SUPER long problems with the in-laws. Disown them?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@prettylittleliar4:  I think you should accept that you two won’t be that close.  It sucks that she is not making the same effort you are, but ultimately there’s nothing you can do to force her to get to know you.  I would definitely still invite them to the wedding.  Not inviting them may cause damage beyond repair. Leave the door open, but stop worrying about it.

Post # 5
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@prettylittleliar4:  agree with PP, you should invite them. They might come, they might not, but if you don’t you will be the ones that closed the door. Even if their behaviour has been awful they will find a way to rationalise that, but they will have a very factual thing against you two. I’d say send the invites but don’t make a fuss about it, if they say that they won’t come just say “thanks for letting me know”  and leave it there. If they come, be polite as you would be to a very distant family member. There is no need to try to include them in anything or make them feel special, they clearly get a kick out of getting you to run after them. 

I bet that if you don’t invite them they are going to say to everyone that can hear that you (not your FI, you)  excluded the from the wedding. You might not care about what other people think, but believe me, no amount of explaining on your part will ever make up for the fact that they didn’t get an invitation. It will reflect really badly on you, even if you have done nothing wrong and it is not fair. 

Post # 7
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@prettylittleliar4:  You are hosting the wedding, so you pick the wedding guest list. Add them.

 

Your MOTHER is hosting the shower, and she gets to pick the guest list. She can do what she wants (and not invite them).

Post # 9
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@prettylittleliar4:  It is his family, so he gets the final say, but what I would tell him is this:

You may not be getting along with them RIGHT NOW. You may hate them RIGHT NOW. You may hope you never have to share the same air as them RIGHT NOW, but how are you going to feel in 5, 10 or 20 years? I am not saying they have to be best friends or that an invite is going to fix anything. He can continue to distance himself from his dad and stepmom if he wants, but not inviting them to the wedding is a huge eff you in the face. One he won’t be able to come back from without a HUGE apology (and maybe not even then).

 

Post # 10
Member
13003 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think they should get an invite and choose what to do.  If they want to burn the bridge, let them, but I wouldn’t do that by not inviting them, which would send a very clear message… unless that’s what you want to do.  I really don’t understand trying to go hang out and be all that close to her either though.  My MIL is great and we get along, but even so, I can’t imagine that I’d go out to lunch and what not with her without my husband around. 

Post # 11
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I will say do not disown them. Leave the ball in their court. Don’t talk to them or text them unless they text you first if they are upset with your FI let him handle it (have a talk with him before hand) my new way with dealing with my Mother in law is simply not talking to her unless she talks to me first. I dont like the woman I think she is a crazy manipulative person and instead of fighting with her I have decided to leave the situation at hand alone. I love my fiance and I would never dream of telling him or our son that they are no longer able to see the person they care for. But that does not mean that I have to go with to see them.

Post # 13
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

I wish I could understand why people want to try so hard to be friends with their inlaws.  I just can’t.  

I also vote not to disown.  Either you left out all of the good details, or this is a really silly reason to disown someone.  She obviously doesn’t want to be friends, but she’s mature enough to be cordial.  That’s really all that is needed.  And not showing interest in your baby is a really crappy reason to not involve them in the baby’s life at all.  That hurts the baby – not them.  

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