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I want to address something that came up in the comments to a post recently. It really bothers me when people say that decisions a bride made based on budget constraints are "tacky." Things that I have variously heard people address as "tacky" include: not having an open bar, not paying for bridesmaids' dresses, not giving all single people plus-ones, not having wedding favors. Honestly, in some way, it really hurts my feelings when people toss off these judgments on others, labeling other brides "tacky" for doing these things. The fact is that many of us do not have any family or other help in paying for our weddings. We have to put together our entire weddings on our own. This involves a level of fiscal responsibility and stress, and doesn't allow us to get everything we want. In a perfect world, my husband and I would have included all of the above things in our wedding, but we simply couldn't afford it if we wanted to have all of our families and friends with us. And in a lot of ways I feel really guilty about the things we had to pare down for our budget. Like I'm some sort of terrible selfish person because we didn't have the money to do these things. When commenters label these choices -- without knowing anyone's circumstancs -- as TACKY, it really stinks. It makes me feel judged and guilty and depressed about the apparently "tacky" wedding I had.
We tried to put together a party that was wonderful for our guests, and we did a lot of research and hard work to fit the important things into our budget. I hope that some commenters (including bees) can be a little more sensitive to us "poor relations" when they think to pronounce a blanket judgment of "tacky."
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Mrs. Bee also noticed the power of the word "tacky" in that thread, and will be writng a post about it soon!
Not everybody is Melania Trump and can afford a 1,000,000 $ wedding. This economy is leaving something to be desired. I think in a time/day like this, that creativity and effort can overcome alot of preconceived notions with regard to wedding planning. I haven't read that thread but it sounds like you had a lovely wedding Chicagowife !
This site has plenty of creative brides out there (and a few grooms) and I can tell you! One of my coworkers is getting married soon. Her parents are not cooperating due to an ethnicity issue which is very sad. They are lovely people (my friend and his fiance) and they are paying for their own wedding. It is gonna be about a 10k wedding..maybe even a bit less! They have a gorgeous venue, good food, not having an open bar, but will have lovely flowers and I think it's freakin' amazing on their own to have that! He's been such an active part of their wedding planning along with her and it's a team effort to keep their costs down. But if you are creative and work with the $$ you have, I think preconceived notions (aka tacky) can be tossed out the door!
I wrote a really short post about the use of tacky not too long ago, because I felt the same way you do! I loved that this post over at offbeat bride was brought back up:
http://offbeatbride.com/2008/07/tacky#referrer
Just remember that one man's trash is another man's treasure...what one person thinks is tacky is someone else's idea of a perfect idea!
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As a bride, you absolutely are not required to purchase bridesmaid gowns. You should, however, consider your bridesmaids' ability to pay and the potential reusability of your dresses before choosing a gown.
Similarly, if a couple cannot afford a sit-down dinner with an open bar, it is perfectly acceptable to have another type of wedding. A mid-afternoon brunch could be quite intimate and lovely. A wedding held at a time other than a Saturday night or off-season can help a couple save on costs. Favors are not required, and traditionally plus ones are not required unless a couple is engaged or married (although today one should consider needing to invite couples cohabitating and those in a deeply committed relationships who have chosen not to get married).
Aww, Chicagowife, I know exactly what you mean. We don't have all the money in the world to put into our wedding, but we are doing the best we can with the resources we have available. We are making an effort to follow traditional wedding etiquette, but there are a few "nice to have" items which we cannot include. As I'm sure you know, these were VERY difficult decisions to make and were not taken lightly. When these decisions are labeled with any negative term (in this case, "tacky") it's very upsetting and insulting.
If someone on weddingbee (or anywhere really) disagrees with a wedding-related decision I have made, it would be more helpful (and less hurtful) if he/she could avoid labeling the decision with a negative term and instead focus on offering alternatives or even just an explanation for why they don't agree with the decision.
I LOVE WeddingBee because it allows me to get feedback from others. If I post about an idea that another person thinks is terrible or could be improved, I really do hope that he/she will tell me his/her opinions! I just hope it will be done in a respectful, sensitive manner.
