Suffering Through the Waiting Game

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
422 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Rebar

@peachykeener:  hey! I read ur post and thought that I found myself feeling the same way at your age with my SO. I started dating him when I was 15 and he was 17. By the time I was 21…I had been dating him for 6 years and was so wanting to get married. I knew he was he one and he did as well. But at that time I had just finished college and SO was on his way to law school away from the state that we lived. I had spoken to him about wanting to get married and he have me almost the same reason of why we should wait…money was a big concern for him bc just like ur SO he wanted to provide for me. And also wanted us to have stable jobs. I honestly couldn’t imagine myself waiting any longer. It had been already 6 years….and all I wanted waa to be married to him. Wedding fever was in full effect…:( but I realized the harsh reality that we would have to wait for te reasones that were super important for our marriage to work out. patience is not really something I had but learned….I started focusing on my career and other things in my life. I won’t lie it honestly hurt to wait but I am so happy I did. People do change the person you are at 21 is so different then who you will be later in life. I am now 25 on my way to my 26th birthday and we are about to be engaged. After 10 years…very long wait…but it was worth the wait. We are financially stable and have purshased a home as well. We are in a very different level in our relationship…in some cases waiting  maybe the best….and I know it sucks so much…but he is only looking out for both of your futures…

Post # 4
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@peachykeener:  Marriage means nothing. Seriously. It’s a piece of paper. If you are this caught up in a white dress and flowers, I don’t know what any of us can do about that. My FI and I are in a very similar position (21, living together for 3 years, completely independent, committed since day one). Marriage will change nothing to us. It will however, require a lot of money spent on behalf of our parents, as well as a lot of planning. As we are in university, we are waiting (he surprised me with an engagement recently – previously he had told me we were on track to be engaged by our 8TH ANNIVERSARY). 

 

Which is fine.

 

The only important thing is that I get to live with the guy who makes me homemade coconut butter face creams, and likes to surprise me by making my life with him as comfortable as possible.

 

If he had said “hey I have no interest in marriage” – I would’ve been on board too (in fact we went through a year long period where we tried to see the point in getting married).

 

It’s a tradition, and not even a very old one at that. Back in England in the Middle Ages, the lower classes didn’t even need a priest to get married, and there were no rings. Most of them never did, and they had some of the greatest mobility to love each other than any other class (due to arranged marriages/strategic marriages etc.)

 

Marriage has always been a primarily economical/political institution. It’s about the woman being signed over to her husband for safekeeping.

 

The only reason FI and I will be married is because we have been able to rework this tradition in a way that suits our current purposes, and that will be reflected in our ceremony.

 

But none of it is important!

 

The important thing for us, and for you, is that you have your best friend, your companion, to go through life with.

 

THE WHITE DRESS CHANGES NOTHING!

 

So you ask if its okay to know you’re crazy and still want what you know is crazy? I don’t think it is. It’s not okay for your Fiance, and you’re doing yourself a disservice. Because you are tying up your emotional/psychological/social happiness with a fleeting earthly pleasure.

 

In my opinion, the priorities are a little skewed! 

 

Post # 5
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

OP, I completely understand not being able to have the logical and emotional sides of your brain ‘mesh.’ I think a lot of us who are waiting due to external circumstances (school, money, jobs etc.) feel the same way. Deep down, we know it is probably best to wait. But it’s hard not to want it now, now NOW! I’m in the same boat! I’m just looking at my waiting experience as a lesson in patience, communication, trust and obviously delaying gratification…all of which are extremely important traits in both adulthood and marriage. The two of you should continue building your lives together with the goal of marriage when it’s reasonable for both of you. This might require some awkward conversations of timelines/expectations etc, but it needs to be done so the two of you are on the same page and can settle on a mutually-agreeable timeline. Sending massive hugs your way, I know how trying this waiting process can be! 

 

Post # 6
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Hey, I totally get you! When I was 21, I had been with my BF for 3 years. I had the engagement itch. At year 4 after we graduated college, he followed me across the country for MY job, and then I knew he was super serious about me. My BF had all the same reasons for not (financial, too young, etc) But at some point around year 5, I realized something… If I’m going to be with him forever, then why rush? So I calmed down about it. I’m currently 24, have been with him 6.5 years. Still no engagement. And around 3 months ago, HE brought it up on this own, and we went ring shopping. I can honestly say, doing it on his timeline is so worth the wait. Because then you know for sure that you are not pressuring him, and it meant so much more to me. Im still waiting for the proposal, but knowing that I made it through this makes me confident that we can make it through a marriage. So good luck on your waiting, I know it’s really hard.

Post # 7
Member
613 posts
Busy bee

@peachykeener:  Wow I pretty much just read my own story! at 21 I had been with my BF for 3 years we were living together committed to one another. And I was a crazy person, I’m surprised he was so patient with me. So we set our goals to accomplish before marriage my BF sounds JUST like yours! It helped I knew there was little chance I would get the ring before the goals but if it did it would be a pleasant surprise. 

Then we did them all and I’m still waiting after 7.5 years and hopefully only 3 more weeks!  but I’m so happy we waited. BUT he did have ring problems he had the crazy ring in his head and then his brother recently proposed with a crazy huge expensive ring. I had to sit him down and be like HELL NO I don’t want that. (I have silly small hands anything will look gigantic)

But because you are finishing up school, think about student loan debt. when that hit me I realized why I was happy to wait. it took us both a while to get them under control. between consolidation getting on a payment plan its allot. if he had proposed then I would have been overwhelmed. 

Post # 12
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

It’s funny, I read your post and I look back to when I was 21.  I had been dating my then boyfriend for 6 years.  We went through all of high school and college together.  I was about to graduate, I felt like we had been a great couple, and I was DYING to get engaged. 

He didn’t want to, for a lot of the same reasons your SO has.  I disregarded them all and said, BUT I WANT TO.  Funny thing is, I look back now, and see how bat shit insane I would be if I had married him. 

I really thought I knew who I was and what I wanted.  I thought, I know myself by now. I know who I am.  

HAHAHAHAHAHA. 

 

In the next 7 years, I’ve grown to be a completely different person.  I’ve traveled the world, I’ve met and lived with other guys, I’ve held down a high pressure career.  Give it time. You will look back and see how much you have changed.

 

It’s frustrating for now, enjoy your time with him and let it grow organically. It will happen if its meant to be.

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