Post # 1
Hi evryone I’m Sara I’m 17 and recently got engaged to my 22 year old boyfriend. The thing is though we both come from broken homes and so are view of marriage has kind of been tainted, I have still always wanted to get married but there has always that small thought in the back of my mind that it could end up in a messy divorce.
So we were thinking about maybe having a non-legally binding wedding. Where we can say are own vows exchange rings etc But without the legal ties. To us marriage means more than a piece of paper but we are worried about what people would think or wether we should tell people. What do you think of the idea?
Post # 3
Even though it’s just a symbolic thing, I think this is a really terrible idea and don’t really see the point in doing it.
My FI and I are both from “broken homes” and neither of us ever saw ourselves getting married, but here we are. By all accounts, we’re doing great. We’re also in our late 20s/early 30s.
My big question here is what does a 22 year old want with a 17 year old? You’re not even a legal adult yet. Not only that, but 17 and 22 are VERY different places in your lives as far as what your goal is, what you want RIGHT NOW, and what you’re going to want in the future.
Can you not just keep dating, go to college, get great jobs, and THEN see where you’re at?
ETA: Rereading this, it sounds kind of harsh, and that’s not my intention at all. I’m just trying to lay it out for you.
Post # 4
@vorpalette: +1, I agree.
I thought this post was going to be similar to what FI and I are doing. We are legally married, but we didn’t have a ceremony. We are planning one for next year, but it is mostly for my parents and pictures because we are already married. It is “symbolic” but will still be meaningful. I am not sure the point of getting married if it isn’t legal…and actually, is it legal for an adult to marry a minor anyway?
Post # 5
Just warning you, I’m doing the same thing, I will be 30 when we have our wedding, I’m calling it a wedding cuz I want to!!!, and opened a post on this subject and was attacked by the other bees. a marriage is the union of two people. And honestly, you are still young, if this is what you want, I say go for it. Don’t let your decision be made by any one other them You and your significant other. Best of luck to the both of You!
Post # 6
@MrsPanda99: It depends on local and state laws.
Several bees made a really good point in @MrsPocahontas: thread:
The point of marriage, that is, the legality/piece of paper bit, IS the important part. When you are legally married, you are seen, in the eyes of the law, as partners. So if your other half gets seriously injured, you will be allowed in the hospital, allowed to make decisions regarding his or her health, reap a number of legal benefits, and if your other half dies, you are considered next of kin. That is a huge reason that marriage is not to be taken lightly.
I’ll quote a user who said: “There is a lot more to it than just paper that you might be able to use.”
I know that someone made the point about same-sex marriages, and I’m sorry, but that’s not the same thing at all. In a number of places in the US, same-sex marriages aren’t legal, but there are places where the marriage is legal/recognized. Where they ARE legal, they have the same LEGAL benefits that a heterosexual marriage has.
A marriage that is NOT legal gives you no benefits whatsoever. You can have a commitment ceremony, but is that really what you want at 17?
Post # 7
You can have a non-legal handfasting.
I also do not like the idea of a 17 going into such a large commitment. but….maybe a PROMISE ceremoney. Um….gothere is a book….. lemme look….
Read the section on non-legal handfasting for minors.
I got the kindle version
Post # 8
@vorpalette: I would think parental permission would be required, but maybe I’m wrong. I’d be very upset if it was my daughter :-
Post # 9
@youngbride22: The point of the matter, it’s your choice and your life if this is what you want to do. And it will be you who has to live with the consequences of your actions.
My wisdom: Enjoy the time you spend with each other, heck move in with each other if that’s what you want to do, but entering into marriage or a fake marriage will not make your relationship any stronger. I think you’re rushing what should be a natural progression and a serious commitment between two adult parties.
(What are your dreams? What are your passions in life? How will you support yourself? What happens if for whatever reason you two are no longer together? If you have a child from this relationship, how will you support it and yourself? What type of life do you want to have now, when you’re 30, 40, 50, and beyond?)
There are very few people who are the same at 17 as they are at 30, 40, 50, and beyond. Take your time and enjoy your youth because before you know it, you’ll have bigger problems to deal with than this.
Post # 10
@MrsPanda99: From my county’s website:
- Persons 16 and 17 years of age must show a certified copy of their birth certificate. Written consent of one parent or legal guardian, who must appear at the time of application, will be required. A driver’s license or photo ID of the consenting parent is required. If parents are divorced, custodianship must be proven and a driver’s license or photo ID must be shown by the custodial parent.
Post # 11
I really think you should wait. I don’t see the urge if it’s not legal. If you want a symbolic engagement with your boyfriend, you don’t have to throw a ”wedding”. Havea romantic week-end somewhere, just the two of you, exchange vows that are meaningful and rings if you want to. There you have it. Emotional, sentimental, romantic and loving. But non-official.
After that, if one day you want to really get married, chances are you will have saved some money and will be able to have a wedding and your families will join you to celebrate your new stage of life.
Post # 12
thanks for the response. I do get what people are saying and I totally respect your opinion I think the most important thing to us is that we and are friends and families recognise that we love each other and want to spend the rest of are lives together. Without being Legally obligated to one and other. And that the only thing keeping us together is are love and the promises we made ourselves. I really just wanted to see what peoples gut reaction was and whether they would be able to get there heads around it.
Oh and in answer to vorpalette we have known each other since we were kids are mums have been best friends since they were teenagers and his mum is actually my god mother. So I have known him my whole life. And we have been together for a year +.
Post # 13
Whatever you and your FI decide to do is certainly up to the two of you.
However, based on your post from earlier this morning, I think it would only be fair that you inform your guests if you will be having a commitment ceremony and not an actual wedding, especially since you are planning to have a destination wedding and are considering asking your guests for a contribution of 75 British Pounds Sterling for each adult to attend your wedding and 10 British Pounds Sterling for each child. Their decision regarding whether or not to incur travel expenses as well as these other costs may be affected by this information.
Post # 14
No. You just want a pretty pretty princess day. The point of a wedding is toget legally married. Wait 5 to 10 years.
Post # 15
@Brielle: What? Oh god no. OP, first you can’t charge your guests. Second, you have to be honest with them. Again, wait until you and your boyfriend both have stable, good paying jobs and are both adults in the eyes of the law, then either stay together with no pretty princess day or have a wedding and get married.
Post # 16
I’m going to get flamed for this. It’s ok. I’ve got my fire extinguisher ready.
@youngbride22: you said, “we have known each other since we were kids“. You’re 17. You ARE a kid. A 17-year-old is in no shape to be married to anyone– let alone a 22-year-old. You do realize that you’re just barely able to legally consent?
At 17, I still had my learner’s permit and was getting ready to graduate high school. At 22, I was more concerned with partying and being selfish than I was with finding a potential life partner.
A five-year age difference is not a big deal at all when you’re talking about people who are, for example 20 and 25. But the mental, emotional, physical, and psychological differences between a 17 and 22-year-old are HUGE.
I think you should let go of the “commitment ceremony” idea, back off of the relationship for about 3 years, and spend some time being a kid.