Post # 1
I need you ladies’ suggestions on how to tactfully/nicely/subtly call someone on inappropriate things they say.
My FSIL’s boyfriend can sometimes be a bit… rough around the edges. He reffers to black people by the n-word, talks bad about gays, etc. He’s fun to hang out with until he starts saying stuff like that. I don’t want to cause any drama, but I’m not sure how to tell him that’s not cool without causing a rift or coming off as a prude.
Post # 3
i wouldn’t call that rough around the edges I’d call it racist, homophobic, and completely unacceptable. And I don’t think that tact is really the way to handle someone like that– he obviously knows his opinions are unpopular so being direct is the way I’d go. Next time he says something like that i’d be perfectly clear and blunt “Hey ______, I find it really offensive when you use language like that. Please STOP.”
Post # 4
I can’t stand people that are like that it always makes me feel uncomfortable too! I’m assuming that Future Sister-In-Law is your Fi’s sister, so maybe you can bring this up to your Fiance and maybe he can bring up the subject to her Boyfriend or Best Friend, you know man to man, so it doesn’t make you uncomfortable being the one to bring it up.
Post # 5
@CorgiTales: where’s the “like” button? I completely agree 🙂
Post # 6
All you have to say is that it bothers you to hear those degratory words and comments and please refrain from using them around you. Personally, I speak up when people are being racist bigots.
Post # 7
Cosign Corgi! And know what comes out of people’s mouths is usually a much edited version of what is going on in their hearts and minds. I am totally ewwing and throwing up in the back of my mouth at this dude.
Post # 8
I think it depends on who you are dealing with. Different people respond to being addressed in different ways. How about (IN THE MOMENT):
“Whoa, don’t use the “n” word!”
or when the other things come up:
“Well, different strokes.” And turn to someone to switch the conversation, “So, Honey….”
Post # 10
Ugh I hate people who do that! I feel like by not saying anything in those kinds of situations I’m implying somehow that I agree with their choice of words. I’m not sure the best way to handle it… but out of nervousness sometimes I turn the situation around on myself (this is probably wrong to do) and say things like “Would it be okay if you didn’t use those words when I’m around? I’m just a really sensitive person I guess..”. In reality, I want to stand on the table with a megaphone and confront the person and tell them that they are a horrible human being for saying those things.. but the coward in me turns it around on myself to avoid conflict by saying it’s because I’m “sensitive”. Hmm.. tough situation.
Post # 11
I feel very very strongly that staying quiet when someone says or does something racist or homophobic or bigoted or misogonistic (as opposed to sexist – in front of which I stay quiet all the time) is condoning it.
I would not hang out with a racist. I just wouldn’t.
If, he uses these words in trying to be “ironic” or whatever and doesn’t seem to mean it – I’d call him out by saying that it bothers you very much and you believe he’s wrong.
I’m sorry but I don’t think there’s a way to deal with this that is both tactful/nonconfrontational and moral. Which sucks.
Post # 12
I don’t think he’s trying to be ironic.
Here’s an example: If politics comes up, he’ll say something like “we need to get that n***** Obama out of office”. I’ll say something like “I don’t like his governing style, but race has nothing to do with it!”. Or if he says something bad about gays, I’ll say something like “my gay friends aren’t like that”, or about gay marriage I’ll give him the example of “it makes so much more sense for my uncle’s partner to be able to make medical decisions should something happen, than my family in a different country”.
But those things don’t seem to stop him from saying stuff. I wonder if more bluntness would make a difference?
Post # 13
I think you need to be more direct, as in “Those comments are inappropriate. If you’re going to spew that vile sh*t, don’t do it in my presence.” Or something like that. It sounds like you’re trying to reason with him to get him to change his mind–I don’t think that’s the way to go here, since it doesn’t seem like he’s interested in actually learning anything or changing his attitude.
Post # 14
If you dont want to have a serious convo jus say something like “Hey _____ lets ease up on the racist and homophobic comments k” say it in the joking voice that is serious. Hopefully hell get the hint. If not talk to your Future Sister-In-Law
Post # 15
@corgitales: 100% agree. You have to be blunt and let him know that it is not okay to say those things. I would stop associating with someone who spoke like that. It’s just completely inappropriate and uncalled for.
Post # 16
@abbyful: your responses are just showing that you dont agree with his views – but thats not the whole story – his way of conveying his “thoughts” are highly offensive.
your response to “we need to get that n***** Obama out of office” should be more along the lines of:
“woah. using that word is VERY unacceptable. this isnt 1955. you can disagree all you want to with the president, but i will not sit here and listen to you use racist language like that. its rude and very ignorant.”
and then change the subject.
he needs to know that saying crap like that is nasty and highly offensive.
im black and i dont even allow my black family members to say that word EVER in my presence. EVER.