Post # 1
So about a month ago I posted this: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/surprises#axzz2TnXKNuYP
This weekend my SO bought me a RHR for my birthday and somehow we got on the topic of engagement rings (not my future one but just them in general lol). I told him that my friend picked hers out and he said he thought that was really weird and he wouldn’t want to do that. When I asked why, he said it should be a surprise.
So I guess my SO is all about the surprises. It got me a little bummed because I have a folder with pretty rings I wanted to share with him when the time comes. I don’t mind him surprising me, but I at least want him to know the general styles that I like and definitely what I don’t like.
So far I’ve loved all the jewelry he’s gotten me, but engagement rings are a lot more permanent lol The 2 rings he’s given me both have halos and one is round while the other is ascher/rectangualr. They also both have pave. Those are great RHRs but for an ering I would prefer a round solitaire, no halo and no pave.
I don’t think he’s buying it any time soon (at least not for another 4-6+ months) but I can’t seem to shake this bummed feeling of him looking at all the wrong rings…
I also want to have this conversation with him so I can tell him that ultimately I will wear and love whatever he gets me, but wouldn’t he want to know the kind of ring I’d get myself (since I know my taste best)? I tried to subtly hint by saying that there’s so many choices, how will he even look, but he wasn’t taking the bait, and I decided to drop it since it’s not a rush.
Do you have any suggestions for broaching this topic in the future? Do you think I should just let him get whatever he wants since he’ll be paying for it? Should I not take any aspect of the surprise away? We have pretty open lines of communication but I feel like this is a sensitive topic because he takes such pride in surprising me with gifts he thinks I’ll love. I have a poor reaction to gifts as is lol (I’ve never been the jump up and down with joy kind of person, I usually just smile and say thank you whether I’m over the moon or not so psyched lol) I don’t want to hurt his feelings either way so I’m not sure what to do. If we talk about it he might get upset because he’ll think I don’t trust his choices, and if we don’t talk I might end up with a ring that I’d never pick out myself (but once again, would love anyway since he got it for me).
Thanks for reading =]
Post # 3
@Kat_Kit2000: (explanation) he said he thought that was really weird and he wouldn’t want to do that. When I asked why, he said it should be a surprise
HINT HINT!!!! I think its ok to show him what you do like, but Im sure if you become stuck on choosing one yourself. He may feel pushed. My problem is the opposite. Like my FI wants me to pick out the ring, I felt soooo uncomfortable shopping with him for erings. It still hasnt been resolved. Ikes! So I just send him emails of ones that I like. So far I like about 20 of them..lol! Thank goodness you dont need a ring to be engaged.. hope this helps a lil.
Post # 4
Well….my DH is the same way. He wanted no input, because he feels like it should be a surprise and it’s up the guy to pick. We’ve been together a LONG time, and my taste has changed a lot over the years. What I showed him forever go is not even close to what I would have wanted now. One day I just flat out showed him some stuff, but never said “I have to have this”. Did he pick out exactly what I would have wanted? No, but what he got is beautiful and something I’m happy with. (Much happier than I would have been had he chosen something I’d shown him years ago)
Post # 5
Time to drop hints! Like, “so and so had such a nice white gold ring on today”
Post # 6
My BF said the same thing when I asked for a timeline. “Nope, that’s a surprise!”
Sigh. And I know he has several of his grandmother’s rings and I think he’s planning to use one of them to propose with. I’m not crazy about this idea for several reasons.
1) I’ve never seen his grandmother’s rings and I don’t like old-fashioned jewelry, which imho, tends to be big, bulky, ostentatious. I’m much more into simple, understated jewelry.
2) It feels like he wouldn’t be putting that much thought at all into what kind of ring I would like. And that bothers me. He needs to put more effort into it.
So I’m sort of in the same boat. I would love to say to him “Can we please go ring shopping and buy a ring instead of using your grandmother’s?”
But I can’t. So I’m resorting to dropping hints about what kind of jewelry I like and hoping that he’ll take the bait.
So for your situation, I also advise you to drop hints. Drop lots and lots of hints!
Post # 7
This whole idea of a surprise drives me insane, and I finally convinced my SO that we had to talk about EVERY aspect of this hugely important decision that concerns us both. I’m French Canadian, and there is little or none of that surprise element in getting engaged or married at home… my parents got engaged 42 years ago, and they talked about it, my mom picked her ring, and they decided everything together. My SO is from Western Canada, so he is of English culture, and he was completely into this surprise thing and me talking about it was pressure. Well, it took me months, but I explained (sometimes emotionnaly, sometimes reasonably) WHY I thought it was so important to discuss everything, since we are both in this, and after a few big fights (this topic is so emotional), well he totally saw my point. Not to shut me up, he really saw it. He even suggested we picked a proposal date together, and he would organize a surprise for that day, but I know when he is going to propose and I picked my ring. 🙂 My parents were visiting this weekend, and I talked to my mom about our projects and showed her the ring (I won’t see her until two months after the proposal). My SO understood, because now, he knows that WE decided to get engaged and married… not HIM 😉
I know it doesn’t work for everyone, but for me, getting a ring on a surprise proposal would not have worked at all! I want to discuss this decision with my SO and I want us to be excited about it together! He is getting used to this way of doing things, but he likes it, because there is so much less pressure on him now.
Good luck with everything, I do hope you get your say in your ring. After all, you will have to wear all your life 😉
Post # 8
My best friend and I handled this issue in two different but (hopefully effective) ways.
1) BFF told me very specifically what she wanted. I hang out with her and her then-boyfriend often, so he knows me pretty well. One day when they had been living together and it was pretty clear they’d be getting engaged eventually, I dropped him an email saying “Hey, BFF has pretty unique taste in jewelry. With her birthday and graduation coming up, I just thought I’d let you know if you’re ever in the market for something for her, I’m more than happy to help!” When he went e-ring shopping he contacted me and when it was clear he was on the WRONG track, I met him at the shop & helped him narrow it down to three that fit what she wanted.
2) While BFF & my favorite cousin both know what I want & my SO knows them, I also posted a few erings on Pinterest. I was playing with SO’s phone the other day and noticed he saved a couple of the pictures! YAY! Success!!!!
Post # 9
I think you should say something! I understand if your SO wants it to be a surprise… But I think that this is a really big deal! I don’t think it would hurt to say “I know you want it to be a surprise and I love the idea of leaving the final decision up to you, but I want you to have an idea of my taste in such an important piece of jewelry. Here are a few pictures for inspiration. Now go surprise me!” Who knows, maybe he’ll find something that’s totally a marriage (get it?) of your tastes. Marriage is all about compromise; you’re compromising by not picking out your ring, hopefully he’ll be happy to compromise by not leaving you 100% out of the conversation. And at least you’ll never wonder if you’d said something if you’d have gotten a ring you were happier with. I think it’s better to have a potentially tense moment now than to have an engagement ring that you can’t stand and never be able to do anything about it!