Post # 1
OK FMIL is a well meaning lady and nice. We get along, but I am thoroughly insulted and disagree on one aspect of the wedding.
We discussed months ago we didnt want a morning after breakfast because we wanted to rest before flying 30 hours.
FH’s sisters wedding was last summer and FH’s uncle threw and after-party. Apparently he is not doing the same for us. I think FMIL thinks this is my family’s responsibility I suppose because she asked about it and when we said we are not hosting one the very next day she said she NEEDS to have a breakfast now.
Mind you our wedding will have an open bar before the ceremony (we are providing transportation so people will arrive early for the ceremony as the bus does runs) starting at 330 and the bar will stay open till 10:45. Its a long and well supplied wedding for food and drink. We are not doing a formal sit down (passed apps and several small plate stations open for hours) and I know FMIL doesnt like this idea.
The vast majority of guests will be staying in the hotel (about 140 of the 160 guests)
This is why I feel so insulted by the “need”
- Breakfasts are not required. Celebrating our marriage with us should be enough of a reason to come to the wedding, we should not have to compensate or bribe them with additional reasons to come.
- If it were only a nice thing to do that would be one thing, but to feel there is a need is insulting. Spending tens of thousands of dollars isnt enough? Our decisions regarding the wedding isnt impressive enough? This should not be a status symbol or a competition or even a comparison vs other weddings.
- What if we only had a BBQ as we were planning, what would be required then? Breakfast and lunch because the wedding would not have been elaborate enough?
- We are hosting them and paying a lot of money for food and drink as well as other “extras” such as transportation and guests bags. When you host a family or friends for dinner, they bring you a hostess gift- you are not required to provide anything more than what the invitation states. So why are we required to provide yet another affair after the initial event?
- Even at real destination weddings, breakfasts are not in the etiquette book.
- Yes it is nice and nice to see people again, but to pay $20 a head vs the $5 the vast majority would have spend on coffee and a breakfast sandwich is over the top. If they would have even gotten breakfast. Its not more than 2 hour drive for most people. We didnt ask them to fly anywhere
- If the food is like what was served at his sisters wedding, its nothing I would even enjoy eating with the exception of the eggs (pastries, potatoes, bacon and cereal with minimal fruit)
- FH just told me his parents are offering some money to us to use towards the wedding, but will now reduce that amt due to the breakfast, then this money essentially comes out of our pockets.
So how crazy am I?
I asked him to plan the breakfast with his mom, but to not include me.
Post # 3
I flat out told his mom that we would be having sex all day the next day do she could drive in to town early if she wants extra time. She wn’t be getting any after.
Post # 4
She would pass out- which would make for some quite time.
Post # 5
I think you and your FI need to get on board together about this…then he needs to talk to FMIL for you…
Post # 5
The last couple of wedding “breakfasts” I’ve been to have been pretty informal. All the guests covered their own meals. It’s kind of nice when everyone is staying at the hotel and meet up for food in the morning. But I don’t think it’s necessary and I don’t think you’re obligated to pay for the meal.
Post # 6
@helenberrycrunch: Hahaha! Love it!!!
@lefeymw: You’re not crazy, you totally don’t need a breakfast after. How about modifying helenberrycrunch’s idea and say that you want to spend the next day with your husband?
Post # 7
I think you’re doing the right thing by letting them plan it. We are running into issues like this as well–FMIL said we HAVE to have a rehearsal dinner, though she isn’t paying for it, so we’re doing that. She’s getting brunch w/ my FI the day of (I’ll be conveniently unavailable) and my mom is having a party the next evening. Apparently she also wants us to host some sort of brunch thing at our house the next day. Hope they like messy houses and cereal with milk because I’m gonna be busy packing!
Post # 8
Mama Dear gets crazy notions.
She is convinced that Mr dear asked her for 5000 dollars for the HM.
Firstly, he would never. Secondly, we aren’t asking for any help from anyone. Lastly, 5000 is a ton of money!
Post # 9
FH doesnt want to tell mom to not do it. Or at least as of our last discussion, but I sent him the list of these reasons so maybe he will see where I am coming from.
Its “normal” in his family to do them.
confirmed- hes not budging.
Post # 10
Does she want YOU guys to pay for the breakfast? Or is she saying that she’d be willing to pay for it? Would she be willing to do a brunch just for her family/friends, and say that you guys are not going to be able to attend due to last minute necessities for the honeymoon?
Post # 11
@helenberrycrunch: hahahahah!!!!!!!!! nice!
Post # 12
@hilsy85: She is paying for it but it comes out of the money she told us last week she was going to give us- so really we are paying for it.
Our wedding is in a few weeks so everything is paid for and I was just laid off so the extra money to help pay for things in the wedding that are already set up would have been a huge help.
Its her money so she gets to spend it, but it reduces her last minute gift to us.
Post # 13
.. nevermind I just saw your next post that his mom would pay
Post # 14
I would keep trying to discuss these issues with FI. Since you were recently laid off, it seems like a perfectly reasonable and understandable reason that you guys could use the money for something other than brunch…