(Closed) Supposed to be married right now….cancelled my wedding 3 weeks before the day

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Wow, weddings can cause soooo much stress to people, BUT I feel very proud (and I don’t even know you ) that you did what YOU felt was right to do even if that meant calling off the wedding…Bravo on that… 

Give yourself some time here – like you said you do NOT need to make a decision right now – perhaps there is a possiblitty that you could spend some more time away or even in your own apratment for a couple of months to see if this is really what you want to commit to..

No matter what you eventually decide to do it seems you are a person that rightly thinks about doing what is best for themselves as well as others as marrying someone that you feel is not right for you will only eventually affect his life too. 

For now let him ‘SHOW’ you that he really wants this – his actions will show you if he is telling the truth or not…

Good luck and hugs

Post # 4
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Im so sorry to hear this! It is definately a very difficult situation to be in. I was with a guy for 2 years… he cheated, was manipulated, i had to do EVERYTHING and was very hurtful to get his way. I thought once we got married it would change. NOPE! he then started having affairs because we were legally together and couldnt just leave him. Then I became pregnant… caught him cheating on me which let to a miscarriage. needless to say, I left him. and am so happy I did. because you shouldnt have to put up with more crap then happy times. and there are billions of people in the world. I found my man and couldnt be happier!

however, I did try leaving him a few times but kept going back because I was scared of being alone… thought that thanks to his manipulating words… but the point with that is that i kept trying to make it right when he didnt try at all…

think long and hard about it, talk with your friends and family. Its hard ever trusting again… its always in the back of your head.

Post # 5
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

good for you for calling off the wedding and moving into your own bedroom!

i’d suggest couples counselling?

I’m sorry to say but he sounds immature. Be wary of marrying his “potential” and not the man/boy he is today.

Good for you for taking space, and talking things out. You are at a major fork in the road. there’s a very real possibility that you are heading towards separation. It may be for the best! OR, you may be able to make it work, but HE has to work at it to. Don’t over-compensate like you’ve been doing. best of luck in whatever happens

Post # 6
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

@mtnhoney:  I also suggest couples therapy. Find a therapist who specializes in seeing primarily couples. The therapist will allow both of you to really evaluate your relationship and help you decide if you can work together as a team and whether marriage is an option in the near future. The therapist will remain neutral, but can facilitate discussion on important points. Good luck.

Post # 8
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

” Husband being insensitive, check.  Husband acting like a child, oh-yeah. Husband being a jerk, you betcha.  Why is it that I can’t just let it go…  Why do I feel like “I deserve better than this” ughhh”

@littledog:  because you do deserve better.  We all have our flaws, but I don’t believe that is should be considered ok for your husband to be a jerk, act like a child etc etc.  Please don’t settle. Maybe you can be with your Fiance and NOT settle – maybe he can work through some of this.  but fundamentally, we are who we are. I think only time will tell if the new him is the permanent him.  I know your age is a concern – I have many single 35 year old friends and I know it is not easy.  But I also know that those who waited for the right guy often still found him – I know at least a few who met their now husbands at age 35 – and were both married and pregnant by 37. 

As a new mother, I can only tell you that having a kid is the most amazing thing when you are with the right partner – it strengthens a good partnership.  But I think that kids can tear apart marriages if you don’t have a strong base.

Post # 9
4663 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

just wondering how you are doing???

Post # 11
47 posts
  • Wedding: December 2012

Im very sorry to hear this, your story is a bit similar to mine but i havent told any of my friends.

I too had problems when he proposed. We got in a fight in Vegas, where he later proposed and i accepted. 

We were living together and my mom said that I should marry before living with a guy otherwise things  could go very bad. So i did pushed him a lot into getting married fast so we planned a small courthouse wedding.

He didnt show up, he told me how sorry he was but he wasnt ready for marriage. a day later he talked to my mom and told her he loved me very much but felt really pressured to get married. That same night we talked together and we both cryied our hearts out he said that now he realized how fool he was and he wanted to marry me he just got really scared, nervous etc. He tried telling me but i was too excited to listen to him.

A month later we got married and been married since for almost 10 months. 

My family really loves him, although our parents dont know each other, his dad works for a baseball team so he;s always on the road so he is very busy. But at the beggining both of my sisters and my dad wanted to kill him They did know about him not showing up, everything is better now that they realized how much he trully loves me hes made a lot of efforts and sacrifices for me,and he gain my family’s heart. wasnt easy but he worked hard for it.

But we are very happy now, I love him to death and now we are planning our religious ceremony in Peru from where I am from. 

I can tell you a lot about a guy feeling pressured, may be the worst feeling of their lives, like being cheating on for us. They hate it.

Guys like doing things their own way and they dont need to marry a mother they need a partner to understand them and walk the same path to them.

