(Closed) Suspicious of husband & want to hire private investigator

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Should I hire a PI?
    Yes : (62 votes)
    46 %
    No : (74 votes)
    54 %
  • Post # 3
    9142 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    The trust is gone.  If you’re going to hire a PI, go ahead and meet with an attorney as well so you know what you need to do to protect yourself if the PI finds something out.

    Post # 4
    9631 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @temporary:    Are you seriously considering hiring a PI to monitor your husband’s text messages?  Or is there more to this – is he disappearing at odd hours, do you feel he’s really texting someone else (maybe a woman) but using his best friend’s name as a cover?  Do you think he’s cheating on you?

    It seems if the issue has gotten this serious you need to talk with your husband about it and maybe get some marriage counseling.  Hiring a PI seems extreme to me, not to mention expensive.  Have you done any snooping for yourself? 

    Post # 5
    7312 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    @beachbride1216:  Great advice.

    OP- you may be opening Pandora’s box. Just prepare yourself, emotionally and legally, for whatever you may find inside.

    Post # 8
    300 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @temporary:  Is this seriously an option? I didn’t even know this was a ‘done’ thing???

    What about talking in depth with your husband about all of this? You know, the old fashioned way. I don’t mean to sound harsh but it seems like your communication skills are lacking somewhat. I’m sorry you are experiencing doubts about your husbands sexuality and that must be very hard to deal with, which is why it’s so important you talk to him.

    You may want to consider that your husband may have bisexual feelings, maybe he showed you the messages with the hope of you finding them exciting and/or hoping for a threesome? I don’t want to upset you further but these issues need to be highlighted through talking to your husband rather than sneeking around behind his back.

    Post # 9
    11273 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @temporary:  are you thinking that your dh and his guy friend are more than just friends?  that would explain the porn.  have you met this guy friend?  what is he like?  how does your dh act around him?  how often are they together?

    Post # 11
    9142 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @EnglishWifey:  EW makes a good point that you should talk to your husband about your suspicions first.  If you aren’t willing to do that then you have lost your trust in him.  Hiring a PI is never a good thing.  If he finds something you don’t like, then you have to confront your husband with it and then what?  Your husband is going to feel violated and it is very unlikely that he will trust you after that.  If the PI doesn’t find anything, is that going to be the end of it?  Or will you think that your husband is just doing a good job of hiding it.  Everything points to the fact that you no longer trust your husband and if you can’t trust your husband, your marriage is in serious trouble.

    Post # 12
    349 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2008

    I doubt if hiring a PI is ever the answer. Even if the PI doesn’t find a single thing, you still have the problem of ‘you don’t trust your husband to the point where you are thinking of/actually hiring someone to dig up info on him.’ Sounds like something you should try addressing with him straightaway, before you go the route of a PI. 

    Post # 13
    9142 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    P.S. I think your suspicions are justified.  I too would be concerned if my husband showed that type of behavior.

    Post # 14
    9917 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Before you call up Veronica at Mars Investigations, please talk to your fiance.  Say, “Honey, it makes me really uncomfortable that you text all the time to [friend’s name].  Why do you do it?  Is something going on that I should know about?”  and if he refuses to answer, press the issue.  You’re his WIFE — not a friend, not a girlfriend, and not even just a fiance.  

    Post # 15
    2605 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @temporary:  Okay, so, if I’m reading you right, you are suspicious that your husband and his Boyfriend or Best Friend are involved in a gay relationship with one another, yes?

    I think my first course of action would be to find a block of time in which you won’t be interrupted and ask your husband to talk.

    Tell him that the frequency with which he texts his friends bothers you because you feel it intrudes on your time together and because his behavior towards you changes when they are texting. 

    Then tell him the that the sheer frequency and amount of time they spend texting coupled with the content of their texts seems very off to you and out of the bounds of normal, simple friendship.

    Tell him that at a minimum, they seem extremely co-dependent for men their age and you have reached a point where you are questioning the nature of their relationship.  Ask him if he thinks the frequency and content of their interactions seem normal and healthy to him and then hear him out.

    He’s likely to be offended and get defensive.  Try to diffuse it so you can have a real discussion that doesn’t devolve into an argument. 

    I wouldn’t even consider a detective until you’ve asked the question in a very forthright manner and received an answer.  If, after that, you still feel he is deceiving you, then proceed as you think best.  My only caution would be that you only proceed with a PI if you really, honestly feel he’s hiding something.  Because if you’re not sure, or just want to hire a PI to make a point – then you risk ruining your relationship. 

    Post # 16
    1992 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @temporary:  I think you might have to just be a little more honest about how you feel and if your husband is a reasonable man, he’ll adjust his behavior.

    My husband gets txts throughout the day from about 2-3 friends all involving different kinds of photos that are pretty gross to me but sometimes involve nudity or poop or whatever… its immature and I wouldn’t love getting those txts but I write it off as a guy thing and move on.

    I think your husband is doing the same.

    The way guys communicate is way different than many girls. Non-verbal is their comfort zone. If he doesn’t have a password on his phone and he’s forthcoming with information when you ask him, I don’t think he’s cheating on you… he could be helping that friend with some issues or maybe vice versa.

    I don’t think you need a PI. It doesn’t sound like you’ve made any progress in talking to him yourself so I think you need to sit down with him and talk to him about it and be honest about the way you feel it changes your relationship when he’s constantly in a text convo instead of in the moment with you. He might get defensive but you should try to be gentle and just ask for a low-down on whats going on. You’re his wife, you can ask – its not being nosey because it effects you too.

    If you don’t make any progress that way and things continue, I might consider snooping in his phone or around his email or maybe even the friend… then if I find something incriminating then maaaaybe a PI – but I still think that’s pretty extreme.

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