Post # 1
UGH! time for a rant…
Fiance and I just had a big blow up that really has me concerned…
Let me start by saying that FI’s family is planning to move to CA within the next couple months (probably after we’re married) His parents just put the house they own here on the market (after years of deciding between selling it and keeping it) – they still don’t know what they want 100%. It had been assumed that Fiance and I will live in and take care of the house if they keep it, and/or while it’s on the market. Fiance told them that we would take the house once they moved.
Okay the issue at hand:
I am about to graduate college, and today I found out about an amazing job opportunity. The thing is, it’s a couple cities over (about 1.5 hours away). I asked Fiance if he would be willing to move about and hour closer to the possible job opportunity. He said yes instantly. He then continued to say ‘just keep in mind, we can’t just leave the house if it won’t sell’. Thia isntantly pushed my buttons because of his family expecting us to cater to them with everything. I calmly told him that I don’t feel like we should have to stay in the house if something like this comes up. This is because it’s his parents house, and they are the ones who are deciding to move. As I was explaining this, he interrupted me and tried to get me to stop talking so he could repeat what he just said. This was the last straw. I tried explaining my case again but this time with more force. He continued to try to get me to stop talking, so I left the room. He came in after about 5 mins and told me I needed to calm down. I tried explaining that he can’t just expect me to listen to his side of things without me voicing my own opinions, and continued what I had tried explaining before. He was completely rude while ‘listening’ to me and kept interrupting me. He then brought up a possible job in CA (he applied to months ago with hearing nothing back) and said, “well what happens if I get that job?” I said, “we would move to CA obviously” (it’s a better job). But that was if he even hears anything back! That meant he was perfectly willing to up and leave the house regardless of selling for his job. I was beyond irritated.. The same type of thing carried on for about 20 mins of back and forth bickering until I made him leave the room.
I am just so fed up with everything revolving around him or his family! They have only talked to me about the house once. I told them we would stay in it if they decided to keep it. Apparently Fiance must have said something different at another time, because now they expect us to babysit the house until it sells (if it even does- They had it on the market for over a year a couple years ago and then took it off & refinanced). I do not feel like this is our obligation, and it’s their responsibility to figure out what to do with their house. Can they really just expect us to stay indefinately and revolve our lives around theirs? Am I being irrational?? I really don’t know what to think about this.
Post # 3
Is this what the parents expect or is this what your fiance has offered to do? Do they know there is the possibility of either one of you getting a job you would have to move for?
I would wait and see what happens with the job and cross the bridge when it comes to it. For now, its actually kind of nice of them to give you a place to live, rent free, so it might be win win for everyone.
I would also try talk it out with your fiance when you are both feeling more calm about it.
Post # 4
@gingernutjo: it’s what they expect. They never talked to me/ us as a couple about the house situation. I told her we would stay if they kept the house, which it is now for sale. They are aware of the possibility of needing to move for careers.
And it wouldn’t be free. We all are in the house now- when they leave it will be just us. We’ll be paying to stay there, and be taking care of it along with the property.
Post # 5
@KsoontobeN: What! Why would they make you pay if you are doing them a favour? If its not cheap it might be better to just move when you can and just get out of the situation.
Post # 6
No, it’s not your job to save them from being unable to sell their house that they invested in. Just tell them the conditions under which you’re happy to stay in the house and the conditions that would change that situation and that something could come up at any time.
Before you have that conversation with them though, you need to get on the same page with your fiance.
Post # 7
I think you guys should first work on how to communicate this type of stuff. If you have effective communication you can easily solve these types of issues as partners.
I went to therapy with my mom a few years back and the therapist taught us a wonderful communication tool. One partner at a time goes, and you both have to be really willing to be open and vulnerable with the other. You are essentially entering their “world,” and they are entering yours, so you both have to be careful to not attack the other person during the communication session, since it can be even more hurtful.
So here’s how it starts. Facing each other, you would communicate a feeling/thought you are having. Just one – you don’t get complicated. Then he would say, “This is what I heard…” and repeat back what you said. Now this is the important part. Most of the time people put their own biases and perceptions on things that people communicate – he has to take away his own biases and perceptions and focus solely on what you are saying. After he finishes repeating what you said, he will say, “Did I get that right?” If he added in his own ideas about what you said or how you’re feeling you tell him no and try again – maybe saying it in different words. You can’t move on until he really gets what you are saying, which you’ll know by him mirroring it back to you. Once he gets it, you can continue sharing your feelings step by step.
A lot of times breakthroughs actually come during this process – at least that’s what happened with my mom and myself. My mom and I started communicating what we each already knew the other was feeling, but as we started really listening, it got deeper and deeper. We also only did one person at a time, so we both focused on the other person, and it didn’t become a back and forth. You continue mirroring each other, taking turns, until you each really understand the other person and can work as a team to compromise and figure out how to fix the issue.