Chicagowife I totally agree with you!!! Some people can just be rude! (Don't know the post you're referring to, but that's prolly a good thing...) Both of my brothers had $1000 weddings. No, there's no missing "0." And it would be hurtful to say that anything they did was tacky, just because they didn't have the cash to put toward all the things people have come to expect nowadays. You should only ever expect three things at a wedding: a bride, a groom, and an officiant. The rest is icing on the cake (pun intended!).
Chicagowife, I'm pretty sure I know what specific thread you're referring to, and I do think those comments were out of line. People will always do things differently, and only the bride and groom can decide where the intersection is between what they CAN do and what others WANT them to do. Just because that line isn't drawn in the same place for every couple doesn't mean their decisions should be looked down upon.
Thank you for reminding us all to consider our words carefully, and to be mindful of others' feelings. I think this is especially true here, since weddings are so emotionally fraught in the first place, but of course it's true in everyday life as well.
I will admit that in a recent post, writing "no boxed gifts" on cards, I replied that it was tacky. Actually, I repeated tacky a good 3 or 4 times. I am also not one to apologize either- and I am not going to here.
In my opinion, this site is supposed to be supportive but if you are asking for anonymous advice you are going to get a wide range of anonymous answers from people in different stations in life who have different opinions. The way I look at it, these are the best answers you are going to get from people because your guests certainly, or at least hopefully, won't tell you what they are thinking.
But I would never call something tacky because of money constraints. That is rude. My wedding is going to be mostly DIY and my wedding budget is pretty teenie-tiny.
Just remember that it is your day and the only people who need to be happy in the end are you and your guy (or girl!).
I think this is a major reason why I have not posted much. Brides found out I was having a Monday wedding and I was told I was not being considerate of my guests. I think most brides and grooms do what is best for them while trying to be accomodating towards their guests. If I were to try to have a open bar, giving all single guests a +1, etc. I would never have been able to have a Saturday night wedding. Knowing my guest list made having a summer Monday wedding was easier for my guests than having a Saturday wedding during the school year. Unfortunately we have all judged others at one point or another, but in the long run hearing multiple points of views is helpful.
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With all of the different cultures and customs in this country, its not unreasonable to assume that there will be differences of opinion when it comes to etiquette. People often forget the power of their words though. What's tacky to one may be the norm for another. I would like to think that when people throw this word around, they aren't delibrately trying to insult you or anyone else reading.
One example is the guest book attendant. I had never heard of this position, and was told it would be "tacky" not to have one. Well, maybe other regions, but where I live it would be an unusual thing to do.
I wouldn't take it personally. You should be proud that you were able to plan and pay for your wedding on your own. 
Thanks for everyone's responses. I realize that it's an online forum where one is likely to get a range of views. But I still hope and feel that weddingbee is a forum where we can be supportive of one another, especially those of us who are on a budget. In these times especially, it's the rare bride who has a blank check for her wedding. I think that when people come out with the blanket judgment of "tacky" on a certain decision it takes the negative emotions up a notch. The judgment of "tacky" doesn't explain why or how you would do it differently, it doesn't give alternatives, it's not supportive. It's just a snide and judgmental thing to say to brides, 99% of whom are trying their darndest to provide all of their loved ones with the best party they can afford.
Anyways -- thanks so much for all the kind words! And don't worry anyone -- I loved my beer and wine wedding, even if it WAS tacky! ;-)
Chicagowife, I can be sensitive to things, so I think I know where you're coming from. Why "tacky" is used so abundantly in wedding talk is a mystery. (I know I've used it too.) Maybe those weding etiquette gurus got us hooked on it.
I do think, that if someone is saying (xyz) is tacky, that is simply their opinion. I also think that is important for people to know, because they will understand what some guests might think at their wedding. (Now if your guests understand you had a cash bar because you couldn't afford and open bar, then maybe they are fine with it. So try not to worry about that. But if some of them didn't understand the reason behind it, based on some opinions that have been expressed here, they might have thought it was "t***y".) Maybe some people are being judgmental, but that is probably a sample of what people will be dealt from their wedding guests.
