- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
So I apologize for this being dumb, but after feeling okay for the better part of the last week or so, all I want to do is cry this morning. And it’s just over a light-hearted Facebook joke.
My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have several friends getting married in 2011. I’ve been having a lot of “waiting meltdowns” since the start of Fall, because each engagement makes me wonder why, when we’re the lonest-duration couple of ALL the people we know, save my BF’s older sister and his parents, why I’m just not good enough. Because while he can say it’s not so much me, it’s him and his issues, and while the left part of my brain is totally accepting of that, the rest of me just feels like crap. So I’ve been on a bit of a hair trigger, but have been able to be positive with the soon-to-be-marrieds when we all get together and not have that horrible awkward feeling around them (well, except for BF’s little brother’s Fiance – I feel like I don’t belong around his family anymore, like she’s more important now since she’s not just a Girlfriend – she hasn’t done anything other than say, “yes,” and it’s not like she’s ever been mean to me, but I just feel off now around her – I don’t have any family of my own, and feeling like this at Christmas sucks)
Anyway, one close engaged couple was posting engagement pics on FB, and talking about how a friend took better pics than their professionl photographer. My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I are both graphic designers, and for over 10 years, we have fiddled with photos of friends and family, like putting them into movie posters, or places they’ve never been, just to be silly. I’m actually trying to stick this set of friends into a Gone with the Wind poster, or seomthing else kinda over-the-top. My Boyfriend or Best Friend did a couple of funny edits putting silly things and people in the background and posted them to his own page, and only invited certain people, including the couple to see them (unfortunately, these pics are excellent raw material for such things). The soon-to-be-bride who is marrying our long-term friend thinks they are funny, but she also made a comment to get my Boyfriend or Best Friend to leave them alone for a bit by posting “why don’t you take your own engagement pics and edit those”. He made a quick quip about how he’d lay off the manipulations and how the fictional people would never grace his own photos, as he wasn’t cool enough. Nothting bad. Nothing mean. Things are all okay. Before any of this was even bothering me, he bought me flowers last night.
It was just another reminder to me that I don’t HAVE engagement pics because we’re not engaged, and I just want to accept we may NEVER be, and just get over these feelings already. For some reason it just hurt more than usual this morning.
Geez, too dang sensitive today.