Post # 1
you guys are always so great! I have a question about a friend. I feel like a B – for the last week or so I have rolled my eyes every time she messages me. I have only replied a couple times. I have my own stuff going on right now. I have been extremely busy/stressed and just dont even want to deal with her. I sound horrible, but it is the truth.
Why am i such a mean friend? She is a nice enough girl and very sweet. We talk a lot and love the same shows. We worked together for a year and she considers me one of her best friends. Her other close friend is her sister.. and they aren’t that close to be honest. They never discuss guys really, so it ALL comes to me. It has been over a year of THE SAME CRAP!
Every other week she comes to me complaining about this guy (and she met him about a month after i met her and he is still in the picture). She gets upset that he only comes over after 11pm, they never go OUT, he talks to other girls, he posts pictures of him kissing other girls, he will go days and sometimes weeks without responding to her texts/calls. He has told her so many times he isn’t looking for a relationship and she comes to me freaking out like they were in some sort of exclusive monogamous relationship. We go through the motions of “oh he is such an asshole, you deserve better, he will never change” and her agreeing completely and asking me how to word her “break up texts” then two days later she will tell me she sent him hello and he hasnt repsonded and she is so sad. We go through it again saying “leave him alone, you need to move on etc” and then a week later telling me she is hanging out with him with little winky faces. A WHOLE YEAR! and this is just the gist of it. He is also mean to her when she gets too “clingy” with her texting. He stands her up constantly – we are talking 3 times in a span of 4 days.
I have been encouraging her to date other guys, but at the same time she is very superficial and specific about the type of guy she wants. She wont date the nice ones! She kept hooking up with her neighbor everytime she was lonely even though EVERY SINGLE TIME after he would make her cry. She wasnt allowed to kiss him during, he would say awful and demeaning things to her after and one time he even yelled and pushed her to the ground. She started dating another guy about 2 months ago (meanwhile talking to the old one) and it seemed great, she told me he had been staying over and i was happy for her. Until 2 weeks later she started to say some things that seemed weird and that he was possibly using her. The next week she flat out told me she thought he was and when i asked for a little more info i told her there was no ifs, ands or buts about it! He basically lived there, stayed in her house while she was gone all day, ate her food, they never went OUT, he used her car at nights sometimes coming back at 5am, also took it on the weekends, she “lent” him money for his tattoo etc. I told her she needed to end it and she agreed. Then texts me a few days later about how he is yelling at her because she needed to use her OWN car one friday night, she also said he has been messaging his ex and told her he didnt want a relationship either – so i told her to kick him out.
Two days later she said he was back. i asked why and she said he had no where to go? Pretty sure a month ago he was living with his mom, he can go back. I just replied “i dont even know what to say” and stopped texting. Then she invites me and SO over to watch a fight this weekend – i just replied “we will see”. I know people will say i should cut this toxicity out of my life, but she can also be great when i need someone to talk to (but come on, i have asked for advice like 3 times over our whole friendship!) or i could ask her not to talk to me about it – but she has no one to talk to. I know she doesnt listen to me, but if i am not there, there will be no one to try and talk some sense into her and I am scared she will make some really bad choices and put herself in a scary situation. I am so tired of trying to build her up and encourage her.
Post # 2
leisha606: A true friendship is a lot more than having someone to talk about relationship issues with!! It is someone whom you can sit and talk about nothing with, and still have the best time ever to someone whom you call upon when you have great news, sad news, or even need a pedicure and do not want to go alone!!
If all of this applies to you and your gf, then I think her choice in men/relationships is not necessarily toxic to the friendship, but rather toxic to herself. This does not mean you have to ‘cut all ties’ with her, if she is someone of value to you, but you certainly need to/can tell her that you two need to agree to disagree on the course of actions she takes with these men, and so there is no point in beating a dead horse over ‘what she should do next’, because she ultimately will do what she wants!! However, in the meantime, you cannot keep listening to the same woes, so you two should no longer discuss the issue!
What you may find is that in NOT discussing her relationships, or even yours, the friendship may end as well, because there was no other ‘value’ in it…if that makes sense!
Post # 3
It’s hard when someone asks you for advice and then keeps making the same mistake over and over again. There are some people who would rather have the drama or wallow in their own self-pity than actively look for a solution. I guess you have to weigh whether or not you can deal with that. I had a friend who complained everyday about how much she hated her job and wanted to move. She would constantly ask for advice about how to find a better job and whenever our mutual friend and I tried to help her, she’d have this excuse or that–she’d just rather complain everyday about how much her job sucked. Then it became how much her life sucked. We tried to be encouraging, but it’s hard when she was negative every single day about every single thing. I felt like a bad friend, but I had to eventually move on from the friendship. The negativity and drama really wore me down and was pretty toxic.