If I know the thread you are referring to, I think the one thing we can walk away from (big picture) is that almost NEVER, can you please every guest at your wedding. You see some people will be annoyed if you invite kids. While others will be aggravated if you don't. Can't win. Inevitably somebody will be too picky for the food choices. Or if you do a bouquet toss, on and on. You just do the best you can to be considerate and hope for the best.
I'm glad you were happy with your wedding. That is what is important.
I think the big problem with the word "tacky" is that people throw it around and use it both indiscriminately and incorrectly. Too many people say, "That's tacky!" when what they really mean is, "I don't agree with that" or "That's not what I would choose to do."
As an example, I was recently discussing linens with friends, and someone declared chair covers to be "tacky." I asked how they were tacky, and she said, "I hate them! I think they look terrible." I pointed out to her that her not liking them didn't make them tacky; it only meant that they weren't right for her.
Tacky literally means "in poor taste." So, yes, taste varies between cultures and socio-economic classes, but it's not about PERSONAL taste. It's pretty much about adhering to the standards and mores of the culture within which you're operating. Choosing not to do so (a la the offbeat bride post) is fine, too. That's more of an active way to rebel or make a statement.
Really, I think that "tacky" is one of those words that has gotten thrown about so much that (for me) it has lost all its power and meaning. Do what's right for you, host a beautiful wedding, and remind yourself that if someone calls your choice of a beer and wine bar "tacky" then they're just misusing the word, anyway. ;)
(And no, I don't think a beer and wine bar is in poor taste at all - it's your party, and you have every right to serve whatever you want for whatever reason!)
driftslikesmoke--thanks for saying exactly what i wanted to say!! very well put!
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Too many people say, "That's tacky!" when what they really mean is, "I don't agree with that" or "That's not what I would choose to do."
driftslikesmoke, this is so true! And I agree with everyone else that the term has been completely overused. Here is a partial list of things various people have told me are "tacky" when they really meant "I don't like that choice."
* Having a buffet reception
* Having a seating chart
* Not having a seating chart
* Using an iPod
* Hiring a DJ
* Sending out flat-print invitations
* Serving hard alcohol ("mixed drinks belong at frat parties, they are so classless and tacky," I believe, was the exact quote).
* Not serving hard alcohol
Notice how many of these are contradictory! No wonder brides are stressed out.
I think the only choices that could fairly be deemed "tacky" are the ones that reflect greed or thoughtlessness on the part of the couple -- e.g., if I received an invitation with an insert that said "each plate at the wedding will cost $100, please make sure your gift is equal or greater in value to that amount," that would be pretty tacky! But in most cases, I agree that we should scale the use of this word way back and try to say "I prefer X instead of Y" instead of "Y is so tacky!"
I think "that's tacky" is a lazy comment to make. You're making a blanket statement instead of specifically describing why you don't like something.
"Cash bars are tacky"-- well what specifically bothers you about cash bars and why? Is it because you think alcohol is mandatory at celebrations? Is it because that's the norm at the weddings you have attended? Would it bother you less if they provided free soft drinks and sparkling cider? What if they subsidized the drinks so that beers were $1 and wine was $2/ drink? What if they did not provide any alcohol at all, only soft drinks rather than have a cash bar? That's much more helpful for someone trying to decide what to serve at their wedding.
I love Off-beat Bride even though my wedding isn't too off-beat! I like the fact that she's skeptical and questions a lot of stuff that the mainstream websites say is mandatory.
I don't think any of the things you mentioned in your post are tacky. I do think there are plenty of things that are though! I don't care what kind of budget you have, but things such as a cash bar and straight out asking for money as gifts is tacky.
BTW, since somebody asked. What I think is tacky about cash bars is that as a guest at a party, you should never have to pay for something.
