Stupid fights Pre-engagement

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@LilacandRoses:  arguments happen at any stage in the relationship. I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s about how you deal with disagreements and solve the problem that comes from it.

Post # 4
Member
897 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@LilacandRoses:  Don’t be discouraged! There’s a lot of pressure on a relationship when engagement is near (ironic but true) plus there’s added pressure with Long distance.  I also went through a long distance relationship (4 years) and we hardly ever argued but when our engagement was near I was more on edge/anxious about it, etc. and so was he.

Try not to worry about it.  The best thing I did was actually try and busy myself with other things and other friends.  Also I would remind myself that he loves me no matter what and that his intentions are good.

Try to think about the fact that he loves you and underneath it all, his heart is good.  You’ll make it through. Let life happen in its own time.

Oh and if it encourages you, after 4 years of long-distance, lots of arguments pre-engagement, I am now happily married with my husband! The arguments were nothing really and in the end we are so happy.

Post # 7
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yes, they do happen, and, in my case at least, they also happen pre-wedding. I love my DH to pieces, but holy hell, he aggravated me a lot during the wedding planning, and when I knew he was planning on proposing. Plus, my DH consistently says the wrong thing… reliably. These situations that are supposed to be “magical” are super stressful!

It really matters how you handle it. You want to solve the issues that you argue about so that it gets better in the future, and not worse! It’s an adjustment learning how to argue so that it doesn’t become an ugly fight.

Post # 8
Member
897 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@LilacandRoses:  mmm yeah, I understand. It’s definitely tough. Do you have arguments often? Or is it more just lately?  I would just give him time to cool off. Harsh things can be said when emotionally uptight.  I bet he really is committed and he’s just saying things he doesn’t mean.  To be honest, when we had issues I was the one who put pressure on the fact that it might not work out/I would leave him.  I’m not proud of it and I regret making him feel like I wasn’t committed; when in actuality I was completely committed.  It would just be something I would say to make him feel bad I guess.  I’m sure they were stupid arguments too.  Siiiigh. The things we say when we are upset…

I don’t know if you are a Christian but these books are great for anyone really. I would suggest reading together : Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs and the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  They are both great books.

Post # 10
Member
6274 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@LilacandRoses:   I’ve never had a screaming match with my FI.

We’ve had disagreements and we’ve talked them out until we come to a compromise.

We’ve been together, 2 1/2 years and have been living together for 8 months.

I once mentioned to a friend that we never had a fight and I was waiting for the big blow out fight to happen.  She was shocked we never had a fight.  She said her and her bf of 3 years have fights enough of the time.  Over little stuff, over big stuff.  Sometimes all in fun. 

I think it is normal to fight, I thought it was not normal not to fight.

I grew up in a household of a lot of yelling, so it looks like my new family won’t be that way.

I’m not saying I don’t get frustrated and annoyed with FI, I certainly do, as I’m sure he does with me.

 

But we deal with it.

 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@LilacandRoses:  I don’t think he necessarily had doubts, as in, not wanting to get married/engaged, but his go-to response was always “I don’t know”, which is so frustrating to hear when you want to discuss or resolve an argument.

I’m not sure exactly how frequently we fought… It was maybe twice a week at some points during wedding planning, but that doesn’t mean we fight constantly. Now we rarely do. A lot of it also stemmed from him shutting down instead of discussing anything (the “I don’t know”). We also determined that his idea of a “fight” wasn’t the same as mine. He immediately thought that any disagreement=fight so he would shut down immediately, which would, in turn, make me upset… Which then led to the fight.

It sucks when you fight, but it’s normal, and with a lot of talking you can decrease the amount/severity.

Post # 15
Member
6274 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@LilacandRoses:  Comminication is the key to any relationship.  You need to be able to openly discuss the good and the bad.

Living together has been wonderful.  Previous to FI moving in, we only saw each other on weekends and 1 or 2 days during the week depending on our schedules.

Though when he moved in, ground rules needed to be set immediately.  He had come from living with guy roommates and then living on his own so his cleaning skills weren’t quite up to par.  We talked about chores and taking care of household things and found a plan that worked for us. 

It makes me smile when I drop something on the kitchen floor and he says, “Hey, I just cleaned that.”  Then I know he is taking pride in our house.

Good luck with everything. I hope you are able to live together soon.

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