Post # 1
I don’t really feel like changing my name (since I’ve had it all my life and he gets to keep his), but because it is very important to him, I agreed to keep my name as is, then add his last name as a second last name. We agreed that I’d use only my last name professionally and I’m fine if his friends and future kid’s teachers call me by his last name only. In return, he’s adding my last name as an extra middle name. So cool & it means a lot to me
All that discussion happened before his parents went fully crazy, started talking bad about me, refused to speak to us, and started making threats to ppl that bad things would happen if they came to our wedding. they are talking to FI again (not sure abt me yet) & things are improving for the time-being at least. I’ll be civil and over time try to let it go, but not so sure I want their last name officially anymore . . .
Has anybody else been in this situation? Thoughts?
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
Don’t think of it as THEIR last name, this of it as HIS last name. If you know it is important for him to have you take his name, and you have already agreed to a solution, its not very fair to go back on it now.
Post # 4
@Shkragoldfish: Don’t let his shitty parents dash your desires. Whether you keep your name (I am) or change it (Good for you!), you should do what YOU want to do. Frig those friggers.
Post # 5
@Shkragoldfish: I don’t like my in laws. They’re good people and they haven’t been rude to me in the slightest, but I dislike them. I think they’re lazy and lack the generosity and support that binds families.
I will not be taking their last name, because even though it is FH’s last name, it is very much their family name.
My situation is complicated because I have my estranged biological father’s last name, my mom has a hyphenated last name with her husband (my dad for all intents and purposes), and my stepdad (who I consider my father) of course has his own last name. There is nothing connecting me to my name and I would like nothing more than to be rid of it, but I will not take the last name of a family that I barely respect.
Being Mrs. Hislastname like his mother makes me gag. I know it’s not their name that makes them the way they are, but I have no interest in sharing something so intimate with such callous people.
Post # 6
@Shkragoldfish: I wouldn’t do it, especially since you had mixed feelings about it in the first place. I think taking it as a second middle name is a fair compromise, it’s what I’m thinking of doing too!
Post # 7
@Shkragoldfish: I don’t think it’s right to punish your FI for your FIL’s behavior. You are adding his last name because it is his last name, not because it’s your FIL’s last name.
Post # 8
You aren’t taking their last name, you are taking your FI’s last name. It sounds like the two of you have talked about this and come up with a compromise. I wouldn’t hurt my SO over something his parents did.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest
My SO doesn’t talk to his father anymore, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to take his mother’s maiden name instead. He is very proud of his last name. He’s still close with his paternal grandfather – so when I think about taking on the name, we are carrying on his lineage, not his father’s name.
We did joke about combining our last names since a lot of people made up a silly rendition of our last names together and thought it’d be funny to take that one. Personally I’m so excited to give up my 11 letter long nobody can pronounce last name for his simple 5 letter common name! I’m just traditional like that 🙂
What I’m not clear about… did they go crazy about the name situation? Or just generally crazy?
Post # 10
@Shkragoldfish: My inlaws don’t like me and the feeling is mutual! (They blamed DH for his divorce from his previous wife even though she cheated on him multiple times even to the point of becoming pregnant by her boyfriend while married to DH!) They swear that if he hadn’t met me he would have eventually gone back to her and worked things out. SO – they disowned him, speak out publicly against me even though I came along after all of this, and I can’t stand them.
I kept my own last name for the first 3 years we were married… but eventually I saw how much it really did hurt his feelings for me to not have HIS last name and I decided to add it. My legal name is First Middle Maiden Married, so I have MY last name AND his. I had to look at it like it was me giving HIM the ability to share his last name with someone worth sharing it with 🙂
Post # 11
@Shkragoldfish: I would not allow their treatment of me to affect my name decision in any way. I’d do whatever I had planned to do all along.
Post # 12
such good comments so far. thanks so much for helping me start to think through this- I don’t want to bring it up w/my FI until I’ve thought through it more & given it time. (and I only gave more info/response below just in case it helps to give more background for future comments- I fully understand why bees would have opinions on both sides of this and I’m not trying to change anybody’s mind)
@whoa_its_ash: yeah, unfortunately, I very much think of it as their last name- partially b/c it’s unique & I have to call them Mr. __ and Mrs. ___ (they’re very old school) and their other children haven’t been that supportive of me or my FI in this situation either. All of our wedding stuff has first names only (we have unique names) and I doubt we’ll even say our full names in our vows.
@LilRhodyGem: yeah, you’re probably right. just gets confusing b/c my own desires are to just keep my name as is & be cool w/teachers or his friends calling me by his last name. I was only adding it as a second last name to make him happy & now I don’t want to do that w/FI’s parents being as they are.
@letigre: how is your FI with this? (I haven’t told my FI yet abt wanting to take the last name less because of his parents.)
@thunderberry: have you talked to your FI abt it yet? if so, how’s he reacted?
@MrsBeck: I’m not trying to punish FI- I just don’t want to be angry or feel rejected every time I write my full last name/s. And part of me doesn’t understand why I should change now to have the last name of a family who won’t talk to me or welcome me to their house.
@missamysmiles: I understand why somebody doesn’t change their name after a fight/fallout etc- your FI had that name since birth. I have never had FI’s family name, so I get to choose now if I’m changing it to add it (it’s like if your FI had some other last name all his life and now that he doesn’t talk to dad or have good relationship w/that family, he chose to change his name to his dad’s last name). Our kids will have his fam’s last name regardless, so we are carrying on the lineage or whatever.
FI’s parents are crazy generally- they don’t even know about the name situation- we aren’t going to talk to them abt it- it’s none of their business really and there’s no reason they’d ever even know. no point in giving them a reason to blow up when they blow up quite enough w/o any provocation.
@MrsMc77: yeah, maybe I’d be ready to have it as a last name after some time or once we have kids? it’d just feel so odd to add his fam’s last name when his parents are likely going to try to ruin our wedding or boycott it.
Post # 13
@Shkragoldfish: because it’s your FI’s last name. You would add it because you are marrying your FI.I really don’t think his family’s behavior should affect it. I understand people not changing their names but in this case since you already told him you would add it I don’t think you should change your mind now just because your FILs ate acting like this.
Post # 14
@whoa_its_ash: Don’t think of it as THEIR last name, this of it as HIS last name.
OP, I have a crap relationship with my MIL and I still took my husbands last name. It makes me feel like we’re more of an unit and I couldn’t care less that I’ll have to share it with MIL for a few more years. What matters to me is that OUR family will have the same name if we’re lucky enough to have kids some day. I think your solution seems great and I think you should stick to that, just don’t pay attention to nutty relatives!
Post # 15
@whoa_its_ash: @MrsBeck: @ieatunicorns: you know what would make me feel like it was about me & him (and not abt me joining his family as they exclude and mistreat me)? if I took on his last name as a second last name or whatever and if he did the same of mine. I’d feel like it was really abt taking on *his* last name instead of his fam’s if we both took on each other’s. then of course he could just continue using his only, I’d use mine only at work, and I’d be fine being his w/his friends and w/future kids’ teachers etc., kids would have his last name only (our names don’t hyphenate well and I’m not a hyphenated fan usually for kids) does that sound good?
I added it as a poll option.
Post # 16
@Shkragoldfish: It has nothing to do with his parents. Do what is best for you and your partner and stick to your plan that makes you happy. Don’t let others impact your relationship or change its course – don’t give them that power.