Post # 1
So I don’t want to make this long because I want as many opinions as possible.
Got married July 28, 2012. Been with my hubby for about 6 years now, one year married (practically). His sister had a baby last year, he is adorable, I love him to death. His brother just had their baby a few days ago as well.
I used to be quite NO on the baby idea. I didn’t really want kids yet. But I feel like now that I have been exposed to two pregnancies over the course of a year and a half of my two only SIL’s, I am warming up to the idea.. I think? I find myself looking at baby things, thinking of names and all that jazz. And realistically, my man wants one bad. He is 31, I am 24. He doesn’t want to be an old dad and I feel for him. I also don’t want to be an old mom…
The only thing is, I just graduated from University. I got an arts degree (whoopdeedoo) and have applied to go back to school for Business because I want to make money. So on one hand, I want to finish school, get a job and work and travel. However, by that time I will be 30 and hubby will nearly be 40. I just feel so conflicted!!
And a side note, we have literally been using the pull-out-method for the whole 6 years we have been together and I’ve never even had a scare. So maybe I can’t even physically have a kid??
I need some advice!!
Post # 3
My DH and I used the pull out method for nearly 10 years with no scare, too. My hubby is just really in tune with his body and can control his orgasm, which is why we never had an oops. We are now ttc. You shouldn’t have kids because you think it’s what you should be doing. There needs to be a strong desire within you to have a baby, like nothing else is as important as creating a baby with your DH; everything else is secondary. Though I don’t know you personally, I would say you’re not ready yet. A baby, for you, right now, isn’t at the top of your priority list. That is not a bad thing either- you’re still young! Age is more of a concern for a female and not a male. Good luck with whatever you decide to do 🙂
Post # 4
Well, if you’re using the pull out method, and you’re in a commited, monogamous relationship, you be open to the idea of getting pregnant, at least on some level.
I think it’s natural that you’re having conflicting feelings. YOu think about them having cousins around the same age, you see how cute they are without having to take care of them 24/7, and your man wants to be a Dad.
the age difference is tricky, to be sure. I’m 35 and pregnant for the first time, and this is perfect timing for me in my life. But I’m not you!
It sounds like you want a few more years to focus on you, your career, etc.
Enjoy being an Auntie! as for possible infertility, I think it’s more likely that you’ve just been careful and have been good at preventing an unwanted pregnancy.
If you’re ok with it happening unplanned, then continuing on the path you’re on is fine!
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2011 - Baby boy 12/2015
@honie309: I think I know where you coming from. I have had this conflicting idea too. Although I am 28 and still at school, DH and I have decided that we would try to get pregnant before I am 30 and finish school. We already bought a home, so that part is done.
My education is important, but my youth would not be there forever. We decided that I can continue to finish school and be pregnant all at the same time. My education is so important that I am not giving up just because I get pregnant.
Deciding when to have a baby has to be a decision that both you and your DH agree on. Only you can decide and don’t just have a baby because everyone else is having them.
Post # 6
If you’re only 24, I would do your MBA now because it’s way less likely you’ll go back and do it after having children. It’s an extremely useful degree and a B.A. is not (I have one too, I don’t mean this as an insult!), and your potential salary would go way up with an MBA. If you were 30, I might say to wait on school, but being so young and not feeling totally ready to get pregnant, I would not wait. You could potentially start school next fall (assuming it’s too late to apply for this fall) when you’re 25 and get pregnant when you’re 26/27 and almost done with school. Your FI will only be 34 which is not old at all!
Post # 7
I think if your ready have children then you should seriously think about it, talk about it with your SO and really consider if you are ready.
I am a firm believer in education and we are a very similar age ( I am 23) so I totally understand where you are coming from. By next Feb I will have three qualifications (all of them in accounting and financial planning) and when we plan on having children I will be going for my CPA and my career will only have just started.
But, you can continue to study whilst pregnant and during the time you have off work to stay at home with your baby (assuming you have a year off work). You may find it takes some time to get pregnant, our fertility window each month is not very long at all. We can always go back to education (assuming you are motivated – which it sounds as though you are). The banking sector is also extremely flexible when it comes to having children. i.e. you can take a year/two off work and then transition to part-time then move back to full time.
