving the bachelor party so she wouldn't be going (after all, you don't want to play with fire...I mean alcohol...). But I dont' think you have anything to worry about in the middle of the day while you're getting ready for the wedding. Good luck!
Artichoke,
Yeah, that makes sense.
As far as having her in his room the day of, it's more about me (and the other girls) wanting her to feel accepted, and I feel like she's turning down an offer, or something? It's a small thing, when really, it's just a couple of hours.
After he suggested the 3 of us hanging out the night she comes into town, that made me feel much better. I want her to feel accepted all around, and I just felt weird having her stay at our house for 3 nights and and not getting to spend much time getting to know her better (Did I mention that to cut costs, she's staying with us up to and the night of our wedding? heh :)
thanks for the advice!
I think Chelsea had the perfect combo-advice for day of - offer, let her know you want her to get to hang with the girls too, and let her decide, and hopefully do a little of both
I'm sure you'll get lots of different opinions on this, but if it were me, I'd let it go. Enjoy the final days leading up to your wedding and let him spend some time with his friends (male or female) whenever he wants. A few things to keep in mind:
1. It sounds like they are old friends and even though he may have once had a "thing" for her, he's obviously moved on from that. He's marrying you, isn't he? :)
2. Brides are always talking about the importance of having their closest/best friends share in their wedding day with them. Don't forget that guys can have this same exact feeling. Remember, it's their wedding day too and every bit a milestone in their life as it is for you.
3. Do you really want someone you've only met once in the bridal chamber with you? That seems like a really personal time for a bride and her bridal party and mom.
Oh, and as far as your bridesmaids and your mom are concerned. They will take your lead. If you embrace his friendship and are thankful that she is there to support her friend for such an important event in his life, they will too.
Chelsea,
Good call. That's a great idea, and I'll be sure to mention it to her and to the groom. She's standing on my side, at the request of my Mom, because she (and I admit, I would, too) like to have the ceremony be a little more traditional. As for the reception, it'll then be time to party down. :)
Thanks!
ynichole,
Also great points. It's reassuring hearing what you said about my bridesmaids and my Mom. And you're right - they'll follow suit.
Thanks!
Glad to be of service :) The more you talk about what arrangements your groom is making to hang out the three of you, the more convinced I become that you will all have a great time and that their friendship is absolutely nothing to worry about.
And ynichole is right---your mom and other bridesmaids will take your lead. So even if they initially balk at the idea of her going to the groom's room at all, treat it as a non-issue. Heck, treat it as a fun issue---she's going to spy behind enemy lines! :-)
Ok, wait, she's staying with you the NIGHT of your wedding? THAT's not cool. Even taking it out of context about who this person is, she, or anyone, should not stay with you the night of your wedding. She can suck it up and bunk with someone else. I'd put my foot down on that. Does that mean you have to get up the next morning to make sure she has breakfast? Or to make sure that she doesn't feel left out? I'm sorry, that just struck me the wrong way. Forgive me if indeed this isn't the situation.
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I stayed with a Bride and Groom in their home the night before their wedding, and was in the bride's wedding party. I think it just depends on what the B&G are comfy with.
jma,
She's staying at the house that Thursday, Friday, and I'm not sure about Saturday, since the groom and I aren't staying at the house Saturday night.
I'm not staying there Friday night (I'll be with my MOH), so I'm hoping the other groomsmen will stick around and sleep there, or at least one of them will. Otherwise, it'll be just the two of them in the house (jsut a little eek).
Thursday night I will be there, and we'll get up and go to the bridesmaids' luncheon that day.
I wouldn't be ok with her staying the night of the wedding. The night before wouldn't be a huge deal (maybe because we are staying the night apart) but the night of... I don't think so! I know that the night of our wedding there will be quite a bit of romance... 
I have already informed the four bridesmaids that will be staying with us the week before that they will need other accomodations the night of the wedding since we will be doing what we want, where we want and how loudly we want! hehe!
Oh, and if you are uncomfortable with them staying alone together the night before you should definately speak up and put your foot down. You don't want to be up all night the night before your wedding wondering if something is happening and you don't want to be thinking all day that something happened. If you aren't 100% comfortable and you think you will be really bothered you should make sure you discuss it seriously with your FI without being accusatory so that your wedding day and the beginning of your marriage isn't shaky. Make it clear that while you trust and love him you are just not comfortable and want to start off on the right foot.
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Ok, this might just be me, but if you can't trust him the night before your wedding, why are you marrying him? Seriously. What do you think is going to happen?
Bottom line, do you trust your FI? Because if not, you shouldn't be marrying him. If you do trust him, then it shouldn't matter. I work with mostly men, and most of my good friends are men - and in my job, we do a lot of travel. I've flown all over the world with very good male friends, and of course you're mostly working during the day - so in the evening and on weekends you're out having fun. I've also shared condos with male friends and coworkers, both on business trips and on vacations. And I can tell you that there are basically two kinds of men out there - the ones that can be had, and the ones that can't. If your FI loves you and believes that stepping out on you is wrong, you've got nothing to worry about. If he's the kind of guy who would cheat on you the night before the wedding, he's actually going to cheat on you sooner or later anyway.
I'm not sure what you're saying about hotel rooms. Are you guys having a couple of big slumber parties the night before? All the guys actually sleeping in the same room, and the girls the same? Probably you should consider getting a couple of extra rooms, maybe having 2 or 3 BMs share a room to sleep, and same for the guys. That way your FI's friend can hang out with him and the guys for the evening, and go to another room to sleep, without it looking like you're singling her (and your FI) out due to some lack of trust. I understand that money is tight, but it seems like in the interest of your peace of mind, and general harmony, you could put a couple of extra rooms on the credit card or something.
