Post # 1
Let’s start off by saying that I’ve asked repeatedly for a timeline and he’s given me multiple answers (one year, year and a half, three years) and finally just said, “It’ll happen when it happens.”
I wanted to be engaged before 2015, which I really don’t think is an unreasonable request. I’m not asking for a proposal right this second, just not five years from now!
I’ve just kind of given up at this point, and I switched my Christmas present ring from two years ago to my right hand. I told him when he thinks that I’m worth it, he’ll put a ring on that finger. Seeing a ring on my left hand ring finger just gives me false hope and it’s honestly making me (more) depressed.
Post # 3
He’s turning 24, and you’re 21 and have been together for two years. I honestly think it would be better if you held back on pushing him, and tried to be a bit more patient. The more you mention it, the more some guys get pushed away! You don’t want him proposing just to appease you!
“I had a nice long, uncomfortable, talk fight discussion and it basically pans out that while he wants to marry me, he doesn’t see himself getting engaged at 24. Or 25. Or 26.
So whether I like it or not, I’m waiting. The problem isn’t that he’s not ready, which is nice, he just thinks he’s too young to make that kind of committment.”
It sounds like he doesn’t want to rush into getting married young. You have to respect him for that, and let him come to the decision with time.
Post # 4
@musician32992: You will be hard-pressed to find many guys at the age of 24 ready to walk down the aisle. Many are just getting out of college or just starting out working in the real world and are in no way established. When I was 21, I started dating a 30 year old, and thought for sure that a “man” would be ready for marriage. 2ish years in we werent engaged so I asked him what his timeline was. His response? “‘Timeline’? What? I’m not ready to get married, and I’m not sure when I will be.” This was a 32 year old (by that point) “grown man” who owned his own business and was established…but *still* wasnt ready to be married.
My point: he is still young as far as men in the realm of marriage. You’ll have to decide if you want to wait him out.
Post # 5
@badabing88: The thing that frustrates me is he talks all the time about how much he wants to marry me and be married to me already, but he’s refusing to talk about engagement…which is the first step TO marriage, so talk about mixed signals!
Post # 6
@badabing88: Same thing happened to me. I dated a man in his early 30’s when I was 19-21. I found out near the end that he didn’t know if he wanted to get married or have kids.
I decided that if he didn’t know at that point, he probably wouldn’t ever. I didn’t know if I wanted to get married or have kids, but I still wanted that option to change my mind because I was young. I didn’t really get excited about marriage until recently (I’m 27), and I have also decided I do not6 want kids in the past couple years.
Post # 7
@musician32992: Be happy that he is willing to talk about it at all given his age. Take comfort in the fact that he does want to, but be wary of pushing him away. He will come to resent you, and no one wants to forced into marrying someone (a relationship like that will never last).
This is a lifelong commitment not to be taken lightly and he deserves respect and time to decide on his own if he’s ready to do that. My Fiance never would have proposed in his early twenties. I got him in his late twenties and I always say I got the best of him. I wouldn’t have wanted to marry him in his early twenties anyway to be honest 😛
Enjoy life, enjoy time with him and show him with actions rather than words that you are the person he should commit to for life 🙂
Post # 8
@MissFemmeFatale: we don’t want any of our own either. I had run into that issue dating many times: I’d meet a nice guy and we’d go on a couple dates, then he’d try to see if we were on the same page about kids and I’d have to end it right there. It was kind of an ugly cycle. I remember worrying that my SO would want kids since he was late in his 30’s when we met…but on maybe our 3rd date we saw a family with a really cute little girl and he said “yeah, they’re cute…but I dont want any. Hope that’s ok.” Okay? I all but did a back flip!
@musician32992: now *that’s* another issue. It certainly isnt fair to you to continue to tease you like that, but perhaps he’s sincere about his desire to marry you but just isnt ready yet.
Post # 9
If he says he wants to be married to you, he wants to be married to you. He probably isn’t proposing now because you are so young. I understand that it’s hard to wait for a proposal, but if he assures you that he wants to be with you he is probably being honest.
