(Closed) Supporting the parents

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

1) My parents are both retired and have been since their 40’s, so I’m really used to it. As far as “handling” them, well, they have more flexibility now so they can come visit more! And that is really, really nice. But they seem to forget that we can’t just drop everything and go on vacation with them or visit them because we work in the corporate world. 

2) I am not socking away money to take care of our parents. Nor is DH. I am of the mindset that that is their responsibility, and I know my parents, definitely, are okay, and that DH’s mom has money set aside to retire in 10 years. I’m socking away for MY retirement and MY 401K now. And when I have kids, I will have them to provide for. I could never see my parents expecting us to take care of them. We’ve had discussions and they’re very against this.

3) Our only rules are that they won’t live with us. I am not opposed to appropriate care homes for my folks, and they for one, have already told me, “put us in homes. don’t let us live with you, it’s not right” and are adamant about us not taking care of them. They are selfless about this and would rather us spend our money on putting our kids to college than paying for them to sit in a nursing home. They have literally drilled this into my head. I know if my father passes first, my mom has commented that she wants to buy a home in st louis and at least be near us, though. I wouldn’t be opposed to hiring my mom, say, a lady who comes and cleans for her and does the ‘backbreaking’ work, though. 

I know it’s a cultural thing, but my parents are very big on not burdening me in their old age. They have tried to have their parents live with them at various stages, but it has never worked out well. So, seeing as how the experience was unfavorable, I never see them trying to permanently move in with us.

Post # 4
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Its certainly a question that we have discussed in passing.  Luckily both of our parents are doing very well.  I don’t think my parents would ever move up by us and I don’t think his parents would even leave their home. 

We have talked a little bit about when/if it would be appropriate/ok to offer help to family.  Its hard though because it really will depend on where we are at that point in our lives. 

Post # 5
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I worry about this a lot. DH’s mom is fine, she’s already on disability for medical reasons, and was awarded a fat settlement, so she’s pretty much OK. That could (and probably will) change, though. I think that’s just a bridge we will have to cross when we come to it

My mom, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. She’s been self-employed most of her adult working life, and I know she struggles just to pay her income taxes. She never has any extra money, for anything, ever. Even when we were kids her money management skills were pretty bad. Now that I’m not around to “police” her spending, I’m sure it’s out of control. But I’ve made it pretty clear to her that I will not be able to take care of her (financially) in her old age. She’s 51 now – I think she thinks she will never get old, or retire.

I wouldn’t be opposed to my mom living within walking distance of me… but definately not in the same house! DH and I have talked about it, but not very seriously. We just both know that SO MUCH can and will change in the next 10 or so years… so why worry ourselves too much about it now?

Post # 7
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

@pendola, your MIL sounds like my aunt. She’s 57, like my dad, with ZERO savings. And I worry about what’ll happen if she doesn’t find someone to take care of her! She has tried to move in with my parents and they flat out REFUSED. I find it very sad that my aunt is in her 50’s and has never been stable her entire life, and I worry about her

Post # 8
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

At the moment, we are unable to save any money for this, but we will have to start soon.  We both feel that because our parents sacrificed in order to take care of us as children, it is our responsibility to do the same for them later in life.  ((I am not saying that this is the only way to feel about this issue, just to be clear)). 

Also, we both grew up in multi-generation households, so it is something that we are used to.  We would be very open to having them live with us at some point – it would depend on their wishes and on our financial situation.  Sometimes it is better for older folks to be in an environment that can cater to them more, such as a retirement home.  Personally, I’d prefer to have them with us, but I realize they may not want to!

ETA: just noticed this was in newlyweds!  Obviously I am not yet a newlywed, but this is something that we’ve discussed at length.

Post # 10
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My husband and I have discussed this together a LOT and tried to talk to my parents about it too – but they are off in la-la land and refuse to be responsible. We tried to get them to look at buying long term care insurance, and they laughed and said they are not going to give their money away. We are very, very worried that the burden to care for them will fall on us, and they do not seem to care one bit. They are going to retire soon and have very little saved. They plan to live off my dad’s pension plus his social security. I am most worried if my dad passes away first, because my mom really won’t get much from SS and she has no pension. She also has a serious spending problem, and only laughs when we try to discuss it with her. We even sent them fill-in-the-blank forms for wills and powers of attorney, and two years later they have not touched them. Their financial affairs are going to be in a huge disarray and it will be up to us to fix everything. I don’t know what else to do, we have tried everything to get them education and support and they don’t care.

Post # 12
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I have discussed it with my mom, and in the end she and my step father will live independently as long as they can, and then we will make final decisions on things when the time comes. I also have an uncle and aunt (my moms brother and sister) who I am extremely close to. My aunt’s husband is about 20 years older her, so he will pass before her and she has no kids, my uncle and his partner have been together 20+ years and they have no kids. So I have also had discussions with them that I will be there for them when the time comes, I am also the executor of both their estates. It’s strange to talk about but I’m glad that things like this have been discussed early in my family, so we all are on the same page about what direction things will go in atleast in a broad sense.

Post # 13
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

My parents are very well off. My dad actully just got laid off and is SO excited (hes been expecting his work to close for YEARS) They plan on buying a house in FL to live in in the winter and maine in the summer. FH and I plan on building a new house in a couple of years and We will prob have an apt over the garage for them ( they will be paying of course!) And i cant wait because my mom mows the lawn like everyday and FH mows our yard like once a month!

 

Post # 14
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

Ugh. I’ll be taking care of my mom. He knows. His parents will be fine. Hopefully, one, magical day she can live in the imaginary guest house behind my imaginary house.

Post # 15
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

We haven’t outright discussed this but it’s pretty obvious neither set of parents expect anything from us (except for visits and grandchildren.)  I know my mom is set for retirement, as are my in-laws.  My dad is a farmer so there’s no retirement package there and I’m not sure how much planning ahead he’s done but both families are fiercely independent (as were their parents.)  Our families definitely have the “take care of yourselves and the next generation” mentality.  Out of my grandparents, two died “young” and two died in their homes with help only at the very end.  Same thing with J’s maternal grandparents.  I would imagine our parents, and eventually ourselves, follow in their footsteps.  (Though hopefully not the “young” part!) 

Post # 16
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My parents are FAR from set up to retire, thankfully, I have a sibling who would be financially capable of helping in that regard. the other sibling is as unreliable as the weather, and is part of the contributing factor to their financial woes.

As for FFIL & FMIL, well .. I kind of have the sinking feeling we’re going to be expected to help them with the costs of retirement/long term care. They are a decade older than my parents and neither is in a very attractive financial situation. Also, despite the fact that FMIL has 2 children, FBIL is just starting out and has a hard enough time supporting himself let alone to think about his mother’s possible retirement in 10 years.

We’ve discussed logistics, but definitely don’t want to be ‘held responsible’ or so to speak. Mostly all 4 of them are in the financial situations they are in from making poor life choices/poor financial decisions, and we don’t feel it is ‘fair’ to have to pick up the slack from them all living like 50+year old teens.

I mean, I’m 22, my SO is 24 and we BOTH have 10k (separately) socked away for retirement already, call me selfish, or greedy but I don’t want to spend my retirement funds on someone else’s retirement (especially since they will all be covered by CPP & I won’t!)

At the very MOST, we would consider renting an in-law suite or such like. Long term care is the part that scares me Sh*tless (my g-ma has Parkinson’s & Alzheimer’s, so I have definitely seen the ‘dark side’ of old age).

Uugh, now I feel like I should call my sister and figure this out!

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