Taking a break (or is it a hop skip and a week from a break up?)

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@KatertotATL:  First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your situation.  My heart goes out to you, as it sounds like he is not sure what he wants.  

I would say to avoid talking to him and give him his space.  You said you had other things to focus on and good for you!  I think that it’s important to realize that there are two people in this relationship, and maybe you should start thinking about what you want as well.  

For example, do you want to be with someone who’s not excited to be with you?  

I’ve taken a break in two of my past relationships.  The first one was a 4 month break, date for 4 more months, then break up.  The last one was a break I initiated, because I didn’t know how to break up with my ex and thought it would help soften the blow.  I’m not proud, but he was VERY aggressive and unpredictable, so a break was the way for me to get out.

Good Luck.  We are here for you!

Post # 4
5818 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@KatertotATL:  So sorry you are going through this. My question to you is: do you want to hook your star to someone who obviously doesnt handle stress very well? How will he handle kids (and the lack of sleep), illness, job loss, etc?

That being said. I’ve been in relationships that a break was just pre-breakup. And one relationship that a break really was just that, a break. DH broke up with me at the 5-ish month mark for 1 month. I was just getting too intense for him. 

But at the 3 year mark and at 36, I dont know if a break is a good sign or not. But I will give you advice that I followed with DH (taken from the book “Getting to I Do”. 

Give this break 8 weeks. If he is not back in 8 weeks, cut him out of your life forever. A man in love, will be back in 8 weeks. During that time, you want him to miss you. So change your voice mail so it’s not your voice (dont want him to get a hit off of it when he is feeling weak). Do not answer the phone when he calls. Call him back the next day and only talk for 20 min or less. When you do talk keep it light (remember you are happy and secure without him. Your life is just fine. it would be great if he was in your life, but no big deal if he isnt. Then you call your girlfriends and cry).

Dont see him very often. And when you do, no touching and def no kissing or sex. He has to realize how much better his life is with you in it. Only way he will realize this is if you are missing from his life during the break. Go on a trip to visit friends. Stay busy. 

Quit asking yourself, “Why doesnt he want me??” and ask yourself, “Do I really want him?”

Post # 5
4638 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think its a hop skip and a week from a break up.

You should be with someone who is excited to be with you. Maybe I’m missing something, but I’ve never heard of any ‘breaks’ that end up with the couple working things out. If someone wanted a break from me, they can have a permanent one.

Post # 6
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Think if he called you in a week and said, “Yeah, my increased depression was because we were together” how much worse than would feel than just accepting now that it is a breakup and move on or talking to him and just breaking up now. He sounds like he has created a lot on his plate, and if his therapy keeps getting pushed back how long are you supposed to wait?

I’m not sasying this couldn’t work, because it could, but I just think it wouldn’t work right now and taking a break is going to force you to waste a big chunk of your time waiting for him to get his poop in a group and figure out what it is he’s so afraid of.

Maybe somewhere down the road you will meet up again, but perhaps right now it would be in your best interest to explore your options, take care of your foster pets, and focus on your business.

Post # 7
1178 posts
Bumble bee

I just broke it off after a second try with a guy that just never showed he was excited to get married. I mean I deserve some enthusiasm! I’m a great catch! I wish you the best but understand if it was really working like it’s supposed to it shouldn’t be this difficult. No sense in beating your head against a wall trying to get a man to change.


p.s. I’m about to be 36 and he is 40. We dated for 2 difficult years and then took a year off. We came back together for about 9 months and it was nice for a little while then all our old problems came back. We are not compatable.

Post # 8
8510 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

If he’s 36 years old…he’s old enough to know what he wants by 3 years of dating.

Do you want to be with someone who’s not thrilled and excited to marry you?  Because you can find one who is!

Sometimes a longer break might work if it’s a young couple in college who need space to develop on their own for awhile…but at 36, no.

Sorry, I don’t think you’re going to get what you want here.  He’s old enough to know what he wants and he’s making it pretty clear he’s not that interested.  How many years do you want to waste on him?

I would concentrate on yourself, go out, do your own thing.  Don’t be at his beck and call.  Don’t answer the phone, call him back later. 

I did take a break with someone once.  I initiated it (I was 20 I think) and it was because I really wanted to break up but thought it might go easier on him if we “took a break” first.

Post # 9
5818 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@KatertotATL:  This is all because he couldnt go to therapy one week? He doesnt seem strong enough to deal with all the life things you will deal with over time. Maybe best to walk away…

Post # 10
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@KatertotATL:  at this stage in a man’s life, he should know what he wants.  if he hasn’t really shown that yet, he is simply leading you on. 

if it was meant to be, it shouldn’t be this difficult.  i had a relationship that was challenging like this and we were together in limbo for 8-9 years.  he did propose to me but we did nothing in terms of planning a wedding.  trust me, it’s not worth it.

move on with your life and focus on yourself.  that’s what i did and i felt such a sense of relief.  fyi, i met my now dh shortly afterwards and have a relationship that i always dreamed of.  please, don’t give up hope.

Post # 11
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@KC-2722:  +1

The last break I took ended the relationship – and, truthfully, as heartbroken as I was about the break in the beginning, by the time we regrouped to talk a month or whatever it was later, I was still sad of course, but doing pretty ok overall.

Post # 12
28 posts


If its broken enough that you need to step away… time isn’t going to fix the issue without work. And if you are on a break you aren’t actively working on it. Personally I think you should move on. This whole thing screams breach of trust to me. He halfway moved in with you but had a contingency plan the whole time. Sometimes things don’t work out when people live together and then they figure out separate living arrangements. They don’t keep another apartment on the side.

I took a break with my Ex and he is forever going to be my ex. Maybe my perspective isn’t right for you though. My ex asked for a break, it lasted about a week (while I was crashing at a friend’s house because we lived together at the time), then we got back together for about a month. I broke up with him the day before he planned to propose (which was explained to me during the break up conversation). The break hadn’t helped us and getting married wouldn’t have fixed it either. I’m glad things ended the way they did.

Post # 13
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

@KatertotATL:  Is there an option for you go with him to one of his therapy appointments?

Post # 15
1349 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@KatertotATL:  You’re being so strong!!  Remember, this isn’t only about what he wants, but what you want as well.  Hang in there!!!  You’re doing great!

Post # 16
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I had a serious relationship that ended because he was unable to committ or settle down.  Now that I am in an amazing relationship, I’ve realized what the other one was missing:

I want someone to be desperate to see me, talk to me, miss me when I am not with him, etc.  I want someone to be excited about me, being with me, living with me, etc.  I don’t want to feel like I am just there, I want to feel appreciated.  I want someone who is so excited to be married to me that he can’t wait beyond a reasonable time.  I am amazing, and I want someone who knows I am amazing.  Someone who knows that by losing me, they would be letting an awesome girl slip away.  If a short break doesn’t make him want to do anything to get you back in his life, he may not be worth it. 

You deserve to be someone’s great love, the one they can’t live without.  You deserve someone who needs you, wants you, loves you and wants to shout it to the world.  You are worth it, and you are amazing, and you want someone who knows that.

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