Supercold feet a month before the wedding

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

Julia34:  Do you plan on adopting his culture and/or religion? If not, I would probably be second guessing living in his country as well.

Honestly, these sound like serious concerns, and not the off hand “what if” thoughts that come with the usual cold feet. There is nothing wrong with putting things on hold until you are totally sure you are happy with your plans. It is easier to cancel a wedding than get a divorce.

Post # 3
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

These are serious and important concerns. We are Canadian and my SIL married a great Dutch guy she met as a child and kept contact with through most of her life. They settled in Holland because of his job. At the time she spoke rudimentary Dutch (has since improved.) Their culture and beliefs are very similar – much more so than you and your DF. She has immediate family living in London, England so not too far but not around the corner.

At first, the excitement of the wedding and making a home kept her busy but eventually she started to suffer feelings of lonelisness and homesickness. Just as in your case – her friends were really her husband’s friends and she felt dependant on him. They are still together 26 years later, but they have had to budget financially for yearly trips home to Canada for her. Eventually she found a part-time job that didn’t require her knowing how to write in Dutch and, of course, children came along which helped her feel better.

It is doable but be prepared for occassional bouts of homesickness and loneliness and plan on returning home to see your family at least yearly.

Post # 4
Hostess
24457 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with the previous poster.  These things are not things to be taken lightly.  You are changing your entire life if you move to the same country with him and no amount of love can change that fact.  I know it sucks to put a wedding on hold but it is better to be 100% sure that you can live with the situation than to end up married and miserable with no way out because you are in a foreign country with no support.

Post # 5
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

Could he not move to your country?

Post # 6
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

i have been engaged twice in my life and both times to a person with a different cultural background. Comparing those two events now, i was really freaking out with the first one (it also involved moving to his country). I ended up making a list of pros and cons and was deep down even slightly upset i could not find some serious personal trait fault of his or whatever to use as an excuse for bailing out!

now i am engaged to a man whose culture is even more different to mine (similar case to yours), surprisingly i am not compiling lists now and am really looking forward to marrying him. Yes, i still do get an occasonal ‘well meaning’ relative warning me but these are all people who don’t know him well and i shrug it off. My family loves him and his family has been extremely welcoming to me To the extent i feel i actually have a support network there too. But i also think that because neither of us is living and working in our own native country, certain type of pressure is not there. If you actually move there permanently that is a whole kind of different pressure, including the one that expects you to adopt to their ways. That one is really hard and your FI definitely gets the easier deal here And might even have difficulties understanding what you are struggling with.

it is very difficult to give you advice because i don’t know what kind of issues you have with your inlaws. For me personally it would be a red flag if the inlaws (or my parents) are not supportive. in the worst case it might come to thpe point where they will try to create issues between you two. If he is a no nonsense type of person who won’t take that and will put his parents in place if needed, then it will not be such a big issue. On the other hand, if he tends to side with his parents and not stand up for you, you are guaranteed to have a rocky road ahead of you With lots of frustrations and no support network. 

based on my first experience i’d say trust your gut instincts. When you really don’t know what to do any more that is usually the best way to go. Even if your fiance seems to tick all the right boxes but you still have that uneasy feeling eating away at you, go with your gut. As it turned out my first FI was not such an incredible guy afterall And he did tick all the right boxes then.

ps. My current FI is also muslim, albeit very westernised and doesn’t actually know much about his religion or even local customs. His parents are also not taking their religion seriously. What is your case here?

Post # 7
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I was engaged at 18 to my high school sweetheart. We had been together since we were fourteen and I was so excited to be with him forever. He was a wonderful man who adored the heck out of me. He proposed with a grand guesture (that I now cringe at) and then we set to work planning.

A month before the wedding I called it off. It was nothing to do with him. I loved him, but I wasn’t IN love with him. I had had the feelings of cold feet for about six months before but I just atributed it to being afraid to make such a major committment. I nearly ignored those feelings and I am so glad I didn’t.

Don’t ignore your concerns OP. They are legitimate concerns. Especially the fact that neither your parents nor his parents approve. That would be a big deal and definitely a dealbreaker for me as I am extremely close to my famiy. Also the fact that you will be moving to be with him in a culture he is familiar with and you are not. Without any support, I’d definitely be rethinking this.

