Post # 1
And I should not be pissed. Tonight has been one of the hardest nights of his life. I just HATE what he’s doing to me.
He is battling cancer. He went in for a CT scan that he did not want me to go to. He needed “space”. That hurt, but I honored his wishes because I love him. I told him to contact me asap. He and I have both been dreading this day for a while.
He texted me an hour ago saying “I will call soon. I just got home.” WHERE ARE YOU SO?? He knows this is torturing me. I want to know if his cancer is spreading or not. I texted him, asking him to just take 30 seconds to text me “yes, it’s serious”, or “no, it’s not spreading”. Am I worth 30 seconds? I texted him again saying I am scared, upset and I just need to know if this is serious or not.
I feel like he doesn’t care if I’m being tortured. I feel like he doesn’t give a crap about me. HE KNOWS I am anxious to hear from him.
I may get flamed for all this. I am just seeking advice from the hive on how to not blow up at him for blowing me off. This should be about him, not me. I hate what this is doing to me. I’ve turned into a selfish monster.
Please… how do I not freak on him? I am so close to calling him.
Post # 3
@Mrs. Harmony: I completely understand why you feel this way. I would feel the same way. I would be so hurt and worried. I think that you need to wait until you are calm and sit SO down and explain to him how much you love and care for him and want him to know how he is doing. Explain why and how important it is.
Good luck honey. I am sorry that you are going through this. I cannot imagine how I would be if I was in yoru shoes. I can guarantee I would feel the same way though…
Post # 4
@Mrs. Harmony: This is hard. I remember waiting for the calls from my mom. As you know, he is the one going through this the most, so try to be patient.
Post # 5
((hugs)) breathe, sweetie… plausible scenarios: he went to take a shower after getting home and literally lost track of time (especially if it’s bad news), he called his parents first and got caught up talking to them, he went out for a walk/run to clear his head, he turned on some tv so he could zone out and maybe fell asleep on the sofa, etc. none of them excuse him not letting you know what’s up, but just thinking there’s several explanations for why he hasn’t. hopefully he’ll call soon to ease your concerns. don’t go off on him when he does call; just calmly express that you were worried, and in the future, he should at least send you a message saying he is okay but not up to talking just then.
Post # 6
try to just allow yourself to be as sad and scared as you are, those are much healthier emotions for the situation than angry.
The feelings aren’t going to go anywhere just try to redirect them
Post # 7
I am so so sorry that you’re going through this, but he needs you to be calm now more than ever. I’m into personal development, so here’s a quick technique you can use. It’s not easy, but it works, and it can really help you with this in the long run. It’s kind of a form of meditation. Here goes:
You sit with it. You just close your eyes, sit with your uneasiness and uncomfortable emotions, sit with your urges, and are just aware of them. You don’t try to fight them, don’t tell yourself that you shouldn’t have them or that they must stop. You accept the fact that they’re there. You listen with awareness to all of these thoughts that your mind is creating… “he doesn’t have 30 seconds for me. I can’t believe this” etc. but don’t get into them. Just accept them and be aware of them. Be aware of the fact that you are not your emotions or your thoughts, and just accept them. As you sit like this for a few minutes, and let your emotions take their course, the power of your awareness should get them to subside. After a few minutes (and it’s hard to wait that long, but you have to!), you should be feeling a lot more relaxed, and ready to be there for him. Remember, this is his battle. You must be there, but you can’t get personally offended or involved, he doesn’t need that right now. Good luck!
ETA: As you sit with your anger, the underlying feelings of being scared and insecure might surface. Sit with them too, and observe and accept them. And keep sitting like this until you feel like you have gained some space and have relaxed. It might take a while, but I promise you it’s worth it!
Post # 7
@Mrs. Harmony: I am a cancer survivor.
When I was diagnosed I was engaged. We ended up getting married during my treatments. I never let anyone go with me to a single appointment, not my SO or a family member. I wanted to do it all by myself. I can’t honestly tell you why, but dealing with something like that is so beyond words. I know that his behaivor seems selfish, but when you’re in that situation, at times you have to be. Take a deep breath, understand that dealing with your own mortality, is amazingly sobering. Him not texting you has nothing to do with you. Don’t get angry.
