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I have a few friends like that. Stop being the one to call them. Friendship is between two people and it won't work if she doesn't even try. If she is mad at you thats her problem
You stated "She is kind of quiet and isn't much of a talker." You know that she is this way and she answers when you call or returns your call if she isn't available when you call. I wouldn't fault her for that. That is just her personality. She probably appreciates your efforts and considers you a wonderful friend for reaching out to her. She probably gets mad when she isn't included because no one asked her if she wanted to be included. If I were you, I would talk to her and let her know that you would like her to call you some of the time to ask you if you need help with something and also let her know it is okay to suggest that you both meet at your place instead of hers. She probably feels intimiidated by you.
Does your friend have a serious SO? Does she have kids? Full-time job and school? I just wonder if it's a TIME thing, or if there's some other reason for her to act like that?
I have a friend like this.. We used to work together, so we would talk all the time, then I got a job somewhere else so we had no contact except through internet and phone because she lives quite a distance from me. At first, she did a good job keeping in touch, but then it tapered off. I was always the one calling her or texting, and when we talked it was like she really wasn't THAT interested in what I was saying. I think she actually held a grudge because I moved on from that job, and it really hurt my feelings because I never tried to rub it in her face. I wanted her to be happy for me, but instead she avoided me. I guess she got over it though, because now we can talk pretty much normally. She is married and has 2 small kids, and we have only gotten together a few times in almost a year of not working together. I chalk it up to her being very busy with a family. I don't have any kids right now, but when I do I hope people are understanding when I get really busy!
I hope you guys can start communicating better, and that your friend will try to put more effort into the relationship. A one-sided friendship doesn't count!
@jessica22580... I agree, she does need to make more of an effort (which is what I've thought all along, even tho FFI says that its just the wat she is due to her quiet nature)
@noritake22... What makes you think she feels intimidated by me, this is an interesting perspective (one that I've wrestled with myself)
@Queenbee...she does have a SO (no kids) I know she talks to him a lot...maybe that's all she needs??)
I have many friends like that. I am quite often the one to pick up the phone and set up dinner dates etc. I am a far more organized individual than a lot of my friends, and I'm conscientious about spending one-on-one time with them.
That being said, I have had to let friends go ... because it is one thing to always be the one to call/email/initiate hanging out etc., as long as it is appreciated and reciprocated. I recently cut a friend out of my life, who I haven't heard from in a year now, despite my repeated attempts (and I was her bridesmaid the fall of 08). I've just come to realize, that if someone can't appreciate the effort and energy I am willing to put forth, then they aren't that great a friend.
So, I wouldn't say she isn't interested, unless it becomes a habit that she isn't returning calls etc. Though, I would be concerned about her getting mad about not being included in everything.
I think this behavior is just a part of your friend's personality. Some people tend to naturally be the organizers, while others like someone else to make the plans. Often, pairing the two personality types makes for a great relationship.
So I wouldn't focus on who arranges the get-togethers. Does she seem excited to see you? Do you have fun together? Is she there for you when you need her? If so, I think you don't have a problem. If you really hate the role of the organizer, that's a different issue. Then you could talk to her about it and see if she can make the effort to initiate contact more.
PS If you want her to come to your place instead of you going to hers, why don't you just ask her over?
@littlemisseptmeber... I think she does appreciate it, she seems happy to hang out with me and we have fun when we do. I just can't get over the fact that I am the initiator. I know what your saying about being an organizer and I am not one AT ALL, which I guess is another issue I'm having with this although I don't mind sometimes but at other times it just makes me wonder.
@girlwithring....yes, yes and yes to each of your questions. Question is how do I get her to do more of the initiating? I can't just be blunt about it and tell her you need to do more of the leg work here!!!
@Crazy Bee: I thought that way because you are so much more outgoing than your friend. I am kinda like your friend. I won't ever invite myself to someone elses home. I have to be invited. I guess I am afraid of the no factor. I am also shy about things like that. I figure if someone wants me to come over, they will ask me. Also, about the phone calls, I always feel like I am interupting people when I call, so I don't usually do the calling. I guess I can identify with your friend. I am also a shy person. I have to "work up the courage" to speak to people, even if they are my friend. I know it drives people crazy, but that is just how I am. On the other hand, I don't have a problem talking to complete strangers when I go grocery shopping. I don't know why that is though. Maybe it is because I don't know them and I don't have to worry about them judging me.
About the initiating, if I was the friend you are talking about, I would appreciate it very much if you just came out and told me exactly what you wanted/expected of me. It would make it much easier for me.
@noritake-How do I just come out and tell my friend what I expect of her?? I don't want to treat her like an employee and give X,Y,Z, directions on how to be a good friend. I guess my question is then how do I approach this with her so I don't make this an extremely awkward conversation??????
UPDATE: So said friend just bailed on me...we had made plans and then all of sudden she was busy. No explanation, except that she had overbooked and would have to reschedule (as if that's going to happen). I am so pissed right now....I feel as though I'm not even a remote priority on her list! This is a girl with whom we had discussed being in eachother's wedding parties, don't know about that one anymore :S
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One of my very close friends can be so hard to read sometimes. She is kind of quiet and isn't much of a talker. It bugs me VERY much so that she doesn't take initiative in our relationship. It seems like I'm always having to call her (she usually answers or calls back so its not like she's ignoring me) but still I feel like I'm ALWAYS the one calling her, arranging the get togethers. Then when she's not included in something she gets mad and no one even knows about what it until months later! I don't get her, I wish she would take initiative to call me and help me with things, offer to come to my place instead of me always going to hers!
I'm starting to wonder if she's even a true friend or if she even cares enough about me? Does her quiet, shy demeanour account for her lack of initiative or does she not care enough about me to be the good friend I thought she was?