Post # 1
I’m not sure if I’m being self-centered here or reasonable in my feelings, but I feel really bummed right now about a situation that is going to affect me and FI temporarily in terms of our wedding and living situation. FI works super hard as it is, and he has always been one to make sure there is extra money saved up–he really doesn’t like to struggle and I respect and admire that. Over the past few months, I’ve been working hard to cure him of his workaholic tendencies because I feel it is really affecting our relationship in a negative way with him being at work most of the time. He has been listening to me to some extent by changing his work schedule–so I was initially happy that he listened.
Today he dropped the news that his brother (who is 30yrs old) got laid off. He’s a professional who has been making good money so far and has a mortgage to pay–but he is single so there’s no family to provide for. FI told me that he really wants to help his brother pay for his mortgage for the next 5-6 months until he finds a job–which hopefully will be earlier than that. I told him that he is a good brother and that his brother is so lucky to have him. FI is worried that I will be super sad because he will have to work EVEN MORE now–so he is stressed about that. I told him that we are fine financially and that I totally understand he has to work extra for his brother–but I also told him not to be too concerned about saving up SO much money for us and that we will be fine.
Anyway, I just feel bummed now because we are in the process of planning a wedding, finding a place to live and planning a honeymoon. All this requires $–which we have but I feel now that FI is super stressed about our finances and he will be working so much more to make up for it. I don’t understand why his parents can’t help out his brother honestly to some extent–but I didn’t say anything.
FI is a man of integrity and I know he loves his family and would do anything for them–so is it fair that I feel this way right now? Should I stand up and say something or just accept the situation for what it is and let him work extra to help his brother pay the mortgage for now? I just feel sad that our situation is like this right now…and I can’t do anything about it.
Post # 4
I think it’s fair that you feel that way, but I also don’t think you should share those feelings with your fiance. If something financially horrible happened to your mom or one of your siblings (if you have one you are super close to), you would do what you could to help, right? So of course, your FI is going to offer the same help to his brother.
I think you need to wait and see how this situation plays out. if I were the brother, and in that situation, I would be renting out my house STAT (or at least a spare bedroom or something), and would look for work ASAP. Does the brother have any savings at all? Maybe the brother won’t accept that much financial help from your FI and you won’t have that much to worry about.
If, after many months, the brother hasn’t downsized his life, found work, and still expects your FI to pay everything, THEN you should have a talk with your Fi. But for now….wait it out.
Post # 5
@violet25: This may not be a very PC opinion, but I honestly would feel like 5-6 months of mortgage payment (5-10K?) is a LOT of money to expect to give, even to a sibling. If the brother was employed with no family, I would hope that he’d be financially responsible enough to have some sort of emergency fund, and as PP mentioned, a backup plan to rent out his house, or get a roommate, etc.
In that case, I would imagine that only 1-2 months help would be needed, at most, if he has any savings and is willing to work hard (as hard as your FI is planning to work!) in order to make his own payments. I’d think that if there are no health issues at play, then a grown, educated man should be able to get SOME kind of employment (even something temporary and below his “dignity”) or make SOME kind of backup plan (getting a roommate or renting his house or moving back in with his parents or selling some of his expensive items like big-screen TV/ 2nd car / furniture / DVD collection – whatever he can do without in order to make ends meet without depending entirely on your FI!).
But, it’s not really your place to intervene in their relationship. If after a month or two you’re seeing signs that the brother is making little-to-no-effort in order to improve his situation and you feel like he’s truly taking advantage of your FI’s generosity, then I think you could open up the discussion with your FI.
Post # 6
@violet25: thats a hard one, it cause cause fights between you if he thinks you are trying to stop him helping his family but I agree with you, it is hard when he already works so hard and you are both trying to save for the wedding etc. I can understand it more if FIs brother had been unemployed for a while and was in danger of losing his house but its only just hapened and already he is asking for/ or been offered a helping hand. Fingers crossed he gets a job straight away. Is it a loan or just a gift? Maybe his brother has helped him in in a similar way in the past or something you are not aware of?
Post # 7
I don’t think you are being selfish – you love your FI and want to spend time with him – that’s totally normal – and given that he’s worked long hours in the past, your worries aren’t irrational. I would personally talk to your FI about it (explaining that it’s totally wonderful that he help out his brother and you support him in that, but that you’re worried that you might not get to see him again) – it seems that he is open to suggestions since he tried to change his work hours before.
Maybe some hard facts would help. I would sit down with your FI and crunch out some numbers to see exactly how you guys are financially, how much more he’d have to make to help his brother, and how many hours that would entail. If you see that your FI is correct about having to work more to keep things financially stable, then maybe that will help you not feel so bummed that he is working so much. But if you guys see that it really isn’t necessary for him to work so much, then that might give you more of a reason to ask that he spend more time with you.
Alternatively, you could explore other options – if you don’t work, maybe you could get a job so that you have a dual income home and your FI doesn’t feel like he needs to spend so much time at work. Or, you could try to see if there are any unnecessary expenses you guys have at this time that you could get rid of in order to try to save money during this time.