- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2013
I’m really upset…
FMIL is hosting a bridal shower for me in eleven days and yesterday was the R.S.V.P. date. Well, she called me yesterday afternoon and said “Your aunt just left a message for me and declined, saying her side of the family is hosting a separate shower for you.” What?
Background: My parents were divorced for eighteen years before my father died. There was A LOT of drama at my dad’s calling hours because of my step-mom and I feel that has effected the rest of the family and how they view my mother, hence the recent development. http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/should-i-invite-her-long. Also, it doesn’t help that I have a HUGE family and, traditionally, they invite EVERYONE to weddings (200-300 people) and ALL of the women (100-150 people) to bridal showers, even women who won’t be invited to the wedding. (The bridal showers my family hosts are actually similar to wedding receptions, as they’re super formal and held in banquet halls).
This is not me. At all. My wedding is pretty casual and the shower my FMIL is hosting for me will be, too. (It’s a Retro Housewife themed shower).
My aunt and godmother (Dad’s sister) is the one who called FMIL and completely blind-sided her. I was shocked. FMIL asked if I could speak with my aunt and see what was going on, so I did. (And I apologized a billion times because I felt so bad, even though I had no idea this was going on).
Let me just say I’m inviting eighty people to my wedding and it will be close friends and family only. I’m the first one in my family to have a “small” and non-traditional wedding. My aunt said I was “leaving everyone out” and they wanted to be involved by having a bridal shower for me, but understand I can’t invite them to the wedding due to my budget and limited space. (This will mean that my ENTIRE extended family will be invited to this other shower – most of whom I don’t know or have never met).
So, after I was done talking to my aunt, I called my sister and asked if she knew about this. (I’m ALWAYS the last person to find anything out, including that my own father died, but that’s another story). She said no and called my aunt (they’re really close) and spoke with her about it and then called me back. My sister told me the whole thing was stupid and that she’s mad my dad’s family is being immature about going to my upcoming shower just because our mom will be there. And I agree.
So, I told my FI the story and then he got mad at me because I said, as much I’m embarrassed that they’re doing this to his mother (we’re losing half the guest list and will have a ton of left-over cake, favors, etc. and will not meet the venue’s minimum guest requirement of thirty – forty-eight were invited, and twenty-four will be attending) I’m not arguing with them because things are bad enough and I don’t want to start a family feud right before my wedding. (I don’t want to decline the shower because that will create even more bad blood even though I know it’s bad etiquette and looks “gift-grabby”). FI thinks I never stand up for myself and they’re manipulating me.
The truth is, I feel I should have seen this coming… My dad’s family always hosts huge, elaborate showers for brides and expectant mothers, but I figured they weren’t going to do that for me because a.) I was already having a shower and b.) I never felt like I was part of the family. Ever. So, I guess I assumed they would/expected them to skip over me.
So, once again, I was feeling like I can’t do anything right and after getting in a fight about it, FI apologized since he realized I had nothing to do with this/didn’t ask for them to do this. I just don’t know what to do anymore because I feel everyone has something to say about the way I’m planning this wedding I didn’t even want in the first place and that I have completely lost control of my own wedding. (Originally, FI and I were going to elope or have a private ceremony with immediate family only but our families freaked out and insisted we have a wedding, so now I’m stuck dealing with a bunch of shit I wanted to avoid in the first place). If we didn’t have so much money into this already, I’d just elope.
This is mostly just a rant, but what would you do?