(Closed) Suddenly dreading the thought of a proposal

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Why not just leave to Kenya for 6 weeks and he will be there to welcome you back home. The area we are in is very difficult for me to find work so I may go back home (14 hour drive away) for the 4 months while FI works 80 hours a week. Being married doesnt meen you have to be glued at the hip and people move around with their SO on a regular bases so if hes supportive and your willing to work at this and not sabotage yourself youll make it work.

Post # 4
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I say do the things you want to do. If you want to travel here and there for short stints, it isn’t going to hurt anything, it is only going to enrich your life. By doing these things, it isn’t leaving him behind, it is letting you be your own person. As much as a relationship is about sharing & growing together, you need to be able to have your own experiences to share not just shared experiences to share (if that makes any sense).

Post # 5
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t understand how he is holding you back from reaching your goals. I also don’t understand this statement “I’m never achieving my goals because I can’t just take off to Kenya for 6 weeks, or Brazil for 3 months, or work in a refugee camp for a month.”

Is it your life goal to to work in a refugee camp or volunteer with children? Or does it just sound exciting because your friend recently did it? If it really has beena life goal or is relevant for your career, why not discuss it with your BF? 1-3 months is not a long time in relation to a lifetime together so I’m not sure why he would have anything negative to say if this is part of your life goal. If he does, than maybe he is a negtive force in your life.

Post # 6
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I seem to have terrible luck with WB when I write long comments.  They never seem to want to go through.  Let’s try this again…

I’m in a similar position.  My SO is going to make nearly twice as much as me out of college, so it makes sense for me to follow him after we graduate.  Unfortunately, I’m graduating a semester earlier than him, and will interview for jobs/internships before he receives all his offers.  I’m stuck here (figuratively and literally).  If I move away for a job we’ll have to deal with at least five more months of a LDR, which would be miserable.  Then I would have to move again to wherever he is (which is something we’ll both discuss/decide).  Or I can take an internship nearby after I graduate and go to grad school, which makes sense for one of my degrees, but I’m not sure if I want to continue on that career path any longer (that’s another long story). 

Would it be easier if I didn’t have SO to worry about?  Hell yes.  Have I felt resentful in the past for holding me back?  Yes, and we’ve talked about it.  He says he’ll support me in whatever I do and wherever I go, but we both know he wants me to come with him right away so.  It’s a tough place to be in.

I’m glad you’re planning to talk to your SO about this.  I would recommend doing it sooner rather than later so you don’t feel resentful like I did.  I know we’re not in the exact same situation, but I hope my anecdote has helped just a little bit.

Post # 7
Member
1050 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think that you should be able to accomplish your goals and have a wonderful relationship with the man you love. But he needs to know that these are your goals and he has to be supportive of them. So talk with him and allow him to communicate his feelings and if that changes his goals at all. You never know, he might want to do some of those things with you. 

Don’t let fear of the unknown hold you back from doing the things you want to do! 

Post # 8
Member
9147 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I agree with OP, go to Kenya or do one of the other things you want to do.  Yes, you need to have a conversation about your relationship with T-Rex but he should be supportive of your goals and dreams.  Don’t miss out on something amazing because you’re too busy sititng around waiting for a proposal.  Maybe once you’ve booked the tickets for the trip and arranged to go to Kenya for 6 weeks he’ll have an epiphany and propose before you leave or miss you so much that he proposes when you return home.

Post # 9
Member
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

The right man will stay by your side when you leave to follow your dreams, and welcome you home with open arms. 

So go. 

Post # 10
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Would he be willing to work towards these goals with you?

Post # 11
Member
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Don’t move to Charleston.  IMO Charleston is no fun.  I was stuck there for 5 weeks and couldn’t wait to get out, FI lived there for 3 years and had had enough.  FI and I moved to Denver and we don’t ever want to leave.  

Anyway sometimes I feel like this about FI too but guess what.  The other day I said hey you know I want to apply for that job in Antartica but I’d be gone for 3 months what do you think about that.  You know what he said?  Go for it we’ll have a party and lots of money when you get back.  Talk to your future FI, if hes as supportive as you say this shouldn’t be a problem at all. He won’t want to hold you back from your dreams.  And would expect the same in return.

 

Post # 12
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think you should do the things you want to do NOW, before kids and the complications/commitments of adult life weigh you down further. If he’s the right one for you, he’ll know that these are experiences that are very important to you, and he’ll be waiting at the airport with a huge smile when you get back 🙂

Post # 13
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

@Miss T-Rex: You should have no regrets when getting married, so you are on the right track with that. You should be able to live your life and have fun but with your SO being supportive as well. Just because you are in a relationship, doesn’t mean you can’t do the things you want to! My close friend has been married for 2 years and she is headed to India next february for 2 months to work in some camps there. Another friend was gone for 4 months to Cuba for a study program, while yet another friend’s now husband would be gone for 3 months at a time with work. They all were dating their SO’s at that time and they made it work. So it CAN work 🙂 I know you said that you don’t think he minds, just wanted to give you a few examples.