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I hit submit too soon. But, the way I see it, if he's trying to make you happy and change all his plans just to keep you happy, then you need to let him go about his business! He loves you! Relax and tell your mom and friends to hush!
i think in this situation, it's not about your lack of trust for him. hopefully you trust the person you are marrying! i think the uneasiness comes from the fact that you barely know her, you don't really know how she feels about him and the whole wedding situation. i think when you explain your concerns, you should tell your FI that you completely trust him but given that you really don't know her at all, you cannot be expected to have that same unwavering trust in her.
furthermore, it is very weird if the two of them end up spending the night of the wedding together alone in the same house. this isn't about trust, this is about propriety and crossing boundaries as to what is or is not okay. while you need to trust him, he needs to respect you as his future wife and understand that if some things make you uncomfortable, then he needs to rethink his actions. i would be livid if my FI was spending the night before the wedding at our house with a girl he used to be interested in! i trust him and love him with all my heart but i certainly don't feel that way about any of the girls he used to be interested in. who knows what they would try to talk him into or out of?! eesh.
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@Suzanno,
We're lucky enough to have a pretty big house, so there's enough rooms for the other groomsmen (or at least one or two) to stay at the house with them that Friday night. She'll have her own room, and they'll probably sleep on the couches downstairs.
And yes, I trust him with my life. :)
@Kate,
Thanks for re-iterating what others have already said. I knew I could get some answers out of the other bees!
Thanks for the responses, ya'll!
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Emileee,
You took the words (or thoughts, rather) right out of my head! I guess that's precisely what I was trying to say, and couldn't quite get it earlier.
I absolutely trust him. I'm crazy about him. But the only thing I have to go on is what he tells me about her. Her thoughts, her feelings, whatever. And that's only what she chooses to tell him. Especially when she comes to him all the time with boy troubles.. Who knows if she's thinking, "man, I really messed this up, he's a really great guy..."
I was talking to one of my other bridesmaids and she said exactly what you wrote - it's not necessarily about trust, it's more of a respect issue, and that if I'm uncomfortable with something, he needs to respect that, and we need to figure out how to solve it.
He's already shown that he's willing to try by switching the bachelor party date and letting me have some quality time getting to know her that night. I'm hoping I can convince the other groomsmen to stick around that Friday to ease my nervousness a bit.
I don't know-- the situation as you have explained it would make me feel uncomfortable, with her spending the night (possibly alone) in the same house with you not there. But I have dealt with a supposed "friend" of my FI who was really out to sabotage our relationship, and maybe that's clouding my judgment. (Turns out my FI was totally clueless, and the "friend" showed her a$$ to the point where he dropped her like a hot potato.)
The fact that you don't know this girl from Adam is worrying enough on its own. They're that close and you've only met her once? He has admitted to having serious feelings for her, over a period of years? She's always confiding in him for her "guy problems?" That sends up a lot of red flags to me.
It does sound like you are confident and trust your FI though, which makes all the difference.
just one more comment? Something that's come up in a couple of these "sticky situation" type posts recently: It seems like it's easy to let your close friends' & mom's opinions in these sorts of things kinda direct how you feel.
You mentioned in an earlier reply that they "were like 'nuh-uh!' " over this situation and it sounded like that kinda upped your anxiety over it... I'm going a little out on a limb here, but I think sometimes a bride's family/friends (well-meaning though they are) add to the drama of some of these wedding-themed conflicts... Maybe just because they kinda expect drama with weddings? I don't really know why, but I've seen this kinda thing among some of my family members too...
I think it's important to share & receive advice from your close friends & family on this issue--but ultimately, even if they think it's a bad idea, you have to judge for yourself.... And like was said earlier, they'll likely follow your lead, once you choose your way
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I haven't read all the messages, but I'm just wondering if your fiance wants to have her in the room b/c it would keep him calm or relaxed. Men generally aren't good are relating why they want something a certain way.
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Ok girls. I need some serious advice on this one.
Part One -My groom's good (female) friend is in our wedding. At first, we fought about this because in the past, he was (really) interested in her. She's a few states away and I've only met her once. She was nice, but still makes me nervous, because he was interested in her for so long, and they have such a close friendship. I finally let up and agreed to have her in the wedding as his request.
Part Two - I understand she's strapped for cash (so making more than one trip to visit isn't an option), and I'm not expecting her to pay anything exorbitant as far as wedding costs, but here's the thing - she's flying in the Thursday before (wedding is on Saturday) to immediately attend groom's bachelor party, which he has scheduled two days before solely so she can attend. I've told him that this idea makes me really uncomfortable, because of the timing and because I assume they'll probably go do manly things (ie strip clubs and the like) and I really just don't feel comfortable with her being there.
Part Three- We've argued about this quite a bit, and in a huff, he agreed to have the bachelor party a week before ("I guess I'll just have to tell her she can't come...") in exchange for the three of us going out together that Thursday she flies in, and, he wants her in HIS room the day of, getting ready with the guys.
Am I crazy for wanting her to stay in the bridal chamber with me and the other girls on my wedding day? Should I just let this go? It's quickly becoming a pretty sticky topic for my groom and I, and I just want it worked out.
Thanks so much!