Post # 10
I’ve been with my bf for off and on TEN years. We started dating when we were 15, almost 16. We still aren’t engaged, though our timeline is by the end of this year. Let me give you a little perspective.. The MAJORITY of couples that have gotten married since we graduated high school are now DIVORCED, most with KIDS. We are still together. Some are on their second marriages! Our relationship has actually outlasted multiple marriages of his PARENTS. I try to remind myself that IF we are going to be together FOREVER, it doesn’t matter how long we are together before getting married. When we are 100 and have been together for 85 years, I’m not going to be mad that we have only been married for 75. You get what I mean? It’s hard, and I definitely struggle, because it’s been SOO LONG. But at the end of the day, I’m happy. WE are happy! And being in a solid, commited relationship is wonderful and admirable. I also have a promise ring, but I have always worn it on my right hand. Try and be happy that he gave you a token of his commitment, and know that THAT is a stepping stone in the right direction.
Post # 11
@musician32992: This is why I stopped dating guys in their 20s! I can’t deal with the immaturity.
At least your guy is being honest, though, and it is good that he isn’t rushing into it. You’re 21, he’s 24 right? I know it probably doesn’t help, but that’s VERY young.
I’m going to be 28 before I’m engaged. And that’s ok. I waited this long lol. I wanted to get married at 21 as well… but I am glad I did not marry the person I was with.
I know it’s scary not knowing, and worrying that you’ll waste all your good years or whatever on him… but I think it’ll be just fine. I would hold off on living together if you can – that might push him in the right direction. He’s talking about marriage – I know it’s mixed signals, but it’s a good sign.
Post # 12
I think your SO is smart to wait. I think he is being honest and upfront about not being ready. I also think that 21 is too young to be so obsessed with marriage. You’ve been an adult for about 2 seconds….he is right to want to experience life a bit before making that kind of committment!
Post # 13
I think it’s normal for a young man not to want to necessarily rush into marriage at that age.
However, I do understand just wanting to know *when* he feels like he might be ready. Even if he comes out and says, “It’s not happening until I’m 30,” that would make me feel better than him saying he doesn’t know when it’ll happen. (Because what if after all he decides he doesn’t actually want to get married?)
My husband is 22. We dated nearly 5 years before getting married. He always told me that we would get married as soon as he finished grad school. Obviously he surprised me and it happened sooner, but it felt better knowing that he had a plan- not just for our marriage, but for his life in general. He knows what he wants- kids, where he wants to work, the kind of life he wants for us- and those kind of goals are important.
Post # 14
My fiance and I have been together since we were 17. He proposed last year. After 10 years. When they are ready they are ready. If you push it, you will push him away. I have learned being together for 11 years now, the “marriage” is not as important as our committment to each other. Yes, its nice to plan, but I would still be with him today, tomorrow, 5, and 10 years from now, married or “waiting”.
Post # 15
I was engaged at 23 to a guy the same age who didn’t think he was ready for marriage. Instead of telling me this, he instead accepted my proposal (yeah, I went there) and spent a year of our planned 2-year engagement going along with everything. Finally, things came to a head just about this time a year ago and it came out that he wasn’t ready for marriage or a family and didn’t know WHEN he’d be ready. It hurt a lot that he had strung me along and was approaching our future with a go-with-the-flow attitude.
Please, please accept that he’s being honest with you when he says he isn’t ready. Truthfully, at 21 I don’t really think it’s wise to get engaged anyway – you’re going to change a LOT in the next 4 years or so, and you will probably be thankful to have had that time to grow into who you are as a person – whether in a relationship or not.
He may be talking about being married to you as an abstract concept – kinda like talking about what jobs you want as a kid. You KNOW you want something like it, but you aren’t at a point where you can take the steps necessary to make it a reality yet.
Post # 16
Don’t push him too much. Yes it’s one thing to talk about being married or wanting to be married, it’s another to go the actual next step. You are both still young. How do I know? My Fi and I are young, too. We just got engaged last August, 2 days after our 7 year anniversary at the ages of 25 and 26. I was a waiting bee for a WHILE. The more I would ask about it, the less he would want to talk about it and I would get varying timelines. The point is that he is right: it will happen when it happens. If you push him, you’ll always wonder if he did it because he really wanted to, or if he did it to placate you. But I understand your frustration. I stopped wearing my promise ring almost over a year before be proposed.