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i wouldn't call that rough around the edges I'd call it racist, homophobic, and completely unacceptable. And I don't think that tact is really the way to handle someone like that-- he obviously knows his opinions are unpopular so being direct is the way I'd go. Next time he says something like that i'd be perfectly clear and blunt "Hey ______, I find it really offensive when you use language like that. Please STOP."
I can't stand people that are like that it always makes me feel uncomfortable too! I'm assuming that FSIL is your Fi's sister, so maybe you can bring this up to your FI and maybe he can bring up the subject to her BF, you know man to man, so it doesn't make you uncomfortable being the one to bring it up.
All you have to say is that it bothers you to hear those degratory words and comments and please refrain from using them around you. Personally, I speak up when people are being racist bigots.
Cosign Corgi! And know what comes out of people's mouths is usually a much edited version of what is going on in their hearts and minds. I am totally ewwing and throwing up in the back of my mouth at this dude.
I think it depends on who you are dealing with. Different people respond to being addressed in different ways. How about (IN THE MOMENT):
"Whoa, don't use the "n" word!"
or when the other things come up:
"Well, different strokes." And turn to someone to switch the conversation, "So, Honey...."
Ugh I hate people who do that! I feel like by not saying anything in those kinds of situations I'm implying somehow that I agree with their choice of words. I'm not sure the best way to handle it... but out of nervousness sometimes I turn the situation around on myself (this is probably wrong to do) and say things like "Would it be okay if you didn't use those words when I'm around? I'm just a really sensitive person I guess..". In reality, I want to stand on the table with a megaphone and confront the person and tell them that they are a horrible human being for saying those things.. but the coward in me turns it around on myself to avoid conflict by saying it's because I'm "sensitive". Hmm.. tough situation.
I feel very very strongly that staying quiet when someone says or does something racist or homophobic or bigoted or misogonistic (as opposed to sexist - in front of which I stay quiet all the time) is condoning it.
I would not hang out with a racist. I just wouldn't.
If, he uses these words in trying to be "ironic" or whatever and doesn't seem to mean it - I'd call him out by saying that it bothers you very much and you believe he's wrong.
I'm sorry but I don't think there's a way to deal with this that is both tactful/nonconfrontational and moral. Which sucks.
I don't think he's trying to be ironic.
Here's an example: If politics comes up, he'll say something like "we need to get that n***** Obama out of office". I'll say something like "I don't like his governing style, but race has nothing to do with it!". Or if he says something bad about gays, I'll say something like "my gay friends aren't like that", or about gay marriage I'll give him the example of "it makes so much more sense for my uncle's partner to be able to make medical decisions should something happen, than my family in a different country".
But those things don't seem to stop him from saying stuff. I wonder if more bluntness would make a difference?
I think you need to be more direct, as in "Those comments are inappropriate. If you're going to spew that vile sh*t, don't do it in my presence." Or something like that. It sounds like you're trying to reason with him to get him to change his mind--I don't think that's the way to go here, since it doesn't seem like he's interested in actually learning anything or changing his attitude.
If you dont want to have a serious convo jus say something like "Hey _____ lets ease up on the racist and homophobic comments k" say it in the joking voice that is serious. Hopefully hell get the hint. If not talk to your FSIL
@corgitales: 100% agree. You have to be blunt and let him know that it is not okay to say those things. I would stop associating with someone who spoke like that. It's just completely inappropriate and uncalled for.
@abbyful: your responses are just showing that you dont agree with his views - but thats not the whole story - his way of conveying his "thoughts" are highly offensive.
your response to "we need to get that n***** Obama out of office" should be more along the lines of:
"woah. using that word is VERY unacceptable. this isnt 1955. you can disagree all you want to with the president, but i will not sit here and listen to you use racist language like that. its rude and very ignorant."
and then change the subject.
he needs to know that saying crap like that is nasty and highly offensive.
im black and i dont even allow my black family members to say that word EVER in my presence. EVER.
thanks girls :)
I agree with those above who say not saying something is silently condoning it (or at least, it feels like that to me).
