Post # 1
Ok Bees, I havent been on here in a while due to life changes and just plain drama.
My FI and I have been together for 3.6 years and i think its pretty much over between us. For some back story we were in a LDR for the first year of our relationship and we were fairly young and mistakes were made. He finally moved to where I was to save the relationship and to move in together. When he first moved we were living in my parents house and it just wasnt working out so last year we decided to move out on our own and it was the best yesr of my life.
In our apartment things were great and I could see myself living with this man for the rest of my life. I cooked he cleaned and we were just a perfect fit, so he proposed. We thought that it would be hard to save up money for a wedding, honeymoon, and a house paying rent so I convinced him that we should move back to my parent’s house and thats when the problems started.
We started to argue alot because is so angry all the time and i know its because he hates living there. I have told him more than once that we could move out but he didnt want to because he wanted to save money. The problem is that he was soo unhappy there that he started to get depressed and didnt want to be home. He would stay later at work or do things so he woulnd have to be in the house. From there it got worst and worst because we would fight because he was never home.
I thave tried to tell him that we dont need a huge wedding and all the finishings but he wants everyone to be there and to be able to celebrate and there is not going to the court house for him.
So he finally hit his breaking point and told me that he doesnt feel the same about me and that it wasnt anything that I did, but that he just cant help how he feels. He tells me that he still loves me and that there isnt anyone else for him but that he is going to move out on his own. He told me that he doesnt want to look for anyone else because he knows that he wont find anyone else to make him happy like I did but that he doesnt know if we can get it back to where we used to be.
So now I’m stuck in limbo because i love this man but I’m also so disappointed in him because I feel like when things get hard he just bails on me. We still have month till he moves out but its hard to mourn the loss of this love when he is sleeping with me at night and holding me while I cry.
Should I fight when he isnt willing to, or should i just let this run its course??
Post # 3
This might be a dumb question, but why don’t you move out with him? Clearly living with your parents is not working out with you two.
Post # 4
@deetroitwhat: Not dumb at all. I have talked to him about that but he wants to moe out on his own.
Post # 5
I say let him go. Personally, I get why he would have a tough time living with your parents, but he knew it was short term and for a specific reason – to save for the wedding. If he truly loved you and wanted to marry you, he would be able to suck it up until the wedding. Also, if he truly loved and wanted to marry you he would say okay lets both move out then and just go to the courthouse/have a smaller wedding.
If he wanted it to work he’d make 1 of those 2 choices.
Edit – I would also make him move out immediately. Too bad if he doesn’t have a place yet, he needs to go stay with a friend or at the very least not in your parents house – what kind of D bag does that?!
Post # 6
@MrsWBS: That’s what hurts so much. I feel like he isnt all for this relationship like I am. I feel like he is just giving up on me after everything that we have been through. I really dont want him in the house right now because its hard to see him every day wanting him and knowing that he doesnt want me anymore. But I cant just kick him out because he really doesnt have any where else to go. I know im being stupid and pathetic, but i feel like i owe him after all the time we spent together because he is mu bestfriend.
edit: Thanks for the reply, honestly it gives me a little strenght
Post # 7
you’re a better person than I, my initial reaction to you is you don’t owe him anything! (which I strongly believe!)
I know it hurts when you feel you’ve given more than you’ve gotten in a relationship but you will get through this – I promise!
I think he’s feeding you a bunch of bull shit though, his whole I won’t find anyone better than you and is completely f-ing with your head. THat’s why I say you guys should cut all contact as soon as possible – it’s not a healthy situation!
I’m surprised your parents haven’t kicked him out – my mother would never let him stay in her house after all that!
What about moving out together but getting married a few years out to allow plenty of time to save money? I don’t think he’s going to change his mind beacuse I think he doesn’t want to get married at this point. But, that’s the one last option I see you can feed to him and see if he accepts or not.
Big hus, xoxo. I promise he isn’t the only guy or the best guy out there – you’ll find someone else who will put him to shame!
Post # 8
I am so sorry you’re hurting like this. I have to agree with everyone – he’s giving you a load of crap by saying he wants to move out on his own, without you. Because the reason he’s telling you he isn’t going to look for anyone else is only because he doesn’t want YOU to look for someone else, not that he won’t be. You deserve better! This is not the way a man in love and who wants to marry you behaves.
I also agree that if this is how he feels he should go ahead and move out immediately.
Post # 9
@MrsWBS: You hit the nail right on the head. I do feel like I have given more to this relationship then i have gotten and I think that, that is the part thst hurts the most. I feel like this is coming out of nowhere.
I honestly dont think that I want to move out with him because I really dont want to be with someone who isnt sure that he wants to be with me. I want some one who is going to be with me through thick and thin and some one who is going to love without a doubt.
Post # 10
@Sunfire: I agree, I think that he wants to be single again for a while and if he doesnt like it to be able to come back to me because he knows he has it good with me. But im not into that and if he leaves, then i will move on because i know that I can love immensely and there will be some one for me.
The thing is, he was never a bad guy. He is very sweet and loving. I know that he will always be there for me and do anything for me but that is what a friend does and right now I dont need him as a friend.
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
The problem seems to stem from living with your parents (something I know my husband and I wouldn’t survive!!!) Why don’t you two take a step back in your relationship; once he moves out, ask him if he’s like to keep seeing you, and ask if he’s willing to work together to try and make things work. My guess is things will get better.
Then, if they do, you can move forward with the wedding plans, etc.
Post # 12
@juliette.eliza: This is what I try to tell myself everyday because I really didnt want to loose him, but I also have to prepare myself for the worst because I can feel my feelings starting to shift, and that scares me.
Post # 13
His actions sound shady. I know you’re in a tough spot and you love him, but he gave up far to easily and you need a real man who can live through the tribulations of life, especially if it’s something you both agreed to do initially.
Post # 14
is your wedding date accurate? because if so, i can definitely see there being an issue with living with your parents until then, that is a significant amount of time.
i would tell him that you love him, you want to be with him and that you hope you can get over this tough time together. I would say to him; ‘you should move out and find more independence, and why don’t we see each other x times a week and see if that is workable for us?’ maybe there could be compromises; you could have a key/stay over once a week?
i would however, add, that you should have an end date to this arrangement. ie: ‘you move out, we’ll see each other x times per week, and revisit this discussion in 3 months to evaluate if we want the wedding to stay on/if we want to move in together/ if we want to break up.’ that way he knows that there is a period of time for both of you to try, and that you’re not willing to be strung along forever.
you might find that for whatever reason, the current living arrangement is too much anxiety etc for him and that some time living alone is what he needs to refocus on what he has and wants. i hope that it works out for you, but i would really reccommend having a plan to keep you sane, and to keep you both on the same page in a messy time.
Post # 15
@peonyinlove: My date isnt accurate I just put it there because I hope that I Will be married by that time.
We are trying to work on this and I finally put myself in his shoes and realized that he basically wakes up aggrvated and goes to bed aggravated, and I am just adding to it when I get upset over nothing really.
I am taking this time to work on me. I can see that he is trying and the more we talk about our feeligs, the closer we feel to each other and it is going to take time, but I think we can work through this.
Thanks for letting me vent and giving me some great perspective and advice. I really appreciate it because i really dont have any one to talk to about these things. Thank You
Post # 16
@lilipad55: Just wanted to say that you seem like a strong, sensible person, and I hope he doesn’t just let you go! Good luck.