(Closed) Supporting Husband to return to school – Help/Advice?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Is there any way he can do odd jobs of some kind too keep him busy while he goes to school?  I probably would try to get him to take more classes so he could possibly finish school quicker and get out in the career world.

As for the money situation, I think that you will probably feel like you are supporting the whole family right now but there is a give and take in a relationship.  He should help out around the house since you will be the one making the money and he will be home all the time except when in classes.

The past yearish I was at home going to school and my husband was supporting us.  It was hard, especially with the tight money situation but we made it through.  If you can afford it, you both should have some ‘slush money’ that you can spend on what you want each month (I think that couples should have this all the time to allow them to feel like they don’t have to consult eachother for every little purchase).

Post # 5
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

What field does he want to go into?

Post # 6
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Thanks for posting this, it’s timely for me as DH and I are currently considering a similar arrangement. He’s unhappy in his job and has probably gotten as high in the company hierarchy as he can. He has a fairly good chunk of savings (from properties he sold before he met me) and I earn a good income that could just about support us completely. I am encouraging him to take some time off, spend it making our garden beautiful, maybe update some qualifications, and then get back into the workforce early next year. I think he is a bit worried of turning into his father, who is an artist and was financially supported by MIL for most of their marriage (they are now divorced and MIL is pretty bitter about the whole thing). I had to remind him that I wouldn’t let him act the way his father did – as far as I’m concerned, his job would be our house and I would not be happy if he neglected that. I also wouldn’t let him be unemployed for too long as the longer you’re out of the workforce the harder it is to get back in for so many reasons. Anyway we are still throwing around some ideas (I just got a new job and we’re not sure what I’ll be earning, plus if he stays at his job until December he’d get a better pay-out), but in the meantime I’ll be interested to see what other people’s experiences have been.

Post # 7
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

@mountain.bride: So true about the longer you are out of work the harder it is, which is why doing something that can be put on the resume shows that you are working on yourself (going back to school or volunteering).

Post # 8
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Agreed MissAsB – if only he could put on his resume that he’d made his wife a blissfully happy and relaxed woman by looking after her while she tried to make a name for herself in her new high pressure job!! I’ve never wanted to be a stay at home wife (I get bored so easily) but I’m loving the idea of having a house husband, I have to say 🙂

Post # 9
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

So is he going to CC again, a traditional 4 year, or something else?

Most CCs are super accomodating to attend with their class offerings (with the time of classes, distance learning, anytime anywhere classes), so I think it wouldn’t be to hard to work part or even full time. Even if its not towards the field he wants (because he can always do an internship or volunteer for related stuff if he can’t find it paid).

4 year might be harder to work a lot depending on how accomodating class schedules are.

I think he can totally do it!

Post # 10
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it can all work out if he is able to find a part time job.

If he applies for financial aid, make sure you fill out a special circumstances form with the financial department, as your taxes will reflect how much you made when he had a full time job. This might help a bit 🙂

Post # 11
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

maybe you could give both of you equal “allowances” and keep everything else in savings.  that way it would be equal: you both have X amount of discretionary dollars per month and it’s a certain percentage of the income you’re bringing in (and what he’s bringing in from odd jobs) on your salary.

Post # 13
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My FI decided to return back to school a year ago.  I have a great career and am the one doing the majority of the bills.  He was lucky enough to keep a part time job with the company he was working for before (An Aviation engineering Company).  It will all work out…he should finish now while he still can, it’ll only get harder the longer he waits.  He should be able to find a part time job, the economy is slowly coming back.  We’ve cut out unnecessary spending (no more going out to eat), I’ve become a coupon and savings card goddess, decided we can live for the next 2 years without cable, and watch our electrical and water use in our house.  Oh, I also quit smoking (HUGE money saver).  Can’t say it’s been easy but we’re making it work.  The outcome is worth it.

Post # 14
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

What about finding a job with flexible schedules and taking night classes? It’s pretty easy to do (finding a job is the tough part! Or waiting tables and doing morning classes?), depending on what you’re going to school for. One of my coworkers works full time here in the lab and is working on his engineering degree. Surviving on only one income isn’t the easiest to do (i did it for 6 months and I did not like it at all). Or, since you work full time, he has your benefits, which is key, and he can work part time and take on more classes. Some of the community colleges near me have weekend classes, too. Yes you’re in class on Saturdays or Sundays, but you also are done in like, 8 weeks and then you can move on to another class. Taking prerequisites at a community college would be your most affordable option. I know, for me, i live in the “district” and they are only $249/class. Totally affordable! But the same class at the nearby university is about $1500. Some universities aren’t a fan of having prerequisite courses, but most state colleges don’t mind, provided you get good grades. If he did the weekend courses, he could keep doing what he’s doing now (construction)….i imagine construction pays better but is less steady work? not sure.

What does he want to do, career-wise? What is he going to school for? Those are also big things to consider, because you want it to be somewhat flexible, not to mention be enough to drastically increase earning potential, plus be something he wants to do. 

When my husband got out of the army in november, i was bugging him about getting a job. I think the clincher was in april, when i finally told him that all this sitting around just made me feel he was being lazy and a mooch, that he was taking for granted the fact that I was supporting him when he was perfectly capable of working and wasn’t even trying.  I told him it was hard on me, and i was starting to resent him for what he wasn’t doing. And i reminded him that he wasn’t “too good” to take a lower paying job, that i thought that was the most ridiculos thing I’d ever heard. He literally didn’t want a job that paid under 50K, which was still a big pay cut for him out of the Army, but that just put more pressure on ME, not to mention cut the amount of money i was able to save (i started saving for a car and if he wasn’t working, it was hurting that goal). A frank discussion fixed it for us, and my husband ended up taking a lower paying job. But it’s a job. In fact, somebody on this board told me it’s easier to get a job once you have a job and that’s stuck in my head. Plus, DH kept saying, “i have X in the bank, we’re fine” and he just didn’t GET IT. I think once he saw the money slowly going down, he finally got it.

I guess I just didn’t feel like it was an equal partnership if my husband was hanging around the house all day and I was taking care of everything financially. I didn’t feel like we were on the same level; i felt like i was taking care of him And i hated that. especially since i’d come home to a messy house or dinner wasn’t done. Know what your expectations are of each other. I don’t think I would’ve had as many issues with DH not working if i felt he was “contributing” sufficiently. BUt it’s stressful being the only one paying the bills. It would piss me off when I’d pay all the bills and then DH would go out to lunch and use his savings for that. It just didn’t seem fair. So, i feel ya =]. When you’re a student, I think you just take what you can to bring some cash in. Anything is better than nothing!

Post # 15
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My husband also works construction and its really unstable right now.  Decent money but very few jobs.  Those few jobs barely pay the company bills. 

Post # 16
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

We’ve talked about doing this and may in the future (it’s the same situation for my husband: went to school for a little while but left and has worked since), though if we did my husband plans to still work at least part-time. Some friends of ours are planning on getting married next summer and will be in the same situation, with her working full-time and him going to school full-time. It’s something that they’ve had to talk through.

I think it takes some working through on both sides. I know some husbands feel bad in a situation like that because so much of their self-esteem is tied up in being the provider and they don’t feel like a good husband or man if their wife is supporting them.

I’ve also been on the other side of it, too, with my husband working and me staying at home (that’s been the story of this summer), and that’s hard, too.

What kind of issues are you anticipating in particular? Do you feel like you’ll resent being the main provider for the family for that season?

 

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