What is that writing about when they came for ___ I said nothing because I was not ___, and by the time they came for me there was no one left to fight? I can't remember but I feel like its a poem written on the wall of the haulocaust museum in dc. basically gets to that point... speaking up in the face of ignorance/bigotry is important.
I think you gotta be blunt. I have someone that I am inviting to my wedding and her husband acts just like that. It is embarrassing but my friend doesn't seem to mind. I guess she said she has learn to deal with it but I don't want to! It is not fair that I feel like I have to babysit him at our wedding :(
Since he knows you disagree with his viewpoints - how about just saying: That's really offensive. Please stop using that language or making those homophobic comments around me.
I think you need to be direct - not try to be nice.
@oracle: I completely agree!
I recently had a situation with a coworker who is often markedly inappropriate. He's PC as far as this post is specifically concerned, but will often make comments to younger female coworkers ("If I wasn't married, your boyfriend would be single," etc.). We were at an opening event last weekend and, during a speech, he turned around and saw me and made this face like, "You look hot," completely over the top and disgusting (my dad was standing right next to me, btw). I shook my head no at him, but he continued. I said, frankly, "That's inappropriate," and left it at that. He turned around and left me alone the rest of the night. That was the first time I've actually had the courage to stand up to someone like that, and it felt great! You may have to keep repeating this, but a simple, firm response and then dropping the subject might do the trick!
Thanks everyone, I think I'll try the "that's inappropriate" and then change the subject or walk away approach.
I'm just dumbfounded that he talks like that. I grew up in a small hick-town, where you'd think stereotypes like that would be more prevelent, and never heard stuff like that! This man has lived in several states, in big cities, and still acts like this, it amazes me (and not in a good way). I've never had to deal with someone that acted like this before!!! It's very uncomfortable.
Good luck. My dad talks like this and when i correct him, he tells me he'll talk however I want. It's just sad and angers both my husband and I. Hopefully it doesn't just add fuel to the fire.
That's terrible. The examples you gave are just outrageous, and you need to just stop him in his tracks. I believe in this instance, you should live be the phrase "Talk sh*t, get hit." (Not that I'm condoning physical violence!)
I don't think you really need to worry about approaching this type of a situation with tact. I would just call him out on his ignorance and tell him to either watch his mouth or not talk to you.
I agree with those who have said that while you've been making an effort (which is more than some people do!), you have been taking the wrong approach. You shouldn't argue with his opinions but protest his offensive word choice. Next time he says something offensive, tell him, "I understand you feel that way but it really offends me when you use words like that."
I know its tough when you are trying to maintain a civil relationship with someone who behaves in a way that you view unacceptable, but you honestly should not be embarrassed to ask him to stop -- HE should be embarrassed of his own behavior!
I worked in a bar in a small town and had to hear comments like these ALL the time. I always just gave my customers sharp looks and said some variation of, "That's Enough. I don't want to hear you say something like that around me again." I've found that usually if you call people out on it and make it clear that their words are unacceptable, then they will usually stop. Say it everytime they say something like that, and it will stop. You may not change their views, but I stopped having to listen to that crap after everyone knew where I stood on it. Use what my mom calls "the mean mommy voice." IE the tone of voice that would stop a child in their tracks when they are misbehaving. Its the same voice I use on my 2-year-old nephew when he hits someone. All I have to do anymore is say his name in that tone, and he stops cold.
I've been in this situation numerous times and I realized that trying to be subtle is not the way to get your point across. People who think like this don't always understand subtle hints.
So I agree with PP's: let him know flat out that it's inappropriate and you're not comfortable being around it. If he continues to do it, let your FH know you do not want to be around him because the things he says make you uncomfortable. This guy should be embarrassed about his behavior and your FSIL should be embarrassed too.
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I need you ladies' suggestions on how to tactfully/nicely/subtly call someone on inappropriate things they say.
My FSIL's boyfriend can sometimes be a bit... rough around the edges. He reffers to black people by the n-word, talks bad about gays, etc. He's fun to hang out with until he starts saying stuff like that. I don't want to cause any drama, but I'm not sure how to tell him that's not cool without causing a rift or coming off as a prude.