I’m not flaming you, but understand that during this, you need to not be selfish as well. Pushing him when he isn’t ready, is only helping you, not helping him. If you push on these small things, he may just push you away.
Please understand that I’m just trying to make you see his side.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
Hopefully things are fine (did he get the results already?) and he got distracted doing something mundane like eating or going potty
Post # 9
@creativeplannertobee: I understand. I just hate that he doesn’t care enough about how this is affecting me. Since his diagnosis, it’s been about him him him… as it should be. But I matter too. I am going through the pain and torture too. He is probably talking with his parents still. I figured he would go home, tell his parents and then call me. He has been home for 80+ minutes. That means his parents are probably hysterical and he doesn’t want to walk away from them to call me. That is the only thing that would make sense. If someone has to take over an HOUR to explain test results to their parents, it’s probably bad news.
Post # 10
You’re not a selfish monster. It’s okay to feel how you feel. A friend of mine has a mantra: “I am not my emotions. I am my observation of those emotions.”
You’re totally right that this is about him, not you, at least right now. Ergo you’re not a selfish monster.
I think you should tell him about how you feel tonight, BUT NOT TONIGHT. Okay? Just be there for him right now – comfort him, rejoice, cry, or pray with him, or just give him his space. Whatever he needs. In a few days or weeks have a conversation about some of your pain and emotions surrounding his illness. It’ll be easy for you both to talk once the emotions of today have died down a bit.
Best of luck to you both.
Post # 11
- Wedding: September 2011 - St Aloysius' College, Milson's Point
I am so so sorry you are going through this, but its a very tough thing to deal with and either way, he probably doesnt want to tell you via text? Try to distract yourself and he will come around soon enough.
Post # 12
I am currently battling cancer, too, so maybe I can give you your SO’s perspective. Coincidentally, I just had my CT scan two days ago, too. These tests are draining. For a CT, you have contrast injected into you and the injection hurts. Then you wait while they do the scan, and I didn’t get my results until today (no cancer anywhere else in my body! woohoo!) so I had two days to let my mind wander and worry that I was going to die. Sometimes I am so depressed that I can’t even get out of my car after getting home from these tests. Don’t take this personally. I’m sure he is scared out of his mind and drained right now…and on top of all of this, we have to worry about how our loved ones are feeling while we endure the tests and the treatment. Some days I have nothing leftover for my husband (who is awesome!).
I’m sure you are very worried about him because you love him. However, you can only be there for him when he needs you and respect his space, because this is a horrible battle he is going through.
Post # 13
@mwitter80: Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience wtih this. I am totally fine with not being there during his appointments. His dignity is important to him, and I already joked that NO ONE would be allowed to come with me either.
However, I dont’ consider this a “small” thing. This is huge. He will know if his cancer has spread to vital organs or not. It’s already in the lymphatic system, but today we find out if it latched on to other tissues. We agreed he would call me when he’s done.
My only thought is that his reason for not calling is because its’ bad news. Or that I everything’s fine but he doesn’t love me enough to share that with me. I know I sound irrational but that’s how I feel.
Post # 14
@Mrs. Harmony: By small things I meant a text. Not his diagnosis.
I can promise you this has nothing to do with his love for you.
Post # 15
@misslene: Congrats on your results!!! 🙂 🙂
I totally get that SO needs space. I don’t care that he can’t meet most of my needs right now. We don’t hug or kiss anymore (pain from surgery). We only had sex once and it was his idea. He doesn’t listen to how my day was. He doesn’t ask how I’m doing. He doesn’t bring me a glass of water or rub my back or watch what I want on TV. I am 100% okay with that. I jokingly tell him to be as selfish as he can, and to allow everything to be about him. I let go of my “needs” for the greater good of our relationship.
HOWEVER… I don’t think SO has the right to throw common courtesy out the window. It’s inconsiderate as hell. He has been home for almost 2 hours now. Typing on WB is the only thing keeping me sane right now. We agreed he would call me when the procedure was done. He knows I am worried. He knows I have been on the edge of my seat all day waiting for this appointment. If I can take days off work, move my clients around, and sacrifice my needs for him, by golly he can make a quick phone call or send me a text saying he doesn’t want to talk, but the results were xyz.