I guess you have to weigh if you can deal with your friend’s constant drama and still maintain a relationship with her. Sorry–not the best advice, I guess. :/
Post # 4
leisha606: I had a situation similar where I watched a friend just continue to make ridiculous choices about relationships. I guess this will sound harsh but I finally got bored to death of her since every single interaction was about the drama surrounding her different hook-ups. She talked about these asshole men so much that it pretty much became the equivalent of her talking about her cat every day to me for hours on end and how she just couldn’t understand why the cat was scratching her furniture when she never got the cat declawed. And my advice was the same “he’s an ass/get away from him/blahblahblah” and that was just as repetitive and was never followed. Just like you, I got to a point where I’d see her messages and I would just cringe.
We all get fixated on our own issues, but most of us know when to let it go and move on from it.
I’d slowly let this one go. Its not so much she’s a bad friend, but really, what do you have in common with her anymore?
Post # 5
I think what you are going through is just a part of friendship. I have had several friends whom go through the same cycle of drama, with the same people/boys over and over. You find yourself repeating your advice and they do it again. BUT, this is being their friend. If this person provides positive qualities in your life and you feel that you can depend on her and she will be there for you, then she is worth it. But, if you feel this friendship is only once sided then you should move on.
Post # 6
OUgal0004: Totally makes sense, actually. I think that is what our friendship started off as and then somewhere along the way it became all about her problems. It is not like she doesn’t ask how my day was – but its just i obviously don’t have as much to talk about lol.
MrsYokiman: Yes! Everyone is entitled to complain and even about things they *could* change, but only up to a certain point. Then it is like come on – do something or shut up LOL.
the_newlymintedmrs-s17: Were you friends with her before? lol. It just boggles my mind sometimes how you can still be “attracted” to these guys. I guess personality is just a huge part of attraction to me. There have been plenty of hot guys that i turned down because their personality was junk. She only dates fit black guys. No joke. They have all been personal trainers, PE assistants etc. Whatever dude, if that makes you happy.
And that is the thing i know she isn’t bad. She is a very sweet friend. We can have great convos if the topic is on something else, but at the same time – even when we talk about something else sometimes i will still be irritated at her. Like she will change the subject and im still thinking “how can you be so dumb and have such little respect for yourself?” Which is mean and then i feel bad. But it is just mind boggling sometimes.
Post # 7
leisha606: Dang, that is SAD. Who damaged this girl so that she has so little self respect?
At this point, I think you have tried to help her change, but it’s not going to happen. Therefore, I think your responsibility is now to yourself. There is no reason you should be dragged into all this repetitive drama.
Since you’ve already tried telling her to change her behavior and she ignores you, I would invite her out for drinks and have a heart-to-heart with her. I would tell her that you think she’s making really self destructive decisions and that it hurts you to see her disrespect herself this way when she knows better. I’d tell her that she is a grown woman and is entitled to make her own decisions, but you are no longer willing to be her sounding board, since your advice is ignored and it hurts you to know what’s going on. Let her know that if you two are going to remain friends you’ll need to base your relationship on something other than her boy drama and you don’t want to hear about it anymore. If she can’t handle that, then you should go your seperate ways.
This girl is not your lifelong friend. I don’t think it’s terrible if you cut her out of your life for being a self destructive drama queen. We are a composite of the people that we spend time with. I wouldn’t want this person dragging me down.
Post # 8
AnnieAAA: Thank you for providing the other side of the debate.
I do think she would be there for me if something happened. I think i am just really irritated with her at the moment as i am starting to see that this drama is her, not caused by the guy. And it is something i may have to always deal with. Perhaps this is my fault too. I have been having this “bla feeling” every time she texts me that i no longer want to text her and initiate conversations about other subjects. I should try harder as she doesn’t have a lot of friends to talk to.
Post # 9
cbgg: I agree whole heartedly with this response. You seem like you are growing ever more weary and tired of her drama so it might be time to let her know that the conversation about these loser guys ends NOW! Then see where the rest of it goes…
Post # 10
cbgg: I actually might try this. I mean it is not anything i haven’t said before, but it is usually in the moment when she is complaining about something. Maybe to actually bring it up in a different setting when she is not in an emotional state and bring it up as a whole rather than focusing on patricular incidents may help her see it in a different light?
Post # 11
UPDATE: I havent been able to sit down with her and have a good talk. I have been moving these past few weeks and have barely even talked to her through text.
I finally caught up a little today through emailing at work and this guy STILL lives there though she has asked him to leave multiple times. He says ok and then doesnt or that he needs time to figure out where he is going to go. He never even officially moved in – just started staying over and never went home! He still takes her car out til 5am and barely sees her – doesnt pay rent etc etc. I told her to call the cops, but she doesn’t want to be “mean”. She said sometimes he will act like nothing happened and they might have a nice afternoon of hanging out so she doesn’t bring it up.
on one hand im just like W T F!!! but part of me fears for her safety. I dont like this guy being in the house with her and having this kind of control. I have asked her to call the cops and clearly expressed my concerns. I even said just to pack up his crap and throw it on the lawn but nope!