What you tell us here is very sad but also leaves something showing, that he hasnt been what a husband should be for you if you’d married him. A husband or partner for life should be someone that supports you not only economically but emotionally. Someone you marry should be someone that no matter what and how hot the water is, he is there even if he is really mad or feeling really bad, he has to show always that he loves you and you’re the most important thing, not himself. If you find that in a person, love, 100% support and caring, among other things then thats the person for you. But if someone shows like you said another personality when hes under pressure, tell me would you like to live like that the rest of your lives?

You are already going through couples counseling, i dont want to sound judgmental, but i thin the first years together you two should be able to fix your problems by yourselves, through talking or doing activities that unite you guys more. Picture your life to him 10-20 years from now and think if you see yourself very happy otherwise there is no point on marrying someone you wont be happy with. 

I wish you the very best, and congrats on your desition because i bet i wasnt easy but it says you have strong charachter you should be able to make a great life for yourself with or without him. we all make mistakes but its love what always comes to surface when its present and strong it overpasses all obstacles, good luck!!

Post # 12
7 posts
  • Wedding: October 2012

You are very brave, im proud that are women like you, you made a very very difficult decision and suffered but im sure you will be absolutely happy.

My grandma married my grandpa+ and she regreted all of her life,she knew something was wrong but she was scared, so she spent 50 years unhappy, so i think you just follow your hearth and you deserve happiness, go girl, life waits for you, God will lead your way ! =D

Post # 14
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t know if i have any real advice for you but i say WAY TO GO by calling it [email protected] even if the two of you end up together, knowing that things werent right and having the balls to so this isn’t happening, that’s courage! there are so many people that would walk into a marriage thinking ” this isn’t working” I hope if he stays this way and helps out and you two are happy that you can end up together. I want whatever is best for you!

Post # 15
288 posts
Helper bee

I know EXACTLY what this feels like.  I had not one but TWO cancelled weddings with my ex.  The first time, I cancelled because his lies caught up to him (he owes a huge tax debt-and they may have put a lien on my house upon marriage. Needless to say, I was ‘annoyed’ that he hadn’t told me.  I found out four months before the wedding! ) But then, because I loved him, didn’t want to give up everything so quickly, had my own period in my life when his support was exactly what I needed, I remained in the relationship.  But not without an agreement, of course.  Or so I thought. After seeing what I thought was committment and progress, we set a 2nd wedding date.  

So, we went to counseling, he assured me that he’d correct his IRS problems, he was supposedly working it out with IRS….submitted an offer in compromise…blah blah blah.  We didn’t live together so I didn’t get to see evidence of such thing.  He told me the IRS only required that he pay $50 a month while it was all pending. He’d show receipts that proved this payment was made every so often.  He tell me and our counselor that he learned his lesson and was sorry and was going to make it up to me.  LIES. LIES. LIES.  While all this was going on, my house was on the market as a short sale because I was willing to walk away from it at the time due to my job having a residency requirement. We decided TOGETHER to get rid of my home and get our own ‘place’ to protect my job, start off our together and married life right, ok?  wrong!   Come to find out, he owed even more back taxes due to penalties and such!  Now it was at a whopping $50K !  I had it!  I told him that we either meet with a tax attorney together and stop these lies or he mustn’t want to be with me.  Sadly, he hit the panic button. He called our venue and cancelled the wedding.  Just like that.  So our old hollywood glam wedding was KAPLOOEY.  The theater, the photographer, the videographer, saxophonist, invites, gown, bm gowns, flower girl, dj, flowers, caterer, honeymoon deposit, etc…..GONE.  SMH

Our engagement photos were done at a historical diner here in our area that is now closed.  We were featured in our local newspaper.  We were also in a wedding-related radio contest.  smh smh He is 12 years older than me so I honestly thought he was more stable, responsible and mature.  Boy was I disappointed to say the least. 

And as if that weren’t bad enough….

As our plans were underway, I was studying and prepping to become a certified wedding planner.  So here I was, gaining tons of contacts, colleagues, etc. and now THE BRAND NEW WEDDING PLANNER CAN’T EVEN HAVE HER OWN DAY.  SMH UNBELIEVEABLE! 

I share all of that with you to say this: 

YOU WILL OVERCOME ALL OF THIS MADNESS.  I DID.  YOU CAN TRY TO WORK IT OUT BUT MOST OFTEN TIMES, IT DOES NOT WORK.  Some serious damage has already been done that has changed your relationship forevermore.  Are you BOTH dedicated to this to put forth the amount of work involved to turn this boat around?  if unsure, then it won’t work.  sorry. 

Did it take time to get over it?  yes.  Did it take strength?  Absolutely.  Hell, still does.  I hate looking at the receipts, at my closet and at anything else that even resembles the wedding that never was.

But I’ve moved on with my life, met a wonderful man and am still open to getting married which is why i’m back on the bee 😉 

Good luck and sending hugs your way! 

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