What type of business sector would you like to become involved in?
Post # 8
I don’t know how other bees will take what I’m saying but I want a big family so…
Our plan is to start now. My husband is done with school and can provide for our family. It’s VERY important to me that I be able to stay home for the first year after our babies birth to help its development and I still have 2 years until graduation.
Since my husband can support us, we are going ahead and working on a baby, that way I will still be in school for its first year and will be able to stay home with it most of the time instead of working, not to mention not many places will want to hire me if I tell them “well I’m gonna need a year off work when I have my baby”.
I’ve been in school full time, worked full time and took care of a baby. It was relatively easy when I was just in school full time taking care of my daughter, the teachers recommended I only go to school part time but I didn’t see a need for that since I had plenty of time and it was all easy. Now that my daughter is 5, it’s a bit difficult to be in school full time with her but none the less definately doable.
I say, if you want a child and if you are financially ready, go ahead and go for it.
We plan to have 2 more kids though, through fostering, in about 5 years so we’re baby making early. I’m 26, husband is 27 btw
Post # 9
@littlemissbossy: I’m thinking of going into accounting. However I’m not 100% sure just yet.
I guess my main fear is having a kid so late in the game (mostly for my husband). He is a mllwright, is able to make good money, and is going for his blue seal (business end of things).
and when I think about school and being pregnant at the same time, I can’t even fathom it. Main reason being I will be completing my schooling in a completely different city. (1 hour away but still). That’s the problem with living in a small town I guess.
Post # 10
I don’t consider 30 (you) and 40 (him) old to have a kid, but maybe that’s just my social circle. Pretty much nobody in my circle has kids in their early/mid twenties (at least not on purpose). Sounds to me like you’re not quite ready yet.
Post # 11
honie309 accounting is great – I have moved into Financial Planning but both areas are really interesting. Could you do it via correspondence? That is how I am finishing my degree – I am doing a full time (and a half) uni degree, plus I also work full time at one of the big 4 banks. All the hard work deffinately will pay off and it is such an interesting field of work, plus you get to help people and earn a bucket of money.
I would only really start thinking about children when your ready, would your husband mind waiting a year or two?
Post # 12
@honie309: The best best best advice I have ever heard is to take an entire week and imagine having a baby/toddler/child (not teenager, because you can leave them home alone by that point and they’ll be fine) and imagine what life would be like with one. What could you be doing, what would you have to stop, etc. See if you’re ready for it yet.
There is no way I, or any other bee, can tell you what you need to do, because only you can decide if you’re ready for a little one or not.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t dive into the kid thing until I was 100% sure I wanted to do it. Hanging around other people’s children is VERY different from having one of your own.
Post # 14
@honie309: Not really sure what advice I can give, exept on him being 40- no biggie. My dad was 39 (two weeks from his 40th birthday) when I was born. My mom was 32 and honestly, she didn’t even think she could have kids anymore. The only reason she found out was because they had to do a pregnancy test before some X-Rays. So if you want to wait, wait. Don’t rush into having a baby before you’re ready.
Post # 15
I’m sure he wouldn’t mind waiting until I am done my school, but I know deep down he kind of already assumed we would be starting a family since I have already finished my first degree.
However thanks for all the advice!! It is nice to hear this from a bunch of different people. A lot of the other forums I go on, which I’ll admit are not nearly as supportive as the bee, are stating things like “Think of society, you’re selfish to wait this long, don’t you realize the health risks involved??” It’s ridiculous.
I think my main concerns are stemming from the age issue, and not wanting to be “old parents”. But I don’t think, after a while of thinking about it, that that reason is reason enough to start a family just yet. However I must admit I still kind of have the “bug”.
Post # 16
@honie309: “It’s selfish to wait this long, don’t you realize the health risks involved?” To me, that argument makes no sense. I would think it would be more selfLESS to be willing to bring a child into this world when you know it’ll be harder instead of only wanting one as long as the toll on your body is an easy one. And I think that when personal matters such as babies are concerned, society can go shove it. There are so many children unwanted by their parents (even a few in my family!) because the parents thought having children was the socially expected thing to do.