(Closed) Super Fristrated with FI!!!!!!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Is this what the parents expect or is this what your fiance has offered to do? Do they know there is the possibility of either one of you getting a job you would have to move for? 

I would wait and see what happens with the job and cross the bridge when it comes to it. For now, its actually kind of nice of them to give you a place to live, rent free, so it might be win win for everyone. 

I would also try talk it out with your fiance when you are both feeling more calm about it. 

Post # 5
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@KsoontobeN:  What! Why would they make you pay if you are doing them a favour? If its not cheap it might be better to just move when you can and just get out of the situation. 

Post # 6
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

No, it’s not your job to save them from being unable to sell their house that they invested in. Just tell them the conditions under which you’re happy to stay in the house and the conditions that would change that situation and that something could come up at any time. 

Before you have that conversation with them though, you need to get on the same page with your fiance. 

Post # 7
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think you guys should first work on how to communicate this type of stuff. If you have effective communication you can easily solve these types of issues as partners.

I went to therapy with my mom a few years back and the therapist taught us a wonderful communication tool. One partner at a time goes, and you both have to be really willing to be open and vulnerable with the other. You are essentially entering their “world,” and they are entering yours, so you both have to be careful to not attack the other person during the communication session, since it can be even more hurtful.

So here’s how it starts. Facing each other, you would communicate a feeling/thought you are having. Just one – you don’t get complicated. Then he would say, “This is what I heard…” and repeat back what you said. Now this is the important part. Most of the time people put their own biases and perceptions on things that people communicate – he has to take away his own biases and perceptions and focus solely on what you are saying. After he finishes repeating what you said, he will say, “Did I get that right?” If he added in his own ideas about what you said or how you’re feeling you tell him no and try again – maybe saying it in different words. You can’t move on until he really gets what you are saying, which you’ll know by him mirroring it back to you. Once he gets it, you can continue sharing your feelings step by step.

A lot of times breakthroughs actually come during this process – at least that’s what happened with my mom and myself. My mom and I started communicating what we each already knew the other was feeling, but as we started really listening, it got deeper and deeper. We also only did one person at a time, so we both focused on the other person, and it didn’t become a back and forth. You continue mirroring each other, taking turns, until you each really understand the other person and can work as a team to compromise and figure out how to fix the issue. 

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