I would chat with him about possible places to move. You can have options, you don’t have to make a decision right now.

Me thinks you need to go on a girls trip hun to have some fun and let loose without the SO. Might be good to get away for a bit to clear your head. Sometimes it feels like there is all this pressure and decisions and lack of options but really, all you need is some time away.

 

Post # 14
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Let me tell you something. The right guy, the ONE, he will keep. No reason you can’t take off and go somewhere without him. He will be okay. 

What DOESNT keep… Are kids. With kids, you definitely cannot just up and take off. You can get away with that with grownups but not kids. 

I think as long as you talk to your guy, you’ll find he will be supportive 🙂 if it’s your dream or/and relevant to your career, I’m sure he will want you to be happy. Just make sure you get it all done before TTC. But I don’t see why you can’t be engaged or married and still be yourself and pursue your dreams. Hey, maybe he’ll even go with you sometimes!

Post # 15
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here. My opinion might stem from seeing my parents and my grandparents, etc. but it is what it is. (Some might call it old fashioned, co-dependent, etc.)

I wouldn’t want to go anywhere whithout my SO. The same way I can have friends, but my SO is my best friend. This is the person you want to come home to and the person you want to wake up to. Is going to Kenya and doing those things alone better than staying home and being with the person you love? (It’s like having fun or being happy without having anyone to share the joy with)

Another example: How I met your mother (spoiler alert). Lily sabotaged her wedding date because she decided to go to San Francisco for an art program. She came crawling back to Marshall miserable that she ever went. Sure you might think, “am I going to regret not doing this?” But for me, if you’re still with the person you love, then no, you won’t regret not being apart from him for 3 months. 

If anything, I would try to pursuade my SO to do the things I want with me. For example, I love horse back riding, he never did it, so I convinced him to go with me. Small scale, but still. 

The funny thing is, if he wanted/had to go somewhere and there was no option for me to go with him, I’d tell him to do it and I’d wait right here for him to get back. But if I wanted to go somewhere, either he’d come with me, or I wouldn’t go. 

I’m not saying I love my SO more than anyone else, not at all. I just feel like I waited so long to find someone I love as much as him, that I don’t want to be without him. Even if it means missing out on something else. Because above all the dreams I ever want for myself, love is always at the top (I’m a hopeless romantic lol)

Post # 16
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

OP, my perspective is a little different from PPs, but I felt something very similar to what I think you’re describing.  Sorry about the novel, but I really hope this is helpful.

Before my husband proposed to me, but after I knew he was the One, I had a little freak-out.  I started going over lists of things in my head that I had always wanted to do, things that would required months or years of nonstop travel, that would preclude settling down with someone and having a family.  I had always had this list of dreams in the back of my head and thought that they would be available for me to pursue at any point in my life, and it was comforting to have these options.  But suddenly, my future with my husband was becoming concrete, and I realized that most of the things on this list of dreams would never happen.  

For my husband and I, our life together requires a lot of sacrifice from both of us.  We have both had to give up a lot of dreams that we had before we found each other, because they simply would not have allowed us to stay together in the way that we want and to have a family.  And it did feel sad and scary to give those up.  BUT we did it willingly because we both found a new, shared dream of our life together, which was more important than any of those other dreams.

Maybe what you’re feeling is just normal sadness at realizing that the possibilities of life don’t stay limitless forever.  That’s just a normal part of settling down with someone.  Or maybe you truly feel stuck and you do need to take a few months for yourself and do some of the traveling or work that you have always wanted to do.  Only you know if that’s what you really need.  I think it will help to talk to your SO about this, because it could be that he’s feeling the same anxiety, and it’s totally normal.

Even after I got married, sometimes I still feel sad about the life I “could have had”.  Not because I would trade in this life for that one, but because it’s hard to let go of dreams that I held for such a long time.  And now that we’re expecting our first child, there are even more possibilities that are closing for us.  My husband and I talk about these things often, and we’ve realized that there are some dreams that we’re okay with letting go of forever (like living in Mongolia), while some are still important to us but have to be modified or postponed (like hiking the CDT, which we plan to do after our kids are older).  It’s okay to feel sad about dreams you give up or modify, as long as you realize that doing so is what makes even more precious things possible.

Sharing your life with someone means you have to let go of some of the dreams you had when you were single, because it’s unlikely that your partner has the exact same dreams and plans that you did.  But if he’s the One, you’ll both develop new dreams and a shared vision of life together that will make you happier than the old ones ever could.

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