(Closed) Stunned by his family. What would you do?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 9 years ago

Forget the money! You can’t depend on people who won’t even spend TIME to dine with you. It’s very obvious that the offer was the usual…"can I help?" when what they really mean is…I’m offering to look good but dont ask me for anything.

Communication might also be an issue…all I read is email, email, email, facebook. Family relations need a gentle touch…grab the PHONE! How do you know tones and moods from an email??

Lastly, your wedding might be a big issue to you but it isn’t for everybody else. You can’t force people to care. 

Post # 4
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Wow. I’m sorry for all of this.

I wouldn’t count on any money from the side of the family. Because he lost his job, he might be offended if you ask. You might need to scale back the wedding and invite less people, but I don’t think you should expect anything from them.

It really seems like he was offended by you guys asking if he want to contribute. Why he would be offended after offering to help, I am not sure.

You and your FI need to decide if it is worth inviting them. I think his father, regardless of their relationship, would want to see his son get married.

Good luck 🙂

Post # 5
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Your FI needs to talk to his father.  In person and as soon as possible.  This one is not going to blow over or it would have months ago.  Things are going to probably continue to get worse if he doesn’t go talk to them.  They are obviously upset about something ($$$ wise I’m sure), and they probably feel like you should know what it is, and that you should have talked to them about it already.  At least that’s the impression I get from what you wrote.  They are acting in a way that insinuates that they have been offended by you guys.

I am by no ways insinuating that you did something wrong, and hopefully it will be cleared up easily.  It may all just be some kind of simple misunderstanding, but it’s gone on so long at this point that it is tearing his family apart.  

As far as expecting the money.  I wouldn’t.  You might luck out after FI talks to is dad but if he was sensitive about the money from the beginning and now has lost his job.. probably not going to happen.  Hopefully this doesn’t devistate your wedding planning.

Curious… how does his stepmother act when you speak to her?  It seems odd that he keep sticking her in the middle of everything. Have you asked her what is going on?

Post # 6
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

omg i’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I agree with V though – if they won’t even dine with you, forget the money!

Post # 8
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

So sorry you have to go through this.  Always have a backup plan, in case the $$$ falls through.  I would continue to contact them and keep them updated.  Definitely invite them to the wedding!  If they don’t come, it’s through no fault of your own.

I think perhaps what happened was your FFIL offered to help, but was expecting a smaller request.  If you asked for more help than he could give maybe he thought you were asking for too much or maybe his pride was hurt that he couldn’t do it.  But I’d bet that all of this stems from him thinking you were either 1) going to politely decline or 2) ask for something very small like the limo cost or something.

People get wierd about money.  Nothing you can do about that!  Perhaps scale back your request of them, see if that helps smooth it out.  Something like: "We realize that you have no income, so we didn’t want to burden you with wedding expenses."  Then suggest they contribute something much smaller (and more doable).

Post # 9
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I know your upset and want to help, but this is more of an issue between your FI & his father. You stated their relationship has been " just okay" and unfortunately, the wedding doesn’t seem to be bringing them any closer. Have your FI talk to his dad and try to leave yourself out of the situation, just as long as your FI sees your support it isn’t necessary to drag you into the middle of his family drama.

I agree with others about the money, don’t ask again, it seems like your FIL is just using this as a reason or a platform to act like a jerk, its like an excuse for him. Also, sometimes the grooms family thinks that they shouldn’t have to pay for the wedding. Like in my situation my FIs family offered to give us our wedding gift early so we could put the $ toward the wedding, but they arn’t happy about it b/c they think my family should pay for the wedding. So although he offered he might of thought that you wouldn’t accept and he would look like a nice guy.  

Good luck and I hope your FI can work everything out with his family!

Post # 10
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Sorry about this happening to you both, but do not count on FFIL for any $$ support muchless his even being there.

Quite possibly he had some sort of idea of his impending job doom a few months back when he blew up at the mention of financial contribution?  Just a thought.

Sometimes family celebrations or mournings can bring out the worst in people and I haven’t a clue why except for requiring their involvement and possibly financial giving.  Plus some people just honestly like to rain on the happiness of others’ parades ya know?

Just let this one fly.  Let him go and do as he will.  If he wishes to be a part of the rest of the family and the wedding, let FFIL contact his son and make the effort. You two are not needing any extra added stressors. 

Post # 11
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I agree with MightySapphire, it sounds like his offer of help had good intentions, but when you sent the wedding budget he got overwhealmed.  And though it sounds like he lost his job recently, he very well could have known up to a year in advance that the job loss was coming, he just might not have known when. 

It does not matter that they are an email family, your FH needs to call his dad or go see his dad.  He needs to be the one to go out of his way to not only find out what is wrong, but to also let his dad know that you can do the wedding without their monetary help, you just want them to be involved in some way because you love them.  Many times during wedding planning (though it is hardly ever true) family begins to think that the only reason why you want to see or talk to them is for the money they are giving towards the wedding.  Your FH needs to make sure that his dad knows his involvement has nothing to do with money. This may take some work, as it seems like your ffil is already having difficult times.

 Good luck, and keep us posted!

Post # 12
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

So sorry.  Yep, don’t ask for that money again.  I would say invite his family, but don’t hold your breath for too much.  If they show up, great.  If they change their attitude, great.  But don’t expect too much.

Since your family is wonderful, try to get your FI to become more involved with your family.  At least he has them.  You’ll be married and he’ll be part of our family.  Concentrate on that.

Post # 13
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with many of the individuals above… I, too, want to offer sympathies and say that I hope things work out and that you’re able to focus on your wonderful upcoming wedding!

The topic ‘Stunned by his family. What would you do?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors