(Closed) Surprise! You're not a bridesmaid! (advice please!)

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If she is really that close of a friend I think you can tell her that you always hear her complaining about wedding stuff and what goes along with it so you are sparing her the torture and want her to enjoy it as a guest.  But I would point out that you clearly are aware of all the complaining that she does, so she knows why. 

Post # 4
Member
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think that is pretty clear cut.  Just say ” I wanted you not to have to deal with the BM stuff, but your are still invited to the showers/bachelorette if you want.”

If i was her, i wouldnt be offended.

Post # 5
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I disagree with PP- I would not bring up her not being a BM.  If you already chose your BM weeks ago, its obvious that she didn’t get picked as one.  Don’t rub salt in the supposed-wound by sugar coating it and assuming that she wouldn’t have wanted to be a BM anyway.

Just ask her to do a reading because you love her/she’s important to you/would love for her to be part of your wedding day.  Don’t ask her to do a reading because she didn’t make the BM cut and you feel guilty.

Post # 7
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@bostongirl27:  I would just say “Hey Sally Mae, FI and I were talking about details of the wedding – we’d love to have you involved and we’d really appreciate it if you were a reader”. If she has any tact at all, she’s not going to ask you why she’s not a BM. And if she does ask you, just say “we wanted to keep our party small, so I only asked so and so and so and so. – you’re very important to us as well, that’s why we want you to have a different position of honor”.

 

ETA: Whoops, just saw that you don’t even want her to read. Well, in that case, don’t bring up the wedding at all. If she brings it up (like, “hey, how’s planning going?”) just say “Everything is going really well – I just asked my BMs last week and they said yes! I can’t wait to party with you and all of our other friends!”

Post # 8
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would only say something if she asks.  It might be more hurtful to her if you go out of your way to tell her she isn’t a bridesmaid, and tell her why.

Post # 9
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@bostongirl27:  Basically what you said is that she hasn’t been supportive of your relationship because you don’t spend as much time with her, and so you don’t want her as part of your wedding? That seems counterintuitive to me. You’re only going to alienate her more, and make her resent your relationship more. Is this person someone you really care about? Do you love this person? Because it sounds to me lik eyou don’t really like her. If that is the case, then let her go. But don’t punish her because she is sad she doesn’t get to spend mor etime with you.

If she’s feeling crappy because you don’t put as much effort into the friendship as you used to, it’s not going to fix things by pushing her away further. Sounds like a quick way to end a friendship. If that’s what your’e going for, then you’re on the right track.

Post # 10
Member
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I vote for don’t bring it up…..if she asks specifically why she was not picked (be surprised if she did), then you can gently tell her why.

Post # 11
Member
7610 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I wouldn’t say a word.  I had a friend who wanted to be a BM and I just never brought it up and she eventually figured it out.  I know she was a bit hurt, but thankfully we never had that conversation.

Post # 12
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Don’t say anything to her. She has made it known that she hated wedding stuff but wants in on your wedding, so if she asks, just tell her the truth.

Post # 14
Member
11328 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think this is basically a relationship changing event here. If you don’t have her in your wedding, it may seriously be the end of your friendship with her (or at least the closeness you have). Whether or not that is right, it is probably the situation. 

If she is honestly a good friend, I would lay it out for her. I would tell her that your initial thought was to have her do a reading instead of being a BM because you know from her bitching how much she hates that, but that upon reflection you feel like she hasn’t been supportive of your relationship and that it makes you sad but you don’t feel like someone who doesn’t love you as a couple should be a part of the wedding. It might be a wakeup call for her to realize that when we become adults, a lot of our friendships become “couples” friendships. Or it might make her walk away– in which case she probably isn’t someone you were going to be friends with long term anyways. I just don’t see the point in hiding your feelings from a friend. 

I had something sort of similar I guess happen during my planning. I did ask my oldest friend to be a BM but I felt like she was really slacking on things and making it harder on my other BM and just basically not caring. I debated saying anything to her about it because I’m not usually one to have Relationship Talks with friends… but I realized that sometimes they are needed and if I loved her and wanted her to be in my life forever, she needed to know my feelings. We had the best 2 hour talk ever and I understood a lot of things from her perspective I didn’t know before. I really feel like it made us closer over all. 

So I guess in sum, I feel like you should just be totally honest for her and let her decide if she really wants to be in your life anymore, in the capacity that you now have time for, as a mostly couple-friendship. 

 

Post # 15
Member
904 posts
Busy bee

I feel like you should expect an end to your friendship after this, too.

Post # 16
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@bostongirl27:  I read the long story. She wanted to hang out with you more than 2 nights a week? That is a BIT over the top. Sounds like she has some dependancy issues. After reading that, I agree with PP that say you just shouldn’t say anything. She’ll get the hint.

And if she does bring it up, be honest. Tell her that you’ve given her plenty of opportunities to be a part of your relationship, and she has made it clear she doesn’t want to be. Tell her your wedding is about your marriage to your SO, not a popularity contest among your friends, so you chose people who you think honor your relationship.

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