Post # 8
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

Julia34:  oh gosh, im so sorry. Id feel the same if i were you. Is there any way to have a small wedding for your family first in sweden and then have another wedding with his family? Its important to have those people close to you. Im not sure if dinner with your family after the wedding will feeling sufficient to you but if it does then go for it. Otherwise, maybe its best to just have a small informal wedding ceremony in sweden first before your sister is due and see how your DF feels about that. Does he expect you to convert to islam? Is he very religious? This is an important thing to consider

Post # 9
Member
10 posts
Newbee

As a person born (but not living in) in a Muslim country, I think your problem greatly depends on the following factors: Not only what country you’re living in, but which city in that country you’re living in, how religious his family is, how much he cares about his ties to his family, whether there is any opportunity at all of you both moving to another country (maybe not Sweden, but some neutral “easy” place like UK?) I can’t imagine that these issues didn’t come up between the two of you during the time you spent together.

Plus… Is there no expat community in your city, that you could use to build a support network? How well do you speak the local language? What exactly is your job? Have you also considered the fact that you’ll be raising your kids, if you will have them, in that culture and environment?

I mean there are just too many factors to consider here before giving you advice. I thought I’d chime in because I know the workings of at least one of the Muslim countries very well 😉 And I have no plans of ever moving back there. (my FI is also from there, and most of our families live there too) 

Post # 11
Member
3373 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

Time is not running out. YOU are in charge of this situation, you are one of two principals in this marriage, it doesn’t take place without you agreeing to it. Sure you have a wedding date lined up, but that’s just a day in the future. You don’t have to get married on that day, you could get married to hims later, or not at all.

So, slow. it. down. Put it the wedding on hold until you resolve your conflicted feelings.

But this doesn’t sound like a good situation to me. And I doubt I’d want to raise a girl child in a Muslim country if I were from your country, a country that has a history and culture of very strong opportunities for women. Have you actually had real conversations with your husband about riaising daughters?

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  .
Post # 12
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

Julia34:  I have no advice,  but wish you the best. I hope you come to the right conclusion.

Post # 13
Member
7214 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Julia34:  I can’t speak for turkey, which I’ve heard is quite lovely. But I do hope you look into the laws for wIves and children in Turkey.

I bring this up because I had an American friend who married a Muslim and went to live in his country. She was miserable after many years due to the cultural differences and wanted to come home but she couldn’t because of their laws re wives. Her family hired lawyers here to right for her but she has not been allowed to come home. 

Plus, our cultural experiences feed our expectations in marriage in ways we just never think will happen to us. i think you are wise to think about this in advance. Please check the laws in Turkey. 

 

Post # 14
Member
7214 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

FauxPas2012:  +1 re raising daughters. I don’t know re Turkey, but I’d compare the laws and policies to help families and kids to those in your home country. I know turkey is more secular, so I’m not sayng these concerns apply but rather that I urge you to find out before making a commitmwnt. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  BalletParker.
Post # 15
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Banquet hall

I can’t tell you what is the right path, but I agree with previous posters that ill-feelings from both families can be a sign.

I’m in the States, but am moving from New England to the Deep South for FI’s work, and though mine is on a much smaller scale, I share your uneasiness about cultural differences. I never dreamed I’d even visit the Deep South, but now I’ll live in a state with fewer laws and minimal regulation and protections, like legal protections for women, especially single women. I could be fired for being unwed, pregnant, etc. It’s an fire at will state, no reason necessary. It all seems very nice there, but I fear trouble. I’m looking forward to the legal protections of marriage, which is something I’d never brought into the mix as a Northerner! I worry about finding a school district for our future children that is not still under a desegregation order or preaches Christianity in a public environment. There is a bit of me that hopes FI’s work will bring us back home again, but everytime I visit to see the roads in worse condition, the crime rate up, and my friends and family working long, hard jobs to make ends meet, I thank my lucky stars and decide it’s our turn to be pioneers, no matter how hard that seems now.

If you are uneasy give your feelings due process. If you could never travel again, what would hurt worse? Separating from your FI or never seeing your family again?

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