Things I'm doing that are "tacky":
-Serving a light, finger-food buffet instead of a sit-down dinner
-Using the ugly, venue-provided chairs for the reception
-Including registry information in some of the invites (my fiance insists that his technology-illiterate family will not be able to find it on our Web site)
-Not inviting out of town friends +1
As much as I would love to have the picture perfect wedding, I've come to realize that it just can't be done on our tiny budget and at our venue! There are lots of people who want to come to our wedding and support us that we just wouldn't be able to invite if we served a full meal. There wouldn't be the money or the space for them! So if people think our cook-out themed buffet meal is tacky, that's their problem. My real friends don't care.
I totally disagree that a cash bar is tacky. Where I was raised, no one had cash bars. It wasn't until I moved to Chicago years ago that I found out that the 'norm' is to have open bar - but then when you do that, people b*tch and moan when it closes for dinner. So I don't care either way - I'm personally having open beer and wine for everyone to enjoy, as well as signature cocktails.
If I go to a wedding and have to pay for drinks - that is fine. If I go to a wedding and get free drinks and just have to tip - that is fine. One way or the other, I'm there for the people getting married and celebrating their sacrament.
I think it is tacky to expect a bride and groom, or their parents, to go broke for you to get drunk at an open bar. And yes, when you host a party you don't expect people to pay for anything. But I'm assuming that is a small party, not some 100+ get together where you're already paying for their invitiations, programs, food, favors, etc.
Here, here....
I've participated in a couple of threads on the plus one discussion and both times someone has thrown out their "tacky" judgement.
It disappointed me, because I switched to these boards from another site, specifically because the members seem to be very respectful and leave the judgements behind.
In any event, I still think this site has plenty of wonderful and creative members and I continue to involve myself and promote it to others. But I do cringe and exit immediately when I see the judgements, because to me that's truly tacky.
Chicagowife, thanks so much for saying this. I think it's too bad that people make judgements and call other people names for doing certain wedding related things. I think that we all do the best we can within our own budgets and families and to each her own.
I know we're paying for our wedding on our own and we may make decisions that other people might not have to make. I couldn't believe the resopnse I got from some of my family members when I told them that we might do a limited bar (beer and wine) instead of full-open, simply because I didn't think it was worth my money to spend a ridiculous amount of money on alcohol. My aunts must have said tacky about 100 times, but you know what, I think that's what we're doing. They can deal with it!
I think we all just need to realize that we're all free to make our own choices and not criticize our fellow brides when they're probably just doing the best they can. :)
I'm on the side of limited or cash bars not being in any way what so ever tacky. Why on earth would it be. I personally entertain almost every week. We always have some kind of alcohol in the house to share. However, my friends still bring their own alcohol. Whatever alcohol is left stays at our house and is broken back out for guests at the next get together. Only in the most formal of situations do people expect all alcohol to be provided and even then everyone knows that they are at the whim of their hosts / hostess. (and the guests still sometimes bring a bottle of wine to the party).
AbbyM i completely agree with you. I've never been to a recpetion where they had an open bar. Most weddings had wine and beer and the beer was self-serve out of a keg. I know in different parts of the country this would seem completely classless but that's just how it'd done down here. I, for one, will be going with wine and beer. There's no way in Hades that I'd have an open bar. The majority of our friends can put back massive amounts of alchohol, and if it's free booze watch out! I don't want to pay a ridiculous amount of money and have a bunch of drunks staggering around my reception.
I was told that all of the following things I did were "tacky" by either bees, family, friends, and even strangers:
I could keep going... I guess the point is that it was our wedding and we made the decisions we made because it is what worked best for us. I did all of this DESPITE the fact that I was told it was "tacky" -- but it would have been much nicer to just have been given opinions and advice without being judged as "tacky"!
Chicagowife - you make a good point here. I wouldn't take it personal but I know what you mean when you say it's hurtful.
Everyone's "perfect day" is different. Our visions, ideas, what you see as important or not are all different. We have to respect that. I think it's great and very impressive that you and your fiance are financing the wedding alone. It's a very hard thing to do and for you to make it work with your budget is really awesome!
I'm not sure what post you're referring to (and I think I'm glad). I had a friend, one I've known for 12 years, tell me white tuxes were tacky... 2 seconds after I told her my future husband was wearing one for our wedding.
I think people use the word 'tacky' when they mean they don't like it. Honestly, everyone's probably doing something in their wedding someone else would call 'tacky.'
If people are that judgemental, maybe they have their own issues they need to work out.
Yes, this is a public forum, but perhaps people could respond nice to one another.
Thats my 2 cents!
What I love about Weddingbee is the concept of the hive. We are all here buzzing about making something sweet happen in our lives.
That's what this site is about to me. No need to tear down, just try to build up.
Just sayin'.
OK, Calioteach...that is a long list of not tacky things... :) I'm not a huge fan of the money dance, but I've found that it falls under the culture umbrella most of the time, so to each their own! Who told you all that was tacky? They're TACKY.
I am 100% for the snarkiness ban- however, I encourage Bees to tell one another the truth when someone posts asking if something is tacky or appropriate.
I think close friends and family might find it hard to be brutally honest about stuff (ie "Does this dress make me look fat?" "Do these centerpieces look good?" "Should I see my FI before the ceremony for pictures?" etc). I think those close to us are likely to be either hypercritical or just saying yes to keep the peace.
Weddingbee is a place where we can ask for opinions and trust that people will be brutally honest and unbiased.
However- by and large- I think the hive is VERY GOOD at providing contructive criticism (as opposed to judgemental snarkiness).
I think there is a time and place for the "tacky" word (like the couple I read about who financed their reception by selling their art to their guests at the reception! Which goes against the not asking for gifts etiquette)- but we have to be careful how we use it. If someone asks- "Is it tacky to include the registry info on the invitation?" I will definitely refer them to the Emily Post webpage not just say "go for it" to be nice.
There is a way to provide honest feedback without being critical and I commend the Hive for maintaining a community where we can be honest and helpful without being rude and hurtful!
The only thing thats Tacky, is using the word Tacky to describe someone elses wedding. "If you havn't got anything good to say, don't say anything at all". There is a difference between constructive criticism and just plain rudeness. When a bride asks for your opinon, either just click the poll button of your preference or offer constructive criticism. What if someone said that one of your decisions was "T*$^@" after all your planing and DYIing, it could ruin someones day. I think its a little saddening when we have to remind adults to play nice on the weddingbee playground. 
Tacky:
adjective,
1.not tasteful or fashionable; dowdy.
2.shabby in appearance; shoddy: a tacky, jerry-built housing development.
3.crass; cheaply vulgar; tasteless; crude.
4.gaudy; flashy; showy.
Origin: Americanism; appar. identical with earlier tacky small horse, pony, poor farmer; of obscure orig.
An ill-conditioned, ill-fed, or neglected horse; also, a person in a like condition
Ouch, :(
@ Miss Bookworm- There have been a fair number of people who have posted- "Do you think XYZ is tacky?"
If the poster is asking flat out if something's "tacky" (their own word)- I think a "yes it's tacky" or "no, it's not tacky" response is acceptable.
Also- I disagree with "If you haven't got anything good to say, don't say anything at all." People are posting to get honest feedback, not just pleasantries.
I would venture to guess that a lot of our weddings have turned out/will turn out a lot better than they would have been without honest feedback. That's where the contructive criticism comes in- "The centerpiece looks a little sparse- what about adding XYZ?" for example.
i had the 'tackiest' wedding ever.
and i loved every second of it.
the problem with weddings is that everyone has an opinion and believes they are right. once i realized the true importance of the day, that i would be marrying the most amazing man, i stopped caring if what i had planned was tacky.
@BetaBride - don't feel bad! We are planning to get married on a Wednesday or Thursday night, in the summer (we're both teachers). I'm sure I will get flack for it, but I don't care what *anyone* thinks -- I am actually really excited about it. :) We are saving THOUSANDS.
As far as the word "tacky," some people use it as an emotional reaction and end up being "tactless" themselves! There are some things that are inappropriate (wearing a long white dress to someone else's wedding) and should be labeled as such. When the line between "obviously inappropriate" and "something you dislike" becomes blurred, that's when people's feelings get hurt.
http://offbeatbride.com/2008/07/tacky
Offbeat Bride wrote